Example:
"Ohh, the dogs, what's next? Dogs with bees in their mouths and when the bark the shoot bees at you?"
Homer

OR

"He didn't give you gay, did he?"
Homer

------------------
They have cats in the future?

*Ned knocks at the door*

Homer: What do you want?

Ned: Well hi-diddle-e-oh there neighbor-oonie! Ive just happen to got 2 extra tickets to the ball game today and i was wonder-

*Homer slams the door*

Homer: -I just wish i could get 2 tickets to the baseball game *Wahhhh!!!*

Marge: Homer, thats not Jesus, thats just a waffle that Bart threw up there

*Marge scrapes the waffle off the ceiling for Homer*

*Homer takesa bite*

Homer: Hmmmm... sac-ralicious....

im not sure i got all the wording right, but that was the main idea of the story

------------------
UT 0wnz j00 all!

I have many favorite quotes, but from the top of my head:

"Tastes like burning!" -- Ralph

"I am the champions, I am the champions" -- Homer

"Everything except the catfish" -- Bart

"Where's Bart? His food is getting all cold, and eaten" -- Homer

"I've created Lutherans!" -- Lisa

------------------
"Everyone's favorite implement for any task"
------------------

quote:

---

Originally posted by cr0bar:
Note: The new episodes of the simpsons suck (the ones produced after futurama started). Scab writers == bad.

---

Indeed. They just haven't been the same. What happened to the good ol' humor:

Homer: Kids...I'm not gonna die! That only happens to bad people!
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh...He sold poisoned milk to school children.

Homer: Lisa, you're not going to eat any meat anymore? Not even bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Yeah Lisa, some...magical, mystical animal!

Homer: How come the dog gets to eat meat?
Marge: Homer, that dog food is mostly made of snouts and entrails.
Homer: Mmmmmm... snouts.

"To start, press any key... where's the any key?" -Homer

"Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage." -Mr. Burns

"MAN! You go through life, you try to be nice to people... you reist the urge to PUNCH them in the FACE, and for what? All so some pimply little PUKE can treat you like dirt, cause your'e not on the TEAM! Well I'm better than dirt! ...well most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt, that stuff's loaded with nutrients, I can't compete with that..." -Moe

"I'm an old man! I hate everything but Matlock! Oooh! It's on now!" -Grandpa

"Thank you for coming! I'll see you in hell!" -Apu

"Torture Land... Explosion Land... Unneccesary Surgery Land... Searing Gas Pain Land... Hmmmmmmm.... " -Marge

*Don't say revenge, don't say revenge...*
"Uh, Revenge?"
*That's it, I'm outta here!* -Homer and his Brain

[This message has been edited by Bozeman (edited September 19, 2000).]

and from the same episode...

Homer: "I'm probably the last guy on earth who should have kids.. No, wait.."

if they're not verbatim, i apologize. it's been a while since i've had tv.

------------------
kuru
'if your children ever found out how lame you are, they'd kill you in your sleep.' -frank zappa

Bart: Hey, Apu... This bag of ice has a head in it!
Apu: Oooh! A head bag! Those are chock full of ........ Heady goodness!

TV: "The Following is a public service announcement! Alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum."
Homer: Mmmm... Beer.

Homer: Dig him up! Dig up that corpse! If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue!
Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

------------------
"Is this real, or am I dreaming?"

Homer: Mr. Burns you’re the richest guy I know, even richer then Lenny.
Burns: yea, but I’d trade it all for a little bit more.

Homer: ok brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me; but lets do this together so I can get back to killing you with alcohol.
Brain: it’s a deal.

To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems! -homer

That pointy kitty took daddy’s key! –Ralph
What’s a battle? -Ralph

------------------
"But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home
wine-making course and forgot how to drive?"
-Homer Simpson

Homer: Trying is the first step towards failure.

and then, after a poisoned danish lands in a cart at the fair blowing up the cart, the poliece chief comes buy and says...

Thank goodness it landed in that giant smoking crater!

------------------
Two elephants fell off a cliff. BOOM! BOOM!

"Find your soulmate, homer"

"Wait a second.....dogs don't talk!"

"Woof!"

"Damn Straight!"

