Topic: First You Get a Cucumber...
started by: demonk
For this vagina simulator you need a cucumber much wider and a few inches longer than your penis. Cut off an inch or so from the end of the cucumber and use a paring knife and small spoon to scoop out the flesh to your desired depth and tightness. Start with a narrow hole and go slowly so your "vagina" is nice and tight! Then, in the side toward the top of the cucumber, carve a tiny hole that intersects with the tip of the tunnel you hollowed out.
Microwave the cucumber for 30 seconds to a minute until it is pleasantly warm (not hot!). You will not need any lubrication, as the cucumber's juices will suffice. Push your penis inside the cucumber — the warmth will get you erect almost immediately. Your penis should fit tightly — you can widen the opening a bit if you have to, but an erect penis will eventually work its way inside even a tight cucumber.
As for that hole you made on top: As you pull the cucumber off your penis, cover the hole with your thumb to create a delicious vacuum. Using this technique you can milk and "suck" at your penis throughout the whole delicious act.
Know where I could find any?
1) What excuse can I make when someone sees me nuking it?
2) How should I dispose of it so no one finds it?
Remember < THIS > simulator that the Bran-man presented?
~~~~~~~~~~~~Hehehe... "LUB"
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<P:\>erson\Guy.exe -PersonGuy *pERSONgUY.cfg
< http://www.personguy.com >
hmm... better think of some other things to buy while i'm there.
"Just one cucumber, please... thank you"
This message has been edited by askheaves on November 01, 2000 at 06:36 PM
Actually, I just remember something like this on love line. A chick was using a cucumber on herself, and Adam suggested that she keep salad dressing and crutons under the bed to throw people off the trail. 
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<P:\>erson\Guy.exe -PersonGuy *pERSONgUY.cfg
< http://www.personguy.com >
quote:
Originally posted by RenegadeSnark:
I would make this, but I couldn't find any 62 feet long cucumbers, much less any ones that were 40 feet circumfrence-wise.
Do what I do; use a watermelon 
I heard this one on love line:
Fill a zip-lock bag about 1/4 full of water, microwave ‘till warm, fold in half, and put a little lube inside. What separates this method from all others? Put it between the mattress and box-spring of your bed to simulate some pressure, but without any hole carving or size limitations. Hehe doggy-stile…
Damn, I forgot about this method before I got around to trying it...Now where did it put those zip-lock bags?
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Of course, that’s just my opinion; I could be wrong. -Dennis Miller
quote:
Originally posted by PersonGuy:
Wow. But there's still some instructions you forgot to include!!
...
2) How should I dispose of it so no one finds it?
keep everything you cut out, put it back when you're done
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Of course, that’s just my opinion; I could be wrong. -Dennis Miller
Clean it out and place it in a air tight Zip Lock bag and place it in the refrigerator. Now you can use it again a few more times!
all i can say is wow.... and i'll brb.. heh
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brodie
Now every face, it looks familiar...
then every face would melt away until now...
everyone, do you know, I know your deception?
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alternatively, go out and get laid
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-- incubus
As I chase the leaves like the words I never find ...
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<P:\>erson\Guy.exe -PersonGuy *pERSONgUY.cfg
< http://www.personguy.com >
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"there'll be time for explanations later... and hopefully some sex" - Ace Rimmer
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"i was born without any nads, so i guess like, my kids wont have nads either" - Beavis
Metal/Electronic/Ambient etc..
< http://www.mp3.com/fatbitch >
quote:
Originally posted by PersonGuy:
hehe, sex with a vegatable is still sex.
I think i know her...
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Nuke em' till they glow and shoot em’ in the dark and let the computer sort em' out.
Then wait for a mutation…
quote:
Originally posted by demonk:
Cucumber Simulator
So where's my cucumber simulator, huh punk? What's all this talk about vaginas and stuff--I want to know how I can simulate a cucumber goddammit!
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-- incubus
As I chase the leaves like the words I never find ...
1. Go to the store.
2. Buy a cucumber.
3. Hollow out the cucumber as per the above instructions.
4. Microwave the cucumber, also explained above.
5. Take this warm, mushy, hollowed-out cucumber and show it to some attractive girl and explain to her what you are going to be driven to do with this cucumber if she does not sleep with you instead. She may agree out of sheer pity and/or disgust.
Hmm... Perhaps I should have put this in the "Pickup lines" thread.
OK, my real opinion is, it's pretty sick that people would be willing to go as far as this whole cucumber bit just to simulate sex. Go and get a real woman or, barring that, an inflatable one.
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<P:\>erson\Guy.exe -PersonGuy *pERSONgUY.cfg
< http://www.personguy.com >
quote:
Originally posted by PersonGuy:
Do you also think vibrators are sick?
Sorry, I guess saying it's "sick" is a bit extreme, but what I mean is, I just can't see why you would want to go to all this effort.
However, the first part of your post was awfully funny. I'll try that next time
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"My name is John Johnson but everyone knows me as Vickie."
*shakes head*
--directhex
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The master has no need for money. And yet he sits and counts it. As a meditation.
