But the truth is Im dying inside. Why does it matter so much to him what his friends think of me? Why does it matter so much to me what his friends think of me? Their opinions about me mean more to him that how he feels about me- why does it matter so much. Ok fine Im not the most welcoming person in the world but Im not a horrible human being, I have feelings I have emotions. I like to be alone with him in my house- is there something so wrong with that? I would rather be alone (not even with my friends and him) than be out on the town. I have always been the kind of person who enjoys quiet time at home with the one I love rather than the fast paced hussle of the outside world. To me things are separate in life- When Im at work its constant non stop movement but the second I walk in the door I want to change into my pj's cuddle up in his arms and watch tv for three hours.

I hurt him he said, he hurt me. I moved away from my family to be with him and his. I moved from the place I love to a place I completely detest to be with him. He never understood the sacrifice I made coming here to be with him and now Im stuck in this fucking hellhole with no one, nothing. Everyone in his life hates me. And the one thing I wanted just walked right out of my life.

I hear people telling me Im better off without him. That he was too immature to handle a relationship with me- maybe thats true. But maybe Im more to blame then people give me credit for. Its like when you hold something too tight you crush it but if you dont hold it tight enough it flys out of your hand. I just dont know where the line is. Yes I wanted to spend every single day with him. I felt good when I was around him, comforted, content. Now I feel like I wasted my time, like Im wasting my life.

Im gonna be a lonely miserable person for the rest of my life. I'll have no one to love me and no one to love. Maybe this is the way it was supposed to be from the beginning. I know someone here will say "its ok you'll get over it- time heals all" I know this Ive been down this road before and each time it gets more treacherous and more difficult. I think Ive decided that I dont want to continue this any more. That if I had to choose between loving and hurting and not loving and not hurting Im choosing not hurting.

Why are promises people make when they love someone null and void after you are no longer together. If it was any other situation we would throw a fit if someone promised us something and then didnt deliver it. But when we are in love with someone if those promises arent kept we suck it up and "move on"

Most of you probably dont even care about this. In fact if I get no replies I wont be too surprised. I guess part of me just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks

------------------
"I ated the purple berries...they tasted like burning"

That couldn't be more true...

------------------
jim
Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder
< Brews and Cues >

quote:

---

Originally posted by jim:
"its ok you'll get over it- time heals all"

That couldn't be more true...

---

Wrong-o, Jim.

Chrissy, you are right, time will never heal all. This guy just made an emotional wound that will give you a scar that will be there for life. Time doesn't heal all, it just dulls the pain.

However, consider this: I have a scar on my shoulder, from when I was young and dumb, and was jumping road reflectors on my bike. I jumped one, and went into Matrix-Time, watching myself slowly turn in mid-air, land, crash, and slide on the pavement for a startling distance. That scar hurt to get, and it hurt and itched while healing, but now I can look at that scar fondly and say, "wow, that was pretty fun, but it was also dumb, and I'm not gonna make the same mistake twice." Sound familiar?

Your ex is a jerk, but you guys did have good times, and you have now learned a lesson on what not to look for in a 26-year old guy.

So, let yourself grieve, but not too long. Learn the positives of where you live, and if there aren't enough, then move. Spend time with yourself, and build your own self-confidance. It will be alright, I promise.

------------------
--Jynx

I used to be a kleptomaniac, but then I took something for it.

This message has been edited by Jynx on March 12, 2001 at 05:09 PM

Well, what can I say... These are the worst situations, when you want to help the person, but have no idea what to say.

Talk about it... eventually you talk it out and you feel a lot better. Go out and do fun stuff when you can. I really hope you feel better. Don't let one loser ruin your life. He's not worth it.

This message has been edited by luth13n on March 12, 2001 at 07:10 PM

quote:

---

Im gonna be a lonely miserable person for the rest of my life. I'll have no one to love me and no one to love. Maybe this is the way it was supposed to be from the beginning.

---

I'm gonna bitch slap you for that one though. That kind of thinking is the road to a self-created hell!!! Don't do it, dude!!! (This is the voice of experience talking )

Give yourself some time to grieve. Then move on to bigger and brighter pastures... and I don't necessarily mean other men for a while. Just new things you want to try that your ex would've said "that's dumb" or something like that... go out and enjoy your life, 'cause if you don't you'll regret it when you're older, blah blah blah...

I wrote him an email. I also sent him an ecard. The night we broke up I told him I didnt want to talk to him again ( I was so upset) but the email pretty much said that if *he* wanted to persue a friendship then I would be willing. But he didnt write me back so Im thinking its a no go.