"Oh won't someone stop that horrible, horrible man!?" -- Chief Wiggum

My friends and I play a fun game we should try. Think of the most generic (but memorable) simpsons quote you can, and then the other person tries to guess which episode it's from

"I can't even say te word titmouse without giggling like a schoolgirl. Hehehehehehehe!" -Homer

Homer: Bart... I don't want to alarm you...
but there may be a boogy man or boogy men in the house.

-slim

"please do not offer my god a peanut" -Apu

"mmm... hog fat" -homer

--directhex

------------------
The master has no need for money. And yet he sits and counts it. As a meditation.
-The Book of Cataclysm

"We're just going to have to cut back on the luxuries." - Marge
"Well, you know, we're always getting maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't have." - Homer

"At my house we call them uh-oh's" - Ralph

------------------
"If it doesn't work, hit it with a hammer."

This message has been edited by DrunkNigel on November 14, 2000 at 06:38 AM

"Dad why are you singing" Lisa
"Tell a lie, tell a lie" Homer's Brain
"Because I have a small roll in a broadway musical, it's not much but it's a start" Homer
"Bravo, *clap, clap, clap*" Homer' Brain

"...Homer, it's never easy to say this, I'm going to have to saw your arms off" Medic
"They'll grow back right?" Homer
"uhh.....yeah...." Medic
"Homer are you just holding onto the can" Medic
"Your point being" Homer

"Ahhh....BOOGIE MAN" Homer

"Dear Baby welcome to dumpsville, population, you" Homer

"In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics" Homer

"Homer Sleep Now" Homer

"The mail, the mail is here....ohhh" Homer

"Yes I'm sorry I do not speak english" Apu

"Silly customer, you can not hurt the twinkie" Apu

"Uh oh, my heart just stopped" Barney

"You mean it, it ain't me noggin, it's me peepers" Bart

"Excellent...." Mr. Burns

"Smithers, Release the hounds" Mr. Burns

"Morons, pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money" Mr. Burns

"You call this a super computer" Mr. Burns

"No you got wrong number, this is 912" Chief Wiggum

"The metric system is the tool of the devil, my car gets 40 rods to the hog's head, and that's the ways I likes it" Grandpa

"Grandpa, How'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants" Lisa
"I don't know" Grandpa

"Maybe you all are homosexuals too, *boo, boo*" Mcbain

"The doctor said I wouldn't have soo many nose bleeds if I kept my finger out of there" Ralph

"I'm Troy Mclure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see, HARD CORE NUDITY" Troy Mclure

"Ya used me skinner ya used me" Willie

"Go ahead, water it down some more" Skinner
"My God man, I've water 'er down as far as she'll go, I can not water no more" Willie

"Pull Willie pull" Skinner
"I'm doing all the pullin ya blouse wearin poodle walker" Willie

Yes I know I have problems
I've got a Heat Transfer test in two hours and look what I'm doing.
And, No I didn't remember these from the top of my head...
Enjoy

[This message has been edited by Avalanche (edited September 20, 2000).]

------------------
A good programmer is someone who looks both ways on a one-way street

Moe: I got this deep frying on surplus from the Navy. It can flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.
Homer: 40 seconds? But I want it now ...

Homer: [holding tapioca pudding] Okay brain, we got to think up a way to trick Marge into liking us again.
Homer's Brain: Eatthepudding-Eatthepudding-
Eatthepudding-Eatthepudding-Eatthepudding-
Homer: Okay...but then we go back to thinking about Marge.

"...Wait a minute... statue of liberty... THAT WAS EARTH! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP!" -Homer

YAAARRRRR

"Sir, are you all right?" - Smithers
"I feel strange." - Burns
"I think your heart is beating!" - Smithers
"Oh, that takes me back..." - Burns

"Homer Simpson: Local Boob" - On a news cast

------------------

"The problem with reality is the lack of background music."
< http://home.earthlink.net/~boneshsd/nita/ >

[This message has been edited by Nene (edited September 20, 2000).]

"We didn't even put a dent in this 10 ft. hoagie."
"I'll give it a good home."

"How much longer are you going to eat that? I think the mayonaisse is starting to turn."
"Two more feet and i can fit it in the fridge."

"I found this behind this radiator. I want you to throw it away."
"Suggestion noted."

"Marge, I want to be alone with sandwich."
"You're not going to eat it, are you?"
"......Yes."

"I don't think you should drive to Duff Gardens. Your lips are turning blue."
"Duff Gardens, Hoo-rah!"
[head hits horn]

"Yarr, Burns! Yer scurvy schemes shall earn ye a one way ticket to the boneyard!"