-The Book of Cataclysm
No vegetable sex for me, thank you
This past weekend some guy up in Colorado Springs got busted by the police for having sex with a PUMPKIN in a deserted parking lot. Apparently a female officer saw him, walked up behind him, and said “excuse me sir, could you turn around?” Now, I have to wonder what he could possibly have said in such a situation “uhhhh...I fell over...and my dick got STUCK in this pumpkin, so...I was just trying to...uh...pull it out.” I guess they ended up slapping him with a public indecency fine and letting him go.
Jeez, a pumpkin, what a sick bastard
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Of course, that’s just my opinion; I could be wrong. -Dennis Miller
Not that I've done either... chick or cucumber... yet.
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<P:\>erson\Guy.exe -PersonGuy *pERSONgUY.cfg
< http://www.personguy.com >
besides - why would you want stinky cucumber mixed with jizz on your cock when you're done? and for that matter, what if that shit gets in your urethra?!
its not like its 'sick' or anything
just fucking weird
quote:
Originally posted by Michael:
Take this warm, mushy, hollowed-out cucumber and show it to some attractive girl and explain to her what you are going to be driven to do with this cucumber if she does not sleep with you instead. She may agree out of sheer pity and/or disgust.
Now THIS, on the other hand, is a good idea
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Of course, that’s just my opinion; I could be wrong. -Dennis Miller
This message has been edited by Blain on November 05, 2000 at 12:01 AM
quote:
Originally posted by portrman:
Go play with your cucumber while the rest of us find ourselves a real girl.
You know, coming online and posting stuff in these forums to the effect of "Ha ha, I've got a real girlfriend" is just about the most annoying thing that you can do without cr0bar deciding to kick you out. I like what you have said in the other thread about deciding not to have sex yet, and it looks like you are treating this relationship a lot more intelligently that some of the people here, but that's still no reason to post stuff like this. It just makes it look like the only reason you wanted a girlfriend is for the status of having one. Don't use your girlfriend as a weapon for insulting other people.
quote:
Originally posted by portrman:
Ha Ha, that is probly as close as you will ever get to knowing what a real pussy feels like demonk. Go play with your cucumber while the rest of us find ourselves a real girl.
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But where is < Gamera >?
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<P:\>erson\Guy.exe -PersonGuy *pERSONgUY.cfg
< http://www.personguy.com >
get over your superiority attitude, and keep in mind that YOU haven't even felt a real pussy yet.
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kuru
'sex is one of the most beautiful and natural things that money can buy' - steve martin
True I don't know all of u that well. I started reading the forums mid last school year off and on. But have now decided to actually take part in them. Also my roommate has been actively particapating in the forums since mid last school year and all summer as well as this school year. And he has been all to happy to tell me about some of u guys/gals. So forgive me as I am a dick currently. Just feeling u all out, I won't be forever I promise.
This message has been edited by portrman on November 09, 2000 at 02:27 PM
quote:
Originally posted by portrman: (On his website)
I have a novel idea, why not start being upfront with one another.
Just out of interest, how is this working out for you? I have a very similar philosophy, and it's having a rather wide variety of effects at the moment, but I applaud whatever efforts you are making in that direction. Is this the approach you took with your girlfriend?
Oh, and as for your website's "new coloring scheme" (sorry, but website aethetics is a pet peeve of mine) I would try something other than that plain grey, maybe a grey that has just a slight blue or red tint... or maybe a brighter color ... or ... something. Good coloring schemes are always rather hard to come by, especially if you're trying for a three-color rather than two-color scheme.
Cheers!
quote:
Originally posted by kuru:
portman, you got a lot of nerve to show up here as a newbie and start insulting these guys. you don't know jack shit about any of 'em, and personally, as a chick, i'd rather date most of THEM than some guy who insists that he's better than them because he can 'find a real girlfriend.'get over your superiority attitude, and keep in mind that YOU haven't even felt a real pussy yet.
Bra-fucking-vo!
Here you are, portrman, with a name that we aren't sure if it's a typo, trying to play with the big boys. You have 12 posts, you're a virgin, you brag about having a girlie. There are a bunch of us trying to help you out on another thread, folks with 200-500-800 posts giving time to your problem, and you're coming back like you know us. Granted I've only been here a couple of months, but I've come to know, to some extent, the folks here and have never gone off on anybody personally (I think?). You may think that we (am I part of we yet?) have an elitist attitude and we're coming down on you because you're new... but we are merely reacting to your presumption that we don't mind being mocked when we can't tell if you're a serious dick or not because we haven't gotten time to get to know you. Ug.
And finally: You're 19 years old, you're in a god damn 7-11, you don't know shit about shit, and pull up your pants!
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<º(((><
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Ah screw it.
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ICEGAMING.COM
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Only you can prevent forum fires.
1: make some bread dough
2: Insert penis
3: leave to "rise"
4: bake for not-very-long-at-all
5: enjoy!
Damn, I should really stop thinking.
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"* Wenner pushes the "locate penis" button"
id like to see that look of disgust on their face and laugh my ass off.
NOW THERES A WAY TO DISPOSE IT!
as for what to say when caught with it..
Man, that's gotta suck.
T
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Vi Forever! (or at least till you figure out how to quit..)
This message has been edited by Trog on May 15, 2001 at 06:22 AM