Topic: Things i think about
started by: ic0n0
Posted by ic0n0 on Jul. 23 2002,07:29
I am not as depressed as I once was, I am more just thinking about my life this evening and came to the radical conclusion that I will Probably end up killing myself at some point in the far future, not now I feel fine now, but some time in the future when I relapse into the hole that I know to well. It gets harder and harder to convince myself that my future is not sealed by my own hands so to speak. Like I said I feel fine now, but I know I will relapse again, drugs don’t help in the long run. I have a will to live now, but that will to live gets muted with me often. This isn’t an attempt to gain sympathy or to attract attention to myself, but rather a really disturbing conclusion. Now some will say this is self-fulfilling prophecy that if I think this it will happen, now I am not stupid enough to put myself in situations where I would be prone to relapse, but all it would take is drive to commit the act, which thus far I have never had. Things that have kept me from doing it in the past were not the will to live, but the desire to not cause more pain, and the realization that suicide is a very selfish act. But I also know I am a selfish person, I can be piety and I can be illogical, I fear that one day I will just let go. This is not a cry for help, like I have said but knowing yourself is important, and I know I am weak. I am reluctant to post this on the forums but quite frankly the forums are the only place where I can say what I am thinking without people taking actions that might be overreacting, at least here I am semi-anonymous. I do not value my life really, but I value others and that has so far kept me alive, but who knows how long I will be able to let my love of others rule over my self-hatred and self-destruction. I am my own worst enemy, the fight I fight everyday is to get out of bed and do something with my life. I fight against my instincts that tell me I am going to fail, my instincts that tell me it isn’t worth trying. I do not pity myself rather I question what the point in my existence if I am self-destructive and have to fight with an opponent that I cannot prevail over but only reduce to a stalemate. The worst thing for me is to stay me, I cannot stand my thoughts and actions, I cannot stand that I am even writing this. What made me this way, what kind of defective process would do that, but I know there is no reason I wish there was, I wish I could blame something other then myself for my defects but I can’t. I hate myself to much to improve myself, the irony being stuck in a state that goes no where, neither positive though improvement or negative. Maybe saying I hate myself isn’t right, I hate the thing inside me that causes me to be this way, I hate myself for creating my own problems and the complex I have, I am just diluting myself, I know that I do not want to take responsibility for my own fucked up mind.
Posted by Darth Liberus on Jul. 23 2002,08:39
::smack::/me waits for it to sink in...
::smack!:: ::smacksmackSMACK!::
do you LIKE feeling like this? no?
::smack!::
then wtf are you doing wallowing in it? so you're at a low point and you feel stuck. it happens. it's no reason to just give up. depression does go away if you're persistent, it just takes a long ass time. and you learn a hell of a lot along the way.
/me gives sympathetic, understanding look...
::smack!::
now eat your supper and go to bed.
Posted by Darth Liberus on Jul. 24 2002,02:24
addendum: I have discovered that bitchslapping is often more effective than empathizing... personally I find that when I'm stuck in self-pity mode (happens a lot lol) getting chewed out by somebody who's been there done that helps more than all the people who feel bad for me.
Posted by jim on Jul. 24 2002,02:26
Was there actually something to read in that post?All I see is a big square filled with letters....
(iow, form paragraphs, and I might read it)
Posted by j0eSmith on Jul. 24 2002,05:53
I think it was something about wanting to kill himself. Whatever, as long as it makes the rabbits go away.
Posted by ic0n0 on Jul. 24 2002,06:08
Posted by Beldurin on Jul. 24 2002,06:42
you're not the only one who's been depressed, and felt like that. I was lucky enough to get out of it by accident the first time. After that, I still get down...sometimes really down, but I just kick myself in the ass, call myself a selfish coward, and go do something. It always gets better. Then it'll probably get worse, but it'll get better again.I, for one, appreciate you posting here. I appreciate your insight and you humor (but not necessarily the bunnies).
Remember the reaction of detnet to Rshias' death? Remember the support for limeyguy (sp?) even though most of us didn't even know him? It's too bad that my post on the Rshias memorial thread has been lost...I would have liked to urge you to read it again. We never know whose lives we may touch. I once saved a dear friend's life without even knowing it, just by asking him to go to dinner with me.
Press on....ever on.
Posted by joelthegreat on Jul. 24 2002,10:19
He he he...It's "Thumper!" he he he. [/dork]
Posted by BlackFlag on Jul. 24 2002,11:22
| Quote |
addendum: I have discovered that bitchslapping is often more effective than empathizing... personally I find that when I'm stuck in self-pity mode (happens a lot lol) getting chewed out by somebody who's been there done that helps more than all the people who feel bad for me. |
/me agrees.
I owe WG, Wiley, Kuru and a few others thanks for flaming me. Thanks.
Posted by jim on Jul. 24 2002,23:00
I was depressed a loooooong time ago...Today I was trying to think about what ended my depression, or even what caused it for that matter.
Was it women? Nope. I had a girlfriend when I first started being depressed, and was still dating when it ended....
I have no idea why or how it started. The only 2 significant things I can think of that happened during that time period.
Basic Teenage, High School BS.
And I started doing drugs.
There are only a few things I can think of ended it.
No longer was in High School, I was now in the Marine Corps.
Stopped using drugs...
So I'll never really know if it was all the drugs I did, or if it's just a phase everyone goes through.
I do know that all my friends from school that are STILL depressed all the damn time, are also still using drugs.
Not an anti drug speech, just something that occured to me today. Never really thought much about my depressed sucidal days after they ended...
Matter of fact one of the guys I know that killed hisself, did it because of Heroin. He had just got out of a rehab hospital and shot up the same day. Broke down in tears, ran past his parents crying, grabbed his dad's shotgun, and BOOM.
What a dumbass. I have no sympathy for sucides. I miss my friend and all, and I still smoke a joint once a year on his anniversary with 3 of the other people we grew up alongside at his grave.
I also have a really cool shirt that says "Suicide is for Pussies"
Posted by jim on Jul. 24 2002,23:02
Wait. Let me also clarify that. People who kill themselves over depression are pussies.I'm all for physically ill people who want to off themselves.
If my dick fell off, or I became a quadro palegic, or had AIDS, or a terminal illness or something like that. I'd off-myself.