Topic: Shock just ended
started by: demonk
Posted by demonk on Jul. 22 2002,19:40
Ok, the shock that I suffered this weekend has just ended, so the emotions are starting to flood over me. If I don't share and work through these, I might have some bad problems. And since I concider you, the people of detnet, my friends, I've chosen to share with you. This is a very touchy subject and it has been engrossing my life for over 3 months now. Quick recap:Girlfriend of almost 4 years goes to Korea for study abroad in Feburary. Calls at beginning of April and says she wants to date other people. Tells me she had cheated on me. I naturely feel like complete shit. I spend the next several months in counceling working through a lot of problems, some directly from her breaking up with me, some from problems I've always had. Middle of June roles around, I feel like a new man. I have identified all my major and most of my minor problems and had addressed most. Friends start to notice a huge change in me. I become a complete, happy person who doesn't need a woman in my life to define my selfworth.
Ok, so here's the new stuff. She comes back late June. Because of everything that has happened, I had things I need to say to her. I sat her down and basicly tore her apart emotionally. I then forgave her for everything she had done because that was the only way I was going to get over my anger. It worked. Now, there were reasons that I dated her for almost 4 years, and those reasons where still there. So, we decided to try and be friends. After a few weeks, I notice that I"m starting to slip into old patterns of trying to make her happy, all in an attempt to win her back. So I stop calling her and stop thinking of doing things with her on purpse to get over these desires. Things were going well on that front.
Then my old roommate and good friend of mine (let's say portrman for those who can remember him) called up and said that he got a new BBQ for his apartment down in Corvallis (where we both goto college). We decided to get together this past Saturday, hang out, BBQ some meat, and just have a good time. We did. Saw a movie, talked computers, watched some comedy, and made pork chops. Then, just before I was going to leave, he wanted to go on a walk. Me being Mr Oblivious didn't think much of it. While on this walk, he told me that he has started dating my ex.
At first I became completely numb and didn't know how to react. I slowly started to realize that I still do have a lot of real feelings towards her and that I'm not ready to sign off having a future with her. I became very depressed and walked away from him. I thought about suicide for the next 30 minutes. Sometime in there my anger turned from being directed at myself to being directed at him and her. Since she was in another town at the time, most of it was directed only on him. I turned and found him following me talking on his cell phone. Appearently he was afraid I was going to do something to myself, and he was calling my mother to come get me. I didn't like this since I'm not a child, I can take of myself. About this time my anger flared really high and I attacked him. I only got one punch in before disgust took over and I couldn't even look at him.
When I got back to my car, he had had one of his friends block me in with his car so I couldn't drive away. Since I couldn't leave by car, I started off on foot. He kept following me, this time on his bike. I didn't want him around me, because all I felt was pure rage and anger at him. He knew how I felt about her. He had been my friend since high school! Yet he did this. And it isn't like they are ment for each other or these really compatible people. If you knew them, you could easily see that their emotions aren't really for each other, just emotions in general. He has been looking for a long time and has many emotional problems of his own, so he's in a very vulnerable state. She is unable to exist outside of a relationship, so she started looking, even if subconciously, since she came back. So they both found each other looking, and latched on to each other. I know how she does relationships: she will jump into bed with anyone that has mutual attraction to her, with or without any real romantic feelings. So I know that they have already started a physical relationship. It just eats me up inside to think about that.
So, after trying to put my fist through his face for the next 2 hours and failing (he was on a bike after all), my parents show up and drive me home. I spoke to her in person that night, and the only thing saving her was that I had had 90 minutes in a car to calm down. I told both of them that this was it. I can't deal with them and that I refuse to be friends with either of them anymore. I'm afraid for them, because this will end very badly for them. They won't make it, even they know this. In the end, she will probably leave him or cheat on him, or who knows what. But because of his past and his emotional state, I expect him to try to comitt suicide when she leaves him. This entire thing has ruined 3 friendships, just for some nookie. I've lost what I thought was a good friend, and I've lost all respect for her. It just hurts to have such a betrayl like this.
Posted by jim on Jul. 22 2002,19:55
Sucks man... You have to let go... Or at least that's what I'd do.First of all, I never date chicks that have mutual friends of mine. (There is always that chance that your friends may start in with her)
Second, I never remain friends with women I've dated. (Eventually they will fuck someone else, and eventually you WILL find out about it)
Third, any guy that would date your Ex, without first talking to you about it first is either... Not your friend or Extremely desperate. Another option is that he was made for her, but NOT if he didn't talk to you about it first.