"Hello everybody!" -Dr.Nick
"HELLO DR NICK!" -everybody

"I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas break honk. Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas. " -homer

"WOO HOO!" -homer

"SAX - A - MA - PHONE!" - homer
(best yelled at 4:00am when drunk)

"mmmmm 99 slices of american cheese" -homer
"mmmmm one... slice... of... american ..cheese" -homer
"homer have you been up all night eating cheese?" -marge
"awww I think I'm blind" -homer

------------------
-mmmmmm cows.....

[This message has been edited by ravedave (edited September 20, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by ravedave (edited September 21, 2000).]

Man: "Apu, you've got to raise the price on this ice; we lost five men this expedition!"

Officer (you know him, please post his name): "Hey, looks like there was an explosion at the ol' Simpson place."
Wigum: "Ah forget about it that's two blocks away."
Officer: "It looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney!"
Wigum: "I am proceeding on foot, follow in a code eight!"
Officer: "We need pretzels, repeat, pretzels!"

Homer: "X-Y-Z ... Now I know my ABCs, next time won't you sing with me!"
Officer: "We also would have accepted, 'Tell me what you think of me.'"

Homer: "A gime? What's a gime? OOHHH a gime!"

[Annoyed grunt]

------------------
Indeed, your logic is flawed.
-< Bluu >

[This message has been edited by Bluu (edited September 20, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Bluu (edited September 21, 2000).]

Tommacco
"This thing taste like Grandma." -Ralph
"Hmm, this thing DOES taste like grandma... we'll take 3 bushels." - Wigum

hahahah

One of my favorite parts:

Wiggum offers Homer a ride home. On the road, Wiggum pulls slowly up
behind a blue convertible. "Hmph. Their left taillight's a little
smaller than their right one. I better pull 'em over," he says, turning
on the siren and the flashing lights.

In the blue convertible, Marge sees the police car and says, "I think
they want us to stop." But Ruth is unwilling because the convertible is
stolen. So she guns it, speeding ahead of the pursuing cop. "Looks
like we got ourselves an old-fashioned car chase," grins Wiggum, putting
in a tape and singing along. "Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows:
everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together.
Brighter than a lucky penny; when you're near the rainclouds disappear
and I feel fine..." Homer joins in the singing.

....

Homer: ...it's Marge! She's become a crazed criminal just because I
didn't take her to the ballet.
Wiggum: That's exactly how Dillinger got started.
Homer: [interested] Really?

Ruth: Look, Marge, there's no reason for you to get dragged into this.
Once we lose the cops, I'll let you out.
Marge: Well, I don't think they'll be that easy to lose. These are
professional lawmen, and --
[Ruth turns the car's lights off]

Wiggum: Oh my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost-car! [slams on
the brakes]
There are ghost-cars all over these highways, you know.
Homer: [timid] Hold me.
Wiggum: [conciliatory] Only if you hold me.

A coyote howls, and the two men hold one another, quivering.

its not a quote, but its one of the best things ever on the simpsons:
when homer, dressed as krusty, goes to milhouse's party...
he's driving down the road and swerves into milhouse's yard and comes to a dead stop; then a second later he flies out the front windshield.

thanks for the link happyfish

"Doh!"

"my cat's breath smells like cat-food" -ralph

"miss hoover, i glued my head to my shoulder" -ralph

"look big daddy, it's regular daddy" -ralph

"hi super nintendo chalmers" -ralph

"hen I grow up I want to be a principal or a catipillar" -ralph

Ms. Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside.
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.

Ms. Hoover: I need a volunteer to present an oral report on Principal Skinner's life.
Ralph: Ms. Hoover, which one is oral?
Ms. Hoover: Out of your mouth, Ralph.

------------------
son.. fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.

Wife of Cletus: Why'd you have to park in front of your parents cuz we're gonna make out.

Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel: They're your parents too!

"Mmmm... logan berry" - Homer

Homer - "Marge, I never passed high school.
Marge -" That still doesn't explain why you ate my soaps...
Wait...maybe it does."

"We want chilly willy... we want chilly willy..."
- Barney cheering for RHCP

"Wa...Wha? *Pulls out his radio*. This is Police Chief Wigum reporting a 338, waking a police officer"

Volleyball
*POP! SSSSSSsssss*
"Children, that was our only ball, there will be no team this year"

------------------
-Gonff

Marge: Bart!! Where did you learn that language?

