Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see. ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves 軸.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so . . ." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

My experience has taught me that this situation can be avoided with two things: trust and communication.

Communication is telling each other exactly how you feel and looking each other straight in the face when saying it. This has been mentioned numerous times in this forum so I won't go into much more detail.

The issue of trust is where things get all screwy. Most girls like Elaine have been burned in the past where their guys have lied to them repeatedly, so they stop taking what the guy says at face value and try to find hidden meaning.

The other factor working against the guy is how much easier it is for the girl to accept something bad than it is for something good. Elaine would rather accept that Roger doesn't really want her and that she isn't worth it, no matter how many times Roger says he wants her.

Things would be so much easier if we could take what the other says at face value with no hidden meaning.

And no, I'm not mad and bitter. I just learned a valuable lesson.

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When 1337 hax0rs start impaling each other with swords and typing code with a hook on one hand, then they can modify the term "pirate."

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"I am not a Marxist." -- Karl Marx

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"Put the cheese on my bum." -Tom Green
-< PersonGuy >

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I'm sorry - you must have mistaken me for someone who gives a fuck.

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Originally posted by The_Stomper:
CK, if you're going to use Dave Barry's material word-for-word, you could at least give him credit.

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yeah... chicks over think and analzy things WAY TO MUCH. but i dont think Roger would of been thinking about getting his oil changed... more like "hey... maybe ill finally get some tonight! aw, maybe not. she looks said. why the hell for? screw it."

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I may be paranoid, but not an Android.

quote:

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Originally posted by Observer:
The issue of trust is where things get all screwy. Most girls like Elaine have been burned in the past where their guys have lied to them repeatedly, so they stop taking what the guy says at face value and try to find hidden meaning.

And no, I'm not mad and bitter. I just learned a valuable lesson.

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This message has been edited by MattimeoZ80 on July 10, 2001 at 03:34 PM

I am a really straightforward person. I say what I mean while looking people in the face. And whenever it happened to me that I said something to a guy and really meant it, he either blocked off or didn't grasp what I was saying, however clear it was. So, my personal experience would rather tell me "don't say anything", though I know that is the wrong thing. But as stupidly as guys have behaved when I talked to them straightforward - don't expect me to believe any of that crap about women overanalyzing men etc.

*note* Sithiee does not want a girl who cannot think, just one who doesnt overanalyze. if she exists, he lays claim now.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Dark Knight Bob:
does anyone not notcie that sithee isnt actually talking out of his ass like a lot of people here

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quote:

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Originally posted by Dark Knight Bob:
does anyone not notcie that sithee isnt actually talking out of his ass like a lot of people here

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Originally posted by spicegoddess:
no guys are complicated. for example, girl goes out with guy, both had a great time, things went well. then, guy doesn't call, or guy blows girl off if she calls. communication ceases for awhile, meanwhile girl forgets boy and moves on.
a few weeks later...boy randomly reappears as if things are cool wanting to go out again. we need some consistancy here. it's the hot/cold behavior that makes boys so complicated and difficult. i understand that some girls do overanalyze but its to be expected if the guy is sending mixed signals

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Thats why either person says the magic phrase, "I liked that and I want to go out again, call me sometime."

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All that I know there was no God for me
Force that shatters all, absence of mortality

quote:

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Originally posted by Sithiee:
guys dont send signals. girls imagine them.

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Damn right!

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I'm sorry - you must have mistaken me for someone who gives a fuck.