Topic: relationship frustration, need to vent
started by: Mhoraigh
Posted by Mhoraigh on May 02 2002,20:51
ARGH!!!! Why is it that I can't help taking anything he says personally now that we're "just friends"? Why does he take things I say offhand that are not meant to be mean as jabs at him personally? Why does he feel like I'm trying to compete with him? Why can't we have a #$%#@% conversation without one or the other or both of us exploding and making the other person's day horrible?!! This is driving me crazy!! I'm finally finding some happiness in others (mind you that's a whole different rant - three guys equally interesting to me, hard choice and all that). I was happy yesterday until I talked to him and then he made me cry, not just cry but sobs pouring out of me (I could feel it through my whole body). Why do I LET him affect me like this?? Yes, I know I still love him, but I'm moving on damnit, he's a friend, damnit, why can't I just relax and not take him so seriously???end vent.
Posted by editor on May 02 2002,21:52
Well, from here it looks like you both are still in pain and have some unexpressed issues...That would be why you two take the other's words so seriously.
It's difficult to think away feelings... feelings are stronger!
I would hazard that time will help; maybe take a month off from each other?
You could ask DSL; he's sortof the Detnet counselor, among other things!
Posted by damien_s_lucifer on May 02 2002,22:36
best advice I can give right now is "this too will pass."the more tired you get of his shit, and the more other things you have going for you, the less personally you'll take his shit.
it just takes time, and time is always passing.
Posted by Mhoraigh on May 02 2002,23:51
I tried taking time off from him and he took it personally - smirk.At least we don't live in the same place - I think seeing him regularly would drive me crazy.
You are right, time will heal all wounds - I know this, but he doesn't seem to get that...and so he constantly pushes the issues..
Posted by BlackFlag on May 03 2002,09:23
sounds like "he" is having trouble letting go. I've been there.The best thing you can do for him (and yourself by the way) is be really mean and ugly. Make him wish he'd never met you. Make him run from you instead of after you. Be a 1st class bitch.
(god, i can't beleive im giving you this advice............. i think ill go wash my hands 300 times now...)
Posted by Bozeman on May 03 2002,15:38
I really hate to say this, but only you can find the right answer. Others don't know all the details, only you do. Deciding for yourself is the hardest way, but it's also the best way.I've found the Detnet forums are a great place to vent. Feel free to let off steam anytime.
Posted by Wolfguard on May 03 2002,17:04
Sometimes after having a relationship 2 people just can not remain friends.I personaly have had no luck in this area. Every relationship that i have had goes from "lets remain friends." to "where did i leave the spair tanks for the flamethrower, its going to be a long day." in a matter of minutes.
Posted by Mhoraigh on May 03 2002,18:43
Well, I agree I'm the only one who can figure out what to do...this was mostly just to vent in a forum where I don't Think he posts (rather than my usual forums).As for the "be a first class bitch" response....I just can't do it. I still love the guy and my philosophy on relationships is that even if I am not with the person I obviously saw something worthwhile in them so why throw that away?
I've had really good luck with remaining friends with most of my ex's that I really wanted to remain friends with. One it took a year before we really could, but it did happen - so I'm hoping this will work out. Sadly, I have had a few that the flame-thrower approach would've been good for (if I lived in the same city that is) and I'm really hoping this doesn't end up that way (I really don't need another Fuckwit).
Thanks for all the responses, they've actually helped (if not to clear my head at least to make me smile).
Posted by editor on May 03 2002,18:46
Good luck, sweetie!I've been trying to hook up with my ex for about a month. She only lives 12 miles away... blew me off 4 times.
She won't tell me why either, and that blows.
We broke up 8 years ago, not like there's anything left to argue over...
so, good luck!
Posted by Wolfguard on May 03 2002,18:51
| Quote (editor @ 03 May 2002,13:46) |
| Good luck, sweetie! I've been trying to hook up with my ex for about a month. She only lives 12 miles away... blew me off 4 times. She won't tell me why either, and that blows. We broke up 8 years ago, not like there's anything left to argue over... so, good luck! |
gee...this milk has gone bad...
...ill put it back in the fridge, maybe it will be better tomorow.
Posted by BlackFlag on May 03 2002,21:59
is he still picking fights and starting arguments over pointless shit that caused the breakup in the first place? does it seem as though he's intentionally trying to hurt you or make you cry? Does he seem desperate? Like he's trying to grab hold of something he can't afford to lose? Have your arguments degenerated into nit-picky word games yet?I've been where this guy is at. As much as it shreaded my heart and soul, the hard cold wall of "FUCK YOU GO AWAY!" my ex threw up was the best thing for me, and her too. Everyone has a little asshole in them. Let it loose once in a while. I swear to god, i'm serious when i say you should go with the 'being a bitch' plan.