Just random thoughts. And I speak from experience on this. As I've been cheated on, I've had a friend backstab and snake my woman, etc. etc...
Just know that it's not gonna happen with her, and move on. And tell that guy he either needs to cut ties with that chick, or cut ties with you.
Posted by just_dave on Jul. 22 2002,20:24
Posted by demonk on Jul. 22 2002,20:25
I've already told both of them that I've cut ties to them both. Wounldn't matter if he dumps her tomorrow, next week, or next year. Damage has been done. They started dating 4 DAYS after she came back! Doesn't anyone else find that a little fucked up? And it's not because he was made for her, I can tell you that. Yes, they have shared ONE common life altering experience, but on all other levels I just know that they weren't made for each other. He's just desperate and has been for years. The one other girl that he fell for basicly said that she could barely see him as a friend, let alone a romantic partner. They both are fucked up emotionally, they even know it, but they don't want to change. The know that this will be bad for them, yet they still are going to do it. Fucking asshole. I'm still angry at him, so the next time I see him, I'm just going to walk right up to him and belt him right across the face. No words, no threats, just one solid, rage filled punch. That will be the last communication he and I have. I never want to be friends with him again.
Posted by Nikita on Jul. 22 2002,20:36
I agree with jim.Additional junk:
That "remaining friends" thing - just near impossible. That's the one thing I hate about dating - if it turns sour, you lose a friend (or if he/she turns out to be an asshole/bitch, you don't lose too much)
Your friend could have talked to you first, being you best friend and all. But all that car blocking, calling your mom, chasing after you with a bike ... what the hell was all that about? Sounds like he has control issues ... manipulative or insecure or something like that ...
Then again - best friend or ex - you don't/can't control their lives or decisions. They're all grownups (ok maybe not emotionally/mentally), but they can take care of themselves one way or the other. Sure, you can go ahead pity them, but you can't blow a gasket by judging them or dictating what's "right" for them. Only they can decide and follow through. Whatever lies ahead is for them to find out (and if in a vengeful state, for you to sit back and laugh at the pitiful outcome).
You said "I know how she does relationships: she will jump into bed with anyone that has mutual attraction to her, with or without any real romantic feelings." AND "In the end, she will probably leave him or cheat on him, or who knows what." Is this the truth or words of anger/spite? If true, then why the fuck do you want to subject yourself to more pain? You deserve better. Walk away. You were happier before she came back - I'm sure that it wasn't easy to make the transition, but don't get sucked back into the grime you got yourself away from. Changing yourself shouldn't be a temporary phenomena - it's a long term, genuine change. If you truly like the person you have become, avoid the things/people that drag you back to the old you.
Finally, you and the girl aren't together - you "tore her apart emotionally and forgave her ... It worked"
Honestly. Did it?
*hug*
Posted by demonk on Jul. 22 2002,20:45
Those words aren't completely hate filled, but those did happen. And yes, I have honestly forgiven her for what she did in our past relationship and what she did while in Korea. It's strange to think that even now, when I'm so mad at both of them, that I'm not angry at her for her past actions. I'm angry at her for betraying me and making me lose a friend. I can't look at him now without thoughts of him and her together. That's not healthy. I'm also angry at her for lying to me, very blantently. She didn't say flat out she was single, but she definatly talked and acted like she was. It has been over 3 weeks since they started, you would think they could have told me by now. Their timing sucks ass!And I am concerned for him. He doesn't know her the way I do. She can't be with guys like him (how I used to be). She will eat him up and spit him out because he had no idea how to deal with a woman like that. I'm afraid that she'll end up putting him in the same kind of mental state that I have been in for years, and then leave him. At that point, I'm afraid he'll kill himself. That is a real concern of mine. I may not want to be friends with him ever again, but I don't want him to die. She knows she does this to guys like him, but she still goes for them.
I'm rambling at this point. You are right, I can't make them do anything, and I've already done what I needed to do. I've removed them from my life. I no longer need to let them effect me. Either I'm beginning to accept this fact, or the shock is coming back. Either way, I"m feeling better.
Posted by jim on Jul. 22 2002,20:52
www.matchmaker.comInternet Dating at it's best! Find you a new women and go out and get drunk!
