What I've found lately is that I have a case of perpetual depression, stemming largely from the fact that I feel like I have no direction. I really don't care about jack shit long term anymore. I stopped caring about going after girls. I don't give a shit about my schoolwork, and it's lead to near-crashing-at-0's in some classes.

Even though I have a lot to be happy about (hell, BitHive is getting ready to go public beta), including my part-time job and website, I just don't care long-term anymore. I care enough to wake up and tinker with them as much as I need to in order to 'maintain' them, but it's all gone to "sigh".

I spend my days waking up (almost painfully, i HATE HATE HATE waking up), and then I drag myself to school. The WHOLE DAY I'm sleepy as shit, and when I get home, I go straight to my computer.

I deal with the slew of e-mail a hardware webmaster elects to get by creating the e-mail forwarder 'news@boomgames.com' (99\% of the time pressing "delete"). Then I check a few sites - the latest threads on detnet, and then take a look at the Stile and Something Awful frontpages. Then I spend the rest of the night looking around the internet for things to do.

I can't play more than one game of Counter-Strike (sometimes even less) before I quit the game out of boredom.

I am NOT having any more fun with this life. In fact I'm getting worried, I've been keeping myself forcefully away from alcohol but that doesn't quell my fears. If I get into mirjuana (which many of my friends have 'gotta see me do', including myself) I'm afraid I'll make things infinitely worse.

I KNOW things would be better for me if these changes were made:

Turn 16, get a fucking license and car (that I just have to wait out)
Get a GED and persue internet businesses

That I know would make me happy. But I still have parents, and they'd shoot themselves before they'd let me drop out of HS.

But it's an issue, I'm worried and almost constantly depressed now. And I know that isn't good.

Most people, when brought to this issue, just tell me to do well in school so I'll be set up for later. Fuck that, I can't even convince myself to do what it takes to pass hardly anymore, let alone 'do well' (which I'm fully capable of doing, I used to be an all-honors straight A student until my concern tapered off).

AAAAAH! what do i do?

That sounds familar, though I went through that at a slightly later point in life. Things became so boring that nothing seemed worthwhile. Why bother?

I'm afraid to say that I'm still half-way there, but I've found at least a small light at the end of the tunnel. What I needed was a break, a change of environment and people. I did things I don't normally do and went places I hadn't been. Specifically I went out camping a lot and got away from all the major cities and people. This is one of my personal hobbies so it would differ completely with most people. No computers and no fucked up people with their ideals of how life is supposed to be lived.

My long term plan is to do absolutely nothing. Just to live life in a pleasant way which doesn't involve working an 8 hour day and wearing a suit. I've just recently got my foot in real estate which is a great way to make money by renting and doing smeg all.
A mate of my old man's did similar things, he bought a garbage truck and sold big bins to businesses. He paid a guy to drive and maintain the truck and sat back drinking beer all day for years.

People just get stuck into the idea that the end of high school exams determine your life when they in fact have far less influence than originally thought. Pot won't get you into more trouble. If you have the will power to stay away from alcohol you have the power to overcome an addiction to weed. What really opened my eyes though was taking my first acid trip. It opened my eyes and made me realise just how much perceptions are altered by society. You don't have to live a life anyone tells you to.

But that's just my opinion.

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"Don't do that son, you'll go blind."
"I'm over here, dad."

http://www.ath0.net

quote:

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Originally posted by psaph:
Pot won't get you into more trouble. If you have the will power to stay away from alcohol you have the power to overcome an addiction to weed. What really opened my eyes though was taking my first acid trip. It opened my eyes and made me realise just how much perceptions are altered by society.

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I have to disagree with this advice. If you're dealing with depression, experimenting with pot, acid, and other drugs is one of the worst things that you can do. Especially since in a depressed mood, you are much less likely to be able to cope with the effects of drugs. Alcohol is bad enough, but taking acid when you're already in a weakened state of mind would be just plain stupid. You're smart to stay away from drugs, Renegade.

Here's my advice: go find a doctor, a counselor at your school, an teacher you trust, anyone, and tell them that you're dealing with depression. You'll probably end up being prescribed some sort of antidepressants, which will hopefully improve your mood within a week or two.

In case you haven't been reading the thread on antidepressants, let me repeat what I said there: needing drugs to help you out of depression is not a sign of weakness, any more than diabetics are weak for needing shots of insulin. I've known people with depression, seen them trying everything to get out of it, and seen the turn-around when they finally went to a doctor and got drugs for the problem.

As for the subject of school, I really find it disturbing how many people assume that your life is based entirely around what grades you get or what college you get into. Some of the happiest and most sucessful people I know struggled throughout school and didn't get into the college of their choice.

And finally, you aren't alone. Lots of people are going through the same exact feelings that you are. That includes many people on this forum. Don't give up, but instead go out and get help.

The best thing anyone can do is talk it through with someone you trust. Though trustworthy people are sometimes extremely hard to find.