Posted by demonk on May 04 2002,01:11
Ok, I've been lurking for a few months now, but this topic was just too close to home for me not to post to it.My girlfriend of almost 4 years recently broke up with me. While I'm not going into many details, my current love life, if made into a TV Drama, would be too much for even Fox! It would be on Showtime or HBO.
Anyway, I can tell you exactly where both you and him are coming from. Both of you have REAL feelings for each other left over. I don't know who broke up with who, but if you broke up with him then he might not be completely willing to let go. I know I'm not. And that makes it impossible for him to be just friends with you. Too many emotions and thoughts that you just can't have about friends are getting in the way. You have to cut off contact with him for a while. It's the only thing that will allow both of you to spend time looking out for youselves and allow you to both heal. I speak from experience on this one. It'll hurt almos as bad if not worse than the initial breakup to do it, but you have to cut contact, at least for a while. Let him know that you do care about him and that you do want to be real friends, but say that right now the emotions are still too intense and you need a cooling off period. Take a month or two and agree to not make ANY contact with each other. After that period, reasses where you both stand. You might be surprised with his change in how he acts towards you.
All this is just advice and not the only right way. This is just the way I'm dealing with it and the way many books and people have suggested to me. Like others have said above, only time will help. Good luck and I hope you two do end up being friends.
Posted by Mhoraigh on May 04 2002,02:53
I do think we need a break from each other - I agree on that. It was a mutual break-up - he did the actual saying it, but only because I'd made it pretty clear it needed to happen but couldn't find the words.We both do feel strongly for each other and although we've both had short relationships since then and are in the process of moving on, we both take things too personally still. I suppose it's easier to be hurt by someone you feel that strongly about.
However, it's a little hard to take a break - even if we don't email or call...we're both on one of the same message boards and it's hard to avoid each other there.
(note: I'm presently trying to take a break from that board for this reason, but it takes a lot of willpower to do....)
Posted by liquid metal on May 04 2002,04:01
how do you pronounce your forum name?are you at the stage where you want to kill something everytime you hear/see something that is "of" him? i burned my former best friend's graduation picture because of reasons like this. almost did the same thing to my group prom photo but the goodness of everyone else counteracted it. distance yourself from him...but tell him that you want to distance yourselves. by sticking around you're hurting more than helping. it may suck for a little while but you'll get back to where you want to be.
took me a year but me and that former best friend are talking regularly now. not as many arguments.
Posted by j0eSmith on May 04 2002,04:43
/me plays violinBoo-fucking-Hoo, in C Minor.
(blatantly stolen from: < http://www.shaw-island.com/ >)
If you can't be around him without crying, don't be around him. Akham's(sp?) Razor.
Posted by Mhoraigh on May 04 2002,04:50
Mhoraigh is pronounced Vori or Wori depending on if you're leaning towards the Scottish or Irish pronounciation.I am not at the point where everything to do with him makes me crazy (that would be really hard considering he bought me the shoes I wear all the time for Chirstmas..).
Posted by liquid metal on May 04 2002,17:05
... you already said what you want to happen.. you want him gone for a little while...so then follow through.
Posted by Wolfguard on May 04 2002,21:13
or a few off handed comments and 50k in a swiss bank account and arangements could be made 
Posted by BlackFlag on May 04 2002,22:35
geez, i would have thought mhoraigh would be pronounced like Meriah.btw, i know people who know people who know people who will kill just for the fuck of it if you buy the bullets.
Posted by Mhoraigh on May 05 2002,03:04
och - who needs that, I have enough friends who would help hide the body as it is and I'd never have to spoil my hands. However, I'm too nice - and besides, I still like the guy - remember?
Posted by liquid metal on May 05 2002,03:22
| Quote (Mhoraigh @ 04 May 2002,22:04) |
| and besides, I still like the guy - remember? |
no. i think i missed that part.
Posted by Jimi on May 05 2002,23:58
| Quote (damien_s_lucifer @ 02 May 2002,22:36) |
| it just takes time, and time is always passing. |
It is??? Shit! I didn't realise, oh my god I'm running out... Right now as I type. That's bad. I have to do something productive!
Naa Fuck it!
Posted by Beldurin on May 06 2002,01:35
Have you guys heard the Rollins rant about people wasting your time? "They're murdering me, a little bit at a time. Like stabbing with tiny little knives...Time murderers!"
Heh...
Posted by Mhoraigh on May 06 2002,06:54
| Quote (liquid metal @ 04 May 2002,19:22) | ||
no. i think i missed that part. |
well, I still care about him as a person (though I definitely don't want to be with him any more)...so killing him is out of the question...