#include /usr/local/angstI went to the grocery store the other day to buy milk, cheese, kool-aid, bologna (that's it's last name), bread, bananas, deodorant, and cotton balls (none of your damn business). Total bill: <ฤ Total time in store: 37 minutes. 37 minutes!?!??! you cry in disbelief. Yes, 37 agonizing minutes. First lets break down my shopping style. I know what I want before I enter the store. If I need items A,B,and C, I get items A,B,and C, then proceed to the checkout, pay, and leave. If I see something interesting between items, I decide whether or not to buy it while I'm walking. If yes, pick it up. If no, keep walking. Simple, efficient, low-drama. Why then did it take me 37 minutes for such a short list of items? The answer: Sunday Shoppers.
Similar to the Sunday Driver, the Sunday Shopper meanders slowly through the store, generally in the center of the aisle, without purpose or direction, usually directly in front of me. In a department store this is not as big of a deal, there no cart to maneuver and I can simply cut through ladies' lingerie (oooohhh...silky) and bypass the Sunday Shopper. In a grocery store, however...
You can't get around these people, you can't hint that they speed up or move aside, and trust me, ramming their heels with your cart is a very bad (bannable) idea. The only think you can hope for is to zip by them at the end of the aisle or when they edge to the the side. God forbid you should encounter two Sunday Shoppers passing in opposite directions. At least if you're in a grocery store you have food to keep you from starving to death waiting (unless you're in the toilet paper aisle, in which case I suggest stuffing at least one roll down your throat in an attempt to suffocate yourself before you starve to death). If you're in a department store aisle, just look for something with which to bludgeon yourself to death.
If you make it to the checkout aisle without missing a leap-year (congrats) you still have to deal with the "Checkout Idiocy" factor.
"There is no price tag on this item, could you check it for me?" No, there's no price on the item, but there was a price on the fucking shelf that it was sitting on!
"Let me just get my coupons." Yeah, out of a purse the size of the Jolly Green Giant's scrotum. Jesus lady, what do you have in there? It looks like my basement!
"Do you take checks?" Unfortunately yes, but we require that you only have 1 of the 2 necessary pieces of ID on you. You do? Great! We'll waste more of that guy behind you's time!
"I thought this Kool-Aid was on sale for .23 per packet, you charged me .25 per packet!" You bought 5 fucking packets! Here's a goddam dime out of my own pocket...JUST....MOVE!
Now don't let the classification of "Sunday Shopper" fool you, the bastards are out every day! Or at least, every day I have to do some shopping. Coincidence? Maybe not....and it's not paranoia if they're really out to get you.
37 minutes for a 5-minute shopping trip. As if I didn't waste enough of my own time...I don't need anyone else's help.
My solution: A bill I'm going to submit to the Indiana Congress: Every supermarket and department store should have a separate waiting area. When I (or anyone else on the "Not a mindless shopper" list enters any such store, everyone else has to go to the waiting area. It won't take long...I know what I have to get. (I'm also trying to tack on a similar clause for the highway).
You know what else I hate? Poison Ivy on the genitals. And it's none of your goddamn business how it got there! And yes, that's what the cotton balls are for.
</RANT>
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I can imagine a world with no hate, no crime, and no violence. I could also imagine us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