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"Don't do that son, you'll go blind."
"I'm over here, dad."

http://www.ath0.net

quote:

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Originally posted by psaph:
The best thing anyone can do is talk it through with someone you trust. Though trustworthy people are sometimes extremely hard to find.

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There are plenty of trustworthy people; the hard part is convincing yourself to trust them. All through High School I found it hard to trust anyone; even with my friends, I never really disclosed any personal information or talked about things that really mattered to me. Finally I got fed up with talking to people simply about "How did your day go," or "How did you do on that test," and started sharing things that really meant more to me and not being as afraid of what others thought of me, and it has been one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

So, by all means, go out and find people you can trust, people you can talk to. But also, let me reiterate that if you are suffering from depression, the best thing you can do is tell your doctor that.

quote:

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Originally posted by RenegadeSnark:
Hah, I know personguy will reply to this with another piece of his complicated experienced-it-all life.

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BINGO! And there's only ONE PersonGuy, PapSmeerAndPurpleHaze (what does PSAPH stand for?????)!

First of all, I went through the same thing. Towards the end of school I stopped carring about anything, and my quickly went from strait A's to barely passing! Now, I don't have a SPECIFIC idea of what you should do, but here are my observations, and the things that I've learned from my experiences... hopefully the'll be useful to you...

1) Although I don't recommend experementing with drugs to ANYONE, it did help MY depression. Mostly because I tried them, and realized how much it sucked, and it made me want to turn my life around... So let me just TELL you... it sucks, and the fact that you aren't using them is 1 reason to feel good.

2) At the time of depression, I didn't care about school. A year after graduation I didn't care. Up until a few months ago I didn't care! But NOW looking back, I really wish I had tried harder. Not because grades are important (cause their not), but I feel like I waisted a decent free education. If I could get those few years back, I swear I'd read all the text books and study my ass off no matter how much it hurt! I know you can't understand that now, especially since you don't like the "common" advice... but seriously... get into your studies, it's impossible to regret.

3) Take a work experence credit! a) you get out of school early b) you meet people c) you get paid

4) I had the same idea about quitting school and starting a buisness. I graduated early, but I was SO unmotivated that it was IMPOSSIBLE! I had to get out into the world to learn this, but starting a buisnes ISN'T AT ALL IN THE LEAST BIT EASY! Judging from your post, you aren't SUPER motivated... I'm not trying to crush your dreams, but you should try to put that on the back burner at least for a few years.

5) Joining a school club is SUPER good. You'll meet people with the same intrests, it'll give you something to do after school, and it's usually fun. It sounds dumb, but trust me...

6) Dumb down the world. What I mean is, if you look at a groove in your desk and say, "Hey, that looks like a hotdog!" or actually listen to how stupid words like "finger" sound, the world becomes a fun place. Just look around the room... there's hundreds of things to laugh at! Live for the moment, and things always look better.

7) Messing with people can be a great hobby. One cheap thrill I used to enjoy was: goto a store and watch some body for a minute. Stand next to them an pretend your looking for a particular item. Then as they're about to pick-up whatever they're looking for, say "AH-HA!" really loud and grab it before they can!! They look at you like your crazy, and then you can just laugh at em, and put it back! It's great if you live in a city, cause you'll never see that person again in your life, so it doesn't matter! Another fun one: write down the telephone number of a payphone. Call it periodicly in the week to see who picks-up. Ask them to tell you about themselves, or just scream... it's all good. ONE MORE: Buy a BIG cowboy hat, and take a few minutes to run really fast through every isle in the super market (wear the hat).

Ok, I've been of little help... but please take this post MORE seriously than most of mine.

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<P:\>erson\Guy.exe -PersonGuy *pERSONgUY.cfg
http://www.personguy.com

Marijuana, LSD, and mushrooms opened my mind to a lot of things I was missing. That helped me out a **LOT**. BUT- and this is important- it is a VERY bad idea to do these things if you're depressed!!! Recreational drugs usually amplify whatever mood you're already in. If I get stoned when I'm in a good mood, everything seems insanely funny, but if I get stoned when I'm depressed my mind starts spinning, I get anxious and paranoid, and I want to curl up and die.

psaph, now that I know you've had the mind-bending experience that is acid, I can say that Paxil is a little bit like mushroom / LSD afterglow- where everything looks really pretty and you understand why life is worth living and what you have to do. The difference is that it doesn't go away in a few hours.

Renegade - check out the thread "Are you depressed?" - there ARE ways out of it. Some involve medication and some don't. Life is too short to waste feeling like shit.

This message has been edited by damien_s_lucifer on December 17, 2000 at 03:39 AM

quote:

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Originally posted by Michael:
If you're dealing with depression, experimenting with pot, acid, and other drugs is one of the worst things that you can do.

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You'll probably end up being prescribed some sort of antidepressants, which will hopefully improve your mood within a week or two.

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oh give me a break michael. we have all heard your good drug/bad drug shit before, NO NO YOU CANNOT USE THIS MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCE but its perfectly ok to use this one!!

give me a break