I just keep thinking. The relationship he had before me- a girl named Sara- he was with her for seven years and it was almost completely platonic but he loved her nonetheless. He still talks to her even though he was hurt so badly after- but I think he was in the same position Im in. Maybe he said the words lets break up but she had set the tone long before that. I dont know if he and I will ever be friends. I know that there will be times when I need to talk to him, he was my best friend up here. I think I can let go of the lover part but the best friend thing is gonna be much more difficult.

I havent eaten in two days- I just cant bring myself to put food in my mouth. Last night I came home from work at 5 and went straight to bed. I woke this morning hoping there would be an email from him telling me that he would consider my offer of friendship.

I think the worst part of all of this is not knowing what hes thinking. I just remember what it was like the first time i felt this way. It was a repeat of the same thing- I wanted to be friends with my ex (who I was so in love with 10 mins apart from him killed me)so in a vain attempt to speed up the process I would go to his dorm room everyday and every night. But there was no real friendship and it took me almost a full year to figure it out and hurt me in ways I could not describe. I dont want to that again. But Im honestly dying.

I think part of him is hurting too. I dont think he really didnt want to be with me, he just didnt know what else to do. Im such a control freak. But you know what? Im not like that with my friends- I let them call the shots I let them decide when we are gonna hang out, go out etc. I just wanted to be with him, he always made me feel better. Now when I really need to feel better- who do I turn to. I learned to count on myself after the first real heartache of my life but I hated being alone. I took chances saw the world (spent 6 months in australia, went to London, went out west)and I decided to go to law school, things I never would have done or considered if he and I were still together.

People told me that it would take time to feel better about the whole thing, they were right eventually. But because I hurt so badly I never wanted to hurt like that again (so I could avoid feeling out of control)so I pushed myself into other things and never really felt anything until this guy came along and changed that.

Now after countless hours of conversation telling him that I couldnt deal with being hurt like that I again I agreed to see him. I thought that no matter what he would work things out with me because he knew about my past. But in my mind I knew that this would happen and so I tried to prepare myself for this, but no amount of preparation can shield you from this pain.

Now I feel like 5 years later my life is repeating and I hate every second of it. I cried almost every day for a year after my first love hurt me. I couldnt bring myself to go out or to do anything fun because I was in such pain that nothing seemed to dull it.

I know we've all had heartaches like this one. Pain that seems endless, hopeless. I know that we all get through it because the world doesnt stop turning just because you want it to. But the truth is I have nothing left to give any more and each time I get hurt my ability to love someone disappears a little more. My heart can only take so many rebuilds and repairs before the glue that holds it together comes apart and it starts leaking like a broken milk pitcher. And every day I feel my heart getting smaller and smaller and caring less and less about things about people about life in general. The more pain I have the less I feel like feeling.

One of the hardest things about a relationship is the trust involved on both parties. But fear not, for you shall never be lonely. A cute girl like yourself can just go out and find a man like that (I should know my whore of an X did it). :-)

Now that I have said my peace, and in re-reading your post to my blow-job thread... WILL YOU MARY ME! "I would make a good husband..." "I'm not a smart man but I know what love is..." I'm a l33t hax0r, I make buko bucks, I have a high speed net connect, I'm the shit... Read my "I need a date thread" for the real details...

P.S. I was kidding about the use and abuse thing.

------------------
Wine me, dine me, 1000101 me

I did something completely stupid and wrote him another email- figuring I wasnt specific enough in the last one and asked him for a reply. I think that if he doesnt I will do the best I can to get on with my life.

I was offered a full time position at the college I temp for. I think its nice to know that at least someone needs me. The people who work in the office are so nice to me. They realise how upset I am and they ask me and talk to me.

I wish I could eat something. Ive been so sick. Nothing like heartache to make you sick and lose weight. Im hungry but I just cant phathom the thought of food in my mouth, even though I know I should eat I just cant do it.

Today was a little better than yesterday but now I have the added hope of the email I just sent and getting a reply so Im playing on that. Im living on lost hope I think.

Anyway advice would be great if anyone has any to give about getting over this faster- tricks that worked for you etc...

Nene

If you want to know what is helping me in dealing with my separation then I shall tell you, but I must first tell you what has not worked. Going out one night, finding a girl, taking her home and well you get the idea... that does _NOT_ work. Drinking until I can't feel my limbs does _NOT_ work. Trying to make myself so busy with work that I don't have time to pee let alone think about the X does _NOT_ work.

