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Forum: Rants Topic: Sodas, et al. started by: TheTaxMan Posted by TheTaxMan on Jul. 17 2001,23:48
I was walking out of Wal-Mart the other day absolutely parched. Up ahead of me was a large black aluminum and plastic case what in almost all circumstances is none as a vending machine. Now, this particualr vending machine was plastered with a Sam's logo and a gigantic soda can right on the front. In addition to this monstrous advertisment, a smaller, although no less obvious label was placed in the upper corner. It read 25¢. This is wonderful! Not only will I be able to get my alloted twelve ounces of tasty beverage, it'll only cost me a quarter-dollar. I approached the vending apparatus, which will hence for be known as the Teasing Machine of Satan, and reached into my pocket, withdrawing a shiny new quarter. I quickly deposited it in the proper receptacle, and eagerly awaited the familiar clink, singalling me to press one of the large glass buttons from which the beverages come. *clink* I pressed the Satan Machine's button for a nice, refreshing cola. It was almost sexual I was so thirsty. I waited a moment. Silence insued. No bevarge rolling out, no money return, nothing. Ok, I can get a root beer and all is well. I press the button to get a Sapirilla. Again, nothing. Damn it, now I'm getting angry. All I want is a small twelve ounce can of soda pop. I go for a final try before giving up all hope on ever having my quarter redeemed for it's value. I decide I'll be satisfied with a orange drink. *press* *clunk clunk clunk* Excellent, I'll get to satiate my thirst, finally. So I thought anyhow, I reached down and pulled out what the Color-Blind Teasing Machine of Satan gave me. A Diet Dr. Thunder. Ok...I guess this is better than nothing. Wrong! After cracking the top and taking a drink it is worse than could ever be possibly amagined! Woah is me! I quickly place it in the trash and spit several times, thoroughly disgusted. Now, I'm not won to try and change the way a store is run, but does it give them pleasure to see people yeeling at their vending machines in frustration? Does it give them pleasure, that after having to a) find something in the enormous store that causes more light polution than the city of San Marcos and b) deal with the ignorant, incompetent cashiers they get to watch their customers deal with shoddy soda machines? It's like an old form of torture, except the scorpions aren't being dropped in on us, we walk freely into them. What has happened in America that we settle for such half-assed attempts to serve ourselves? Maybe if we stopped kicking our own asses, we could come up with a way to get the Olympics in a country whose idea of fun isn't rolling over people with ten tons of heavy ordinance. That's right, in 2008 the olympics are in Beijing. Human rights violators, communists, and black market organ stealers are only a few of the people that will be harrassing all of our athletes in a couple of years. I bet they don't even have soda machines in China and if they did, I bet they would work. Why? Because the guy loading it full of soda probably has a gun to his head, and if he doesn't do it in record time pieces of his skull will be plastered to that delicious Coca-Cola the drugged up swimmers are chugging down. Got Steroids? The chinease national team ure does. I bet there are more Race Horse Steroids in one of them than the entire line up of the Kentucky Derby. Maybe if we drugged up our soda vendors, not only could they fill a machine properly, but run the 100m dash in under nine. Enjoy! ------------------ Posted by miNus on Jul. 18 2001,00:43
Excellent post taxman. Superb. I love the little hint of sarcasm in the, what shall from here on be referred to as a story, story. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you've read Douglas Adams before. If not, ow.-miNus Posted by TheTaxMan on Jul. 18 2001,01:14
I have read some of his books, although it hasn't very much influenced how I write. That's bonified TaxMan material. Going back, it is sick how many spelling errors I have, but I'm just too lazy to correct them.------------------ Posted by CowboyNeal on Jul. 18 2001,01:21
I loved the part about the nice, refreshing cola.------------------ *by little i mean huge** **and by Cowboy I mean fat-ass |