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Forum: Rants
Topic: parents and their expectations ...
started by: Nikita

Posted by Nikita on Mar. 30 2002,21:03

Last night was fun. Went out with friends - they let me play around with the extra guitar and showed me how to play bass. Got deliciously tipsy on amaretto sours and they on rum and coke. Made up songs about friends getting laid (something about X getting laid tonight, X getting paid with rubbers, X and her enormous udders). Laughing 'til we almost busted our left kidneys. Hitched a piggyback ride on friend in the warm rainy night halfway to bus stop. Went to sleep at 2am.

Woke up, puttered around, had lunch, read part of Last Places by Lawrence Millman that I borrowed from friend who owned 12 stringer. Great book, good laughs. Then mom called.

My great weekend so far became instant hell. "Why don't you get your PhD? How are you going to find a job? Where are you going to live at? Get a PhD! When's your graduation? - I want to go. Oh, you have a boyfriend - be careful, men nowadays want women who have a life of their own and is financially stable. Move out of the dorms, get an apartment ..."

Well gee mom, I know my limits. I'm smart, but I don't think I want to deal with a PhD. I don't want to deal with the candidacy exam, defense, and more thesis writing. I don't want to give up the best years of my life to academia ... oh damn, too late already. Job? Easy, send out resumes and network like mad. Sure the terrorists fucked things up for everyone, but it will get better. Where I'm going to live? Wherever I find a job. Graduation? I don't know ... why come all the way across the world for a stuid ceremony that's only going to last 1 hour and I get 5 seconds in the spotlight. If it's my wedding then yea no problem, but graduation is insignificant really. No big deal.

Gilles is a very nice guy. Mom, why do you think I'm getting another degree? Of course I'm going to get a job. I'm not going after the first sugardaddy I see. No, I'm not giving you his email address. Yes, mom, I have a life of my own. Uh huh yea. I'm out most of my free time. Yes, I have friends. I'm as financially stable as a grad student can be. Mom, I have more in my savings account than you do, relax, no, don't send me money, I'm okay. Ok fine, I'll tell you when I need money.

Apartment? Here, it's cheaper to live in the grad apartment/dorms. All utilities included, local phone and cable too, plus it's furnished and on campus. No, I don't need a car ... not yet - it's a bitch to park on campus and parking passes are ripoffs. Yes, I'll take care of it once I have a job. Yes, I have a nice room, mom, yes I keep it clean. Yes I'm eating my veggies, yes, I wipe after I take a shit ... (ok she didn't ask about the shit part but she always asks about the veggies ... always.)

----------------
I know she means well, but she's driving me nuts. Put me in a rotten mood. Called bf almost in tears. Can't she just be happy for me just for once instead of being all pessimistic? Can't she trust my judgement? Hell, I've been independent since at least the beginning of HS.

I tell her again and again that I don't want to do a PhD. At least not immediately. She never listens. Every phone call escalates into an argument. If she wants one so badly she can go get one herself.

I should be thankful I have a mom, but I don't know what to think. I'm not particularly fond of her or close to her, but she's my mom and I do care if she's dead or alive. If she needs help, I would gladly help her. Within limits and reason, of course. She's managed to mess up 2 previous relationships of mine and I'm not letting her mess up this one. It took more than enough balls on my part to tell her that I'm seeing someone. I don't even want to tell her about the possibility of me moving to France.

Bleh, I'm sure most of you can understand the parent(s) thing.

Now excuse me while I try to get into a better mood.

Ok I give up, make me smile guys

Posted by Spydir on Mar. 30 2002,22:04

wrong... just wrong

Posted by editor on Mar. 30 2002,23:40

Ed. put up a picture of a mom spanking a girl's butt and apparently Spydir took offense; so ed. took it down.

Posted by editor on Mar. 30 2002,23:54

*&%$#@ double post!

Nikita, have you told your Mom what you told us in para's
4-6? In the same kind of words? Hope so.

Going on only what you wrote, it sounds like your Mom may be living a bit vicariously thru you, and she likes the drama. She also hasn't accepted that you're not a toddler anymore..

She also seems a bit controlling. This is actually a kind of greed that won't be satisfied! Augh! If you do just what she wants, she'll probably want even more and find fault with what you do, doing what she wants.

Off hand, sounds like a no-win situation... sorry.
You may need to change the rules of the game so you *can* win.

Perhaps you need to declare your independance.... really! Tell her that you have to live your own life and can't take the time to also please her! She'll just have to be happy with whatever *you* decide you'll do with your life.