What has worked for me is finding comfort in the fact that she will now be happy. Allowing myslef to try to understand how she felt (even if she is a total bitch), and letting go of my contempt for what that whore did to me (still working on that). I find comfort among freinds, and I am trying to rebuild the life that I once had. I have started playing the bass guitar again (I played for 7 years before I got married). I started to take on little side projects with programming that have given me time to develop my skills. I have started to be passonate about life again, and realize that there is more out there. I go to bars, just to see the bands play, I jog a milie every day, I am trying to practive martial arts again but my orthopedic doctor is having a massive coranary on that one. "Tim do you wan't knee replacements in 3 years..." Well screw him, I am trying to be what I once was. So after all my shitty bable, it comes down to this. I have been helped in my separation by putting passion for what I enjoy back into my life...

--
Kind Regards
Timothy A. DeWees
whtdrgn@cannet.com

This message has been edited by whtdrgn_2 on March 14, 2001 at 06:02 AM

On a more positive note- he did write me back and the letter was good. It seems that he still wants to be friends with me which is what I want right now. We decided that it would be best if we didnt see each other face to face for a little while. I think thats a good idea. I will admit that i miss him heaps but at least now I dont have to wonder what hes thinking.

whtdrgn_2 Im glad that you have once again found something in life that makes you happy. Like I said after my first big heartache I needed to find things to make me feel whole again- thats why I started traveling and looking into all the things my ex thought were stupid (like IRC and internet forums). Im a much better person for it now.

I read tarot cards and break up always remind me of the Tower card. (If any one reads tarot then you know why Im saying this but if you dont I'll explain) Tower represents distruction but with distruction comes rebirth and rebuilding- sometimes and often into something better than it was before. Though it may not look good right now things have a way of building themselves right.

Also on another positive note- I started eating again. Even though Im still a little down about the whole situation things seem to be getting better day by day.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chrissy:
things seem to be getting better day by day.

---

And in life, that is all that really matters.

There was nothing i could say to you that would make you feel better. Nothing from the great fount of wisdom that is Wolfguard that would of turned you around. Nothing that would of helped, till you got to this point.

whtdrgn_2 is right. You have to find the things that you care about and bring them into or back into your life. Going out and getting drunk/stoned/laid just does not help when you are like this. Live your life for you for a bit.

Remember what went on in this relationship and learn from it. If this Fucknugget found it so easy to cut and run then there had to be something missing. Some base level connection that happens between 2 people. Something that makes both people want to spend their lives together of give their lives for each other. At some level you knew this. On some level keep an eye out for it in the future.

Yes, it sucks. Some old guy with criptic advice is spouting off again. All i can say is i have been where you are now. Trying to answer the questions you are asking yourself. Feeling like an empty shell. Feeling like your just waiting around till your number is called. Yes, it sucks, but it will get better with time.
Just keep in mind that you are not alone here. We all will listen to you rant and rave. We will do what we can to comfort you in your time of need.

May The Wolf walk with you and guide you in your jurney.

Hugs

------------------
Fucknuggets flamed while you wait.< TeamWolfguard.com >

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wolfguard:

[...]
Some base level connection that happens between 2 people. Something that makes both people want to spend their lives together of give their lives for each other. At some level you knew this. On some level keep an eye out for it in the future.

Yes, it sucks. Some old guy with criptic advice is spouting off again. All i can say is i have been where you are now. Trying to answer the questions you are asking yourself. Feeling like an empty shell. Feeling like your just waiting around till your number is called. Yes, it sucks, but it will get better with time.
Just keep in mind that you are not alone here. We all will listen to you rant and rave. We will do what we can to comfort you in your time of need.

[...]

[/B]

---

Rock on wolfguard... This is true, and Like I said chrissy, move to Ohio and I'll marry you...

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Wine me, dine me, 1000101 me

I appreciate all the great advice everyone has given and that you guys listen to me rant and rave over something you guys dont have to.

I guess what it is is that Im honestly afraid to be alone for too long. At least if I have someone then I know I can stay in one place for a while. Lately Ive just kind of wanted to get out and do something with my life- make a difference. I think I may have to wait until after law school. Of course first I have to get into law school

Which brings me to another point- I dont think Im gonna get in. I feel too stupid to be in law school. I would feel even stupider if I didnt get into the only school I applied to. Maybe Im just in a stress vortex where you never really get out of it-

anyway thats just my crazy thought for the day

------------------
Wine me, dine me, 1000101 me

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chrissy:

Why does it matter so much to me what his friends think of me? Their opinions about me mean more to him that how he feels about me- why does it matter so much.