And I'm not posting this sarcastically. I used to use this website all the time. I could sit around at work BSing with chicks, and setting myself up for dates that night.
And yes, there are some nappy, 3 kid having, white trash, fat, skanks on there. But there are also some un-believably hot chicks on there as well.
I've only had one break up that drove me insane, that's when I discovered Matchmaker.com. From that point on, I was so busy chatting up women, and going on dates every night, that I forgot about all my problems.
Try it!
Bet you'll like it!
Posted by Beldurin on Jul. 22 2002,21:49
stay strong, dk...as for your friend...you're not his keeper. You got upset about him trying to "control" you by calling your parents, blocking you in, etc. That bothered you because you feel that you are and should be the master of your own life. So it should be with him. It is difficult to not worry about people when we think we know what's best for them. You may, you may not, but it's not your responsibility.Some bridges are better off burned.
Posted by demonk on Jul. 22 2002,21:56
Soooo true!/me turns around and kicks last few stones from old bridges into bottemless pit
Posted by Wiley on Jul. 22 2002,21:58
| Quote (demonk @ 22 July 2002,11:40) |
| While on this walk, he told me that he has started dating my ex. |
I don't even know the guy and I want to kill him. That's just fucked up. I mean, i'd be different if you dumped her and didn't have feelings for her any more, or it had been ten years, or they had know eachother before you got together ...but damn dude, to have him invite you to a BBQ and act like nothing is up and then tell you outta the blue is jacked up.
There is only one solution, you must fuck your ex's sister ...or the sister of this guy ...or both at the same time. If there are no sisters then you have to move onto mothers ...it's the only way to cause as much pain as they put you through. And destroy some personal property. That sometimes makes me feel better. Just don't kill anybody (self included) that just makes things generally worse.
Anti Suicide Rant:
I knew a guy who tried to off himself with a gunshot to the abdomin. It didn't work so well and he was all messed up after that. He couldn't digest food and had to have like 10 surgeries to try and fix the mess. Anyhow, he got over his depression, got a girlfriend who he loved, was happy and wanted to live but the doctors told him he was going to die in a few years. He tried evrything he could to stay alive but he started going down-hill after a while. He fought hard to stay alive but his suicide finally worked ...just when he realized that it was the last thing he really wanted. It's like a temporary fix that you can't undo. Things change too much to make rash decisions ...but I'd still fuck that guys sister if I were you.
Posted by demonk on Jul. 22 2002,22:13
Hehe, that would be pretty good. He has two older sisters, both married with kids. Don't think I have much of a shot. But it would be funny as hell, because one of his brother-in-laws is also a friend of my ex at school! Jerry Springer has NOTHING on this fucked up love triangle!
Posted by CatKnight on Jul. 23 2002,00:13
stop being such a pussy demonk. put things in perspective.the worst part of what happened was your friend doin your ex, i know it hurts to even think about that, but who gives a crap. so she's not your girl anymore, and hes not your friend anymore. move on. i lost all my best friends from high school when i came up to college here, most of them i had been friends witht since preschool, most of them i havn't talked to since my freshman year. it sucks but its just life. you'll meet new friends and new hot chicks that you fall in love with.
Posted by demonk on Jul. 23 2002,00:22
That is very true CK. I've been telling myself this since April. But there is one problem I have found. Emotions don't listen to logic and reason. Sucks ass because mentally I don't want to want her anymore. Mentally I know that she isn't the one for me. Mentally, I'm finished. I just need to wait for my emotions to catch up. That's the sucky part. Oh well, they say the best cure of the last one is the next one
Posted by CatKnight on Jul. 23 2002,02:36
emotions DO listen to reason if you are adamant about it. and yeah all u need is a fling to get your m0jo workin again.
Posted by WillyPete on Jul. 23 2002,09:10
Wtf?You get pissed at what your friend says and he thinks you're gonna top yourself. And then you state that if/when she dumps him, he'll most likely top himself.
Are you guys some local branch of "Let's all kill ourselves Anonymous"?
Christ, so someone gets dumped. If everyone felt that way after getting dumped it'd just be people like Jeffry Dalmer left on this planet.