You can't be responsible for her feelings.

BTW, the arguements aren't accidental. Perhaps she defines herself thru drama; no drama, no life.

I also wonder if she's lonely and bored.

I've had a taste of what you go through; I'm proud of my pictures and would like to show them off to my rentals, but whenever I bring up my vocation, they both ask when I'm going to settle down and get a real job... I've been doing this professionally for about 15 years!

Posted by Dysorderia on Mar. 30 2002,23:57

Nikita: would ignoring her when she begins to go down that path help?

Editor: try to think about the relevency of what you are posting before you post it.

Posted by Spydir on Mar. 31 2002,00:19

I didn't take offense, it was just wrong. I didn't see how it fit the situation...

Posted by Nikita on Mar. 31 2002,02:53

yea I told her the stuff in paras 4-6.

Probably never wants me to get married considering the hell she went thru with dad.

I do live my own life. I have been mostly independent for 10 years, 4 of those totally independent - no money wired, no running home for laundry, nothing.

She's probably lonely and bored. But I don't want her calling me every saturday morning. Eh, beats her calling me every night I suppose.

I can't really ignore her. She's the only family I have. Plus there's that respect thing ...

Hrmph.

Posted by Wiley on Mar. 31 2002,03:13

I got the same mom ...mines hiding easter eggs tomorrow, no joke. Every holiday I have to go home and find my easter basket / see what Santa brought me and all the same shit I did when I was four. (I get the veggies thing too) Then I gotta listen to my dad spout off about how much better I should be doing at work ...and how I'm missed soo many opportunities ..and why don't I finish college? Then my mom jumps in with "you should tell you boss that you can't work so hard ...there are laws y'know ...I'll call and tell them if you want".
Parents just suck. God I hope I'm not an idiot when I have kids. I already know I'd be a shitty father to a daughter ...seeing how I won't let her go to prom or date until she's 20 or has a black-belt in Karate. I think I would be ok with a son as long as he doesn't become some anti-establishment hippy and try and throw his life away trying to be a beat-poet or something. Maybe I'd best stay childless.

Posted by Uberkommando on Mar. 31 2002,05:26

I'm one of the lucky ones -- part of the group whose parents don't ever give a shit. I mean, it's good when it comes to school, relationships, etc. -- but when I want them to actually be proud of me for something, it's frustrating as hell. Guess I should count my blessings, but I think I'd rather have parents who cared.

Posted by kuru on Apr. 04 2002,14:37

I pretty much just ignore my parents.

They hated it at first but now they're used to it.

Posted by Wolfguard on Apr. 04 2002,15:07

I get along with my parents just fine. Our relationship has not been this good ever. No stress, no shit from them at all.

Told them to fuck off over 2 years ago and have had a better life for it.

Posted by Wiley on Apr. 04 2002,17:14

I'm thinking of selling my kids if I have any. It's too expensive to raise them and put them through college only to have them resent you and stop talking to you. Why have this when you can have money in your pocket? How much you think I can get for a half white/half filipino baby these days?

Posted by kuru on Apr. 04 2002,17:20

Well, if my parents had not believed that I was little more than a puppet made of bones, flesh and blood built to live out the things in their lives that they never did, perhaps I never would've had to tell them to piss up a rope.

But they did believe that I existed only to fulfill all the dreams they had for themselves and failed to achieve. So I had to choose between living a life that was not of my own choosing and becoming an independent, thinking adult capable of making decisions for herself.

I picked the latter, and they couldn't accept it. So now I just ignore any commentary on what 'should' be doing with my life - because to them, being an engineer will never be as good as being a cardio-thoracic surgeon.

Posted by veistran on Apr. 04 2002,18:27

Quote (Wiley @ 04 April 2002,10:14)

probably not very much, they've been pretty easy to get ever since WW2...

oh err... what, I'm not a black market baby seller... err... yeah.

Posted by Beldurin on Apr. 04 2002,18:46

Am I the only one here who has a healthy relationshiop with his parents? Sure they can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but as long as I can remember they've been intelligent, supportive, and trusting of me. Oddly, I consider my parents among my friends and they are among the few people who's opinions I really value.

I'm sorry to hear of all of your troubles/difficulties with your parents and don't worry, I'm not going to come back with all of that "you should talk to them and make up and they just care about you and know what they're talking about" crap because I don't know your lives. All I know is that I was blessed to have the parents that I have.

Posted by veistran on Apr. 04 2002,18:52

I get along with my parents, they can be gratingly annoying but they don't do it on purpose and are happy that I'm happy.