---

ok .. someone want to field this one for us ?
i mean, i AM a guy.. but for some reason i can't answer this question. When im walking down the street a see someone pretty there is always that constant question in the back of my head...

then i get disgusted and walk away considering myself a worse person for even caring what my friends would think.

...
...
of course, women do it too. and im not going to even claim which is worse because i don't know.. but what i know for sure is that friends have a great influence over relationships for guys.

what is wrong with us ?

------------------
Oh, ho, ho, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was getting tired of being stared at.

i feel a tear welling in my eye.... i need a hug... i love you guys

From what I've read on this forum to gain a view into what you are like, you are a very caring person - sweet, blah blah blah. You're a nice girl. That's good.

Nice people get shafted all the time. That sucks. I consider myself to be nice, but I get shat on from a great height all too often.

Enough rambling, and some input from myself:

Basically from what I read from you it looks like you need someone to depend on - and that you find it difficult to be just yourself, by yourself. It's damn difficult, I know, because I am very similar.

From your picture, and your personality, it's obvious you have a lot to offer someone and that part is not going anywhere. What you need to do now is find your space and learn to enjoy it, try to become self-dependant, because you won't be truly happy unless you learn to be happy with yourself first.

Afraid of how his friends see you? Don't give them the time of day. If he loved you then he loved you for YOU. Not for his friend's opinions. Everyone does this in the back of their mind, granted, but truth be told if you enter into a long-term relationship with someone then you accept them for their flaws and everything, warts and all.

As for self-dependance, listen to "Not The Doctor" by Alanis Morisette. Inspired words.

And as for the Tarot, I bloody hate the Tower card. It's the worst one in my opinion. But like all cards in the Tarot they have more than one meaning, the laws of polarity and all that - try more to think of yourself as The Fool - because you're beginning a new journey to enlightenment - or as Death - because from change you will build yourself up again, the felling of the old crops to make way for the new shoots.

You'll come through better from all this, trust me.

Our thoughts are with you honey.

Mike

incubus@ice-breaker.net
ICQ : 21984549

------------------
-- incubus
As I chase the leaves like the words I never find ...

Well I did go out with my girlfriends last night and we talked and bashed men (well of course we didnt mean any of it).

Ive been working on this codependency thing but honestly I think its just that I havent learned to appreciated a guy in my life. Like I probably took my ex for granted so much he got fed up and had to leave. I mean think about it and I didnt really do things for him. Maybe I wasnt as supportive of him as I should have been.

As far as his friends are concerned I dont think he "cares" about that so much as he does me but it is a large factor in his life- you know they are more like his family (who also hate me for some reason). So I think its hard for him to just say to them "you dont know her the way I do" or "Yeah Im hurting but I know shes hurting too" It comes out more like "Im hurting because of her" and so they think Im bad for him.

I just wrote him an email (response to his) kind of explaining that- this is something we've kind of discussed before but now that all we have is words its a little easier.

I do miss him a lot though. I know that he misses me too and it makes me wonder why I have to go through all of this. I know that he doesnt want to be hurt any more but Im afraid he is going to end up with someone else. I dont know what to do make things better and everyday I feel like I miss him more than the day before

Ok time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Several things stand out in your thread. You moved to HIS area to be nearer to him. HIS friends seem to have an influence over who he likes. face it - you're out of your 'area' as it were. This will alter how you act and your character to some extent.
This might even be an obvious change, but not one that you can be blamed for - it's natural, but it might be enough for someone to think 'Hell, this isn't the same girl I dated whilst at college/ in that town?'

With having relocated to his area you'll be a lot more dependent on the guy. For support, for friendship, for things to do, etc. Whilst not wrong (and again, not your fault) this can place a bit of pressure on the guy. Whereas before you could go and hang out with some of your other friends and so could he, in the new place you don't have that option.

Don't kick your own ass about who did what, I'm willing to put money on the fact that things started going crappy after you moved to his area. It's not your fault and you shouldn't need to bear that weight.

Go Snowoarding. Some friends and I are planning to go to Chile this summer to do just that and you're more than welcome to hang out with some absolute nutters who appreciate some of the simpler things in life like gravity and the friction reducing properties of water. This goes for anyone else that wants the break too. If you can't board or ski, well then we'll push you down the hill on a trashcan lid or something. All you need is to feel some wind in your face and no-one but God to hear you scream and all is good with the world.
You just need to find your place of true Zen. Trust me on this.