Posted by Wolfguard on Jul. 23 2002,14:06
| Quote (CatKnight @ 22 July 2002,21:36) |
| emotions DO listen to reason if you are adamant about it. and yeah all u need is a fling to get your m0jo workin again. |
im about 75%-25% with ck here.
emotions do listen to reason sooner or later if your adamant about it. in time you will be able to logicly deal with your emotions because you faced her and told her exactly how she mad you feel. right now you have a touch of emotional inertia but that will pass. (hence the 25%)
Take Jim's advice and pop into one of the on-line dating services, go out and have fun. get your m0jo working again. and remember, even "nappy, 3 kid having, white trash, fat, skanks" need love too.
im thinking you will be fine.
and remember, the guy that blocks your car and wont let you move is most likely waiting for his car jacker buddy to pull the gun on you and take your car. well...that is what you tell the police after you "Move" him with a bit of force.
Posted by aznangl on Jul. 23 2002,20:02
the one thing you guys don't know is that the reason DK's car was blocked off was because he was in no state to drive. had he gotten behind that wheel, chances are it would have been disastrous. i've said my peace. i'm not here to judge or side with anyone. just wanted to state a fact that wasn't being seen.
Posted by BlackFlag on Jul. 23 2002,20:16
you can affect the way you feel. Logic can conquer emotion!Punch yourself really hard in the balls everytime you think of smething nice about your ex. Doesn't even have to be sexual longing, etc.... just anything positive. This will be painfull, but less painfull than your current method of (not) dealing with your loss. Also, eventually you will program yourself to hate her, which is much more healthy than loving her (given her general slutty nature.)
Posted by demonk on Jul. 23 2002,21:07
Since when do I get refered to as "DK"? This makes me think of CK and that I"m like the next in line after him or something. This must stop. If you want to refer to me, actually type "demonk". I've said my piece on this issue.
Posted by Beldurin on Jul. 23 2002,21:39
ok, DK, no problemc'mon...you knew someone would say it
Posted by CatKnight on Jul. 23 2002,22:47
is aznangel demonk's former chick? if so, and if demonk's side of the story is cloest to the truth, you're a real cunt!
Posted by one on Jul. 23 2002,23:20
I think it's the buddy who blocked him in...
Posted by demonk on Jul. 24 2002,01:14
No, aznangl is just a female friend of mine from school. She and I are working at Intel this summer and she knows portrman and has met my ex a couple of times before. The person who blocked me in was a friend of portrman's who lives next door to him. Yes, I was in no real mental condition to drive. I was so angry I probably would have ended up hitting someone or just drove off into a river somewhere. Still, I'm angry at being blocked in.
Posted by godcity on Jul. 24 2002,01:42
Hey demonk...feel like taco bell for dinner?
Posted by demonk on Jul. 24 2002,01:48
Ya, some mexican sounds good. meet me at my place at 6:30.
Posted by kuru on Jul. 24 2002,11:39
Hmm.Sudden influx of people who know demon in RL.
Posted by demonk on Jul. 24 2002,15:17
I know, this is strange to me too. Oh well.
Posted by incubus on Jul. 24 2002,19:56
Very fucked up demonk... I know how you feel. I think your actions were fully justified given the situation. You know where I am if you need a chat.Take care.
Posted by demonk on Jul. 24 2002,20:37
| Quote (incubus @ 24 July 2002,11:56) |
| You know where I am if you need a chat. |
I do?
Posted by Marauder on Jul. 24 2002,22:36
F'ed up, man. But then again, I'll repeat myself from another thread:'This just confirms my suspicion that messign with women's just as dangerous as cliff-diving into a three-foot lake.'
Okay, so I embellished it a bit. But I swear that the relationship between men and women is God's biggest gift(and practical joke) that we've found.
I'm just kinda wondering about your 'ex-'friend. I hope that when she dumps him or vice-versa, you'll both sit down over a drink and go through a conversation like this:
"Man."
"Hmm?"
"Women. They're crazy, man."
"Told ya."
Though it may not be possible.
Remember, in romance, you're not thinking coolly logically - and you can easily do something stupid. By the time they break up, he'll be back in his right mind, or F'ed up good enough to look for help/adivce. Besides, if he picked her up after four days, there's some serious shiz going on in there. I don't predict a storybook ending for those two.
Whether or not that works, take it easy in the meantime. Buy yourself a 6-pack of IBC and a bag of ice. Rent a movie or frag for a while.(I found out long ago that I need to cool off by deliberately trying to make myself feel better.)
Posted by incubus on Jul. 25 2002,00:12
| Quote (demonk @ 24 July 2002,12:37) | ||
I do? |
Everything but my phone number is in my profile dude.