*beats self with a large stick*

Im such a fuck up. I WANT TO LEAVE IT ALONE I JUST FUCKING CAN'T!!!!! I spoke to him yesterday and wrote him yet another email. Im so afraid to lose him my life its an endless thought of HIM! I remember when I had a real life- things to do and my mind wasn't plagued by the thoughts of "wonder what Jon is doing now" or "I wonder if hes home" or "I wonder how his project in class went" or any of those things. NOW all I do to keep my mind off things is focus on my job (which if I havent mentioned before I HATE) and smoking. My friends are there for me but what the fuck can they do?

We talked yesterday on AIM since he wont actully call me. He said he thinks hes making it worse by talking to me that I keep getting more and more upset. But the real reason I am upset is because Im scared that he wont talk to me and the more he doesnt talk to me the worse I feel. In addition to that I feel like he is trying to make me get over him, because he has already accepted the fact that I wont change. Well little does he know that I am going to a fucking therapist just so I can do that. I wonder if he sees the change in me if he will change his mind or if will be too late.
My biggest fear is that I'll do all this- go through all this shit- see a psychologist (which I hate because its all fucking babble)and in the end it wont make a fuck of a difference. But I know that if I DONT do this I am definately going to lose him so Im in an absolutely NO WIN SITUATION here.

The other thing is why doesnt he reply to my emails? Not that he owes me that he doesnt I mean he doesnt owe me anything but honestly Im writing from my heart the least he could do is write from his.

Am I so wrong in wanting that? WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO? I want to leave him alone I want to get on with my life- talk to him occasionally but Im afraid hes going to forget about me. I want him to see the progress that I am making and I dont know how to go about that if he thinks that talking to me is a bad idea.

I guess I just have to wait to hear from him again via email. Hope that he response in a positive way-until then Im hopeless

unless you want to drive him to the point where he can't stand you at all, leave him alone. if he's going to come back, he has to do it by himself, not because you forced him to see how much you've changed.

------------------
kuru
'dancing is the vertical expression of horizontal desire.'
-robert frost

It doesnt matter- Ive got plans this weekend anyway. Im not stopping my life because he doesnt know what he wants.

I guess my only satisfaction will be that in the end i will be a better person for doing all the things Im doing.

Ok, so that last one was just a recent thing that happened to me but... the rest still hold true. Just blowing off some steam...

-miNus

See that pinch of salt over there? Take it

------------------
-- incubus
As I chase the leaves like the words I never find ...

My situation involves damn near everything you mentioned. Nice girl, going out with an asshole. He dumps her (yay for me, now I have a chance, or so I thought...), and then they start going back out again. Damn. Then they break up again. Hell yeah. Then they're back together. Fuck. He dumps her AGAIN, and she still wants him!!! STILL!!! WTF!?!?! Now they're back together for the THIRD TIME!!!

And yes, women totally and utterly fuck with men's minds...

Whatever. I'm done.

The girls still go for the assholes after being dumped because they'd rather be with an asshole that they've had brief amounts of fun with than be alone.
Face it. Society puts so much pressure on girls to be in a relationship they're prepared to even have crap ones. Watch daytime tv for half an hour and I guarantee (unless you watch Public access only) that you'll see a show where one or more girls are either getting or losing boyfriends. It's silly.

As for number 4: Women DO screw with our minds in that we men have to think about the relationship/women and thinking isn't something we do well.
Hunting and gathering, on the other hand, doesn't require much thinking.....

quote:

---

Originally posted by Casper:
Dude, miNus, you hit the nail right on the head there (damn... I told myself I'd try to stop using cliches... I hate those things... anyway...).

My situation involves damn near everything you mentioned. Nice girl, going out with an asshole. He dumps her (yay for me, now I have a chance, or so I thought...), and then they start going back out again. Damn. Then they break up again. Hell yeah. Then they're back together. Fuck. He dumps her AGAIN, and she still wants him!!! STILL!!! WTF!?!?! Now they're back together for the THIRD TIME!!!

And yes, women totally and utterly fuck with men's minds...

Whatever. I'm done.

---

Damn man, sounds like that one is massively CockWhipped. Either that or she likes putting up with large amounts of emotional torture and bullshit. Interesting though, I bet you 10 bucks if everyone she bitched and cryed to about the asshole stopped talking to her about it or ignored her she wouldnt go back to him.

------------------
All that I know there was no God for me
Force that shatters all, absence of mortality