Homer (on phone): Man, those guys sure did suck! they were the biggest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Kids: Daaaaaad!!

Homer (still on phone): Oh, i gotta go; my damn wiener kids are calling me!

Homer: You dont cuddle with Max Powers! You starp yourself in, and FEEL THE G's!!

------------------
UT 0wnz j00 all!

From the X-files episode... unquoted but highly memorable in this episode is of course Mulders photo in his wallet ;-))

(please forgive me as the quote may not be absolutely correct as I had to translate it from German)

"ooh... cheeseburgers and loneliness are a dangerous mix"
*gets wheeled away in a wheelbarrow*

"yess.. these 100 tacos will provide as an adequate substanence for the 'dr. who' marathon"..

-=sees someone in a portapotty=- "*sigh.. i guess i will have to find a new fortress of solitude"

Homer: "It'll be real soon..."

------------------
Indeed, your logic is flawed.
-< Bluu >

Oooh, they have the internet on computers now...Homer

Enjoy.... ....Toucan

thats definitly one of my favorites...

I'm sorry but he just cracks me UP!

------------------
ü§îñg |³³t§þËåk Ðö˧ ñöt måkË ¥öü å Hå×0®!
I love Kari p00h! :)

I forgot about this one but it's definitely a keeper.... ....Toucan

"But not you oh holiest of gods, with the wrathfulness and the bloodrain and the hey-hey-hey, it hurts me!"

Homer: [spiking the punch] Heh heh, I'll be a campus hero.
[Another student tastes the punch and spits it out]
Student: Attention, everyone: the punch has been spiked.
[Everyone gasps]
Don't worry. Your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly!
[Everyone cheers]

Homer: Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor.
Nerd 1: Well, you've come to the right place then. If there's one thing we know, it is science.
Nerd 2: And math.
Nerd 3: And the words to every Monty Python routine.
Nerds: [in unison] We are the Knights Who Say...Ni! Ni! [laughter]
Homer: Heh heh...Ni.

Homer: We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf.

Marge: If you're going for a ride, I'd like you to take Bart and Lisa.
Homer: [plaintively] But Marge, we're college guys and we're up to no good.
Nerd 1: Mr. Simpson, Gary spilled his ear medicine.

Nerd 3: Mr. Simpson? We all have nosebleeds.

Marge: [hearing modem noises] Ooh, what's wrong with this phone? It's making crazy noises.
Nerd 2: [contemptuously] Those "crazy noises" are computer signals.
Nerd 3: Yeah. Some guys at MIT are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk.
Nerd 1: Hah! They're outta their minds.

------------------
Presented in double vision when drunk.

from Homer 3d
"This place looks expensive, i better make the most of it!" Scratches his ass and burps.

"Mmmmmm, Erotic cakes..."

------------------
Nuke em' till they glow and shoot em’ in the dark and let the computer sort em' out.
Then wait for a mutation…

Homer: Did you wreck the car?

Bart and lisa: No.

Homer: Did you raise the dead?

Bart and lisa: Yes.

Homer: But the cars OK?

Ms. Hoover: "No Ralph, just take a nap while the other kids are working"

Ralph: "Weee, Nap time, now thats where Im a viking!!!"

Yeah, Simpsons were great. I'll confess though, lately I havent been watching them much. They've lost their touch. Although, I have grown a liking to Futurama. At first I hated it because it was so... different... But now I love it. I have every episode ripped in MPEG format (Roughly 100MB per episode... Awesome quality

------------------
---
Rob Clayton
extrme2000@aol.com

I dont think it was plural.. Just plain old Max Power... he got it off the blow dryer, LOL

------------------
---
Rob Clayton
extrme2000@aol.com

------------------
Nuke em' till they glow and shoot em’ in the dark and let the computer sort em' out.
Then wait for a mutation…

Less quotey: When Itchy made the cloning machine and the conveyor belt fed right into the killing machine. Laughed my balls off.

------------------
ü§îñg |³³t§þËåk Ðö˧ ñöt måkË ¥öü å Hå×0®!
I love Kari p00h! :)

smithers : But sir! It's a model

burns [pulls gun and cocks it] : /click/ _get in_

marge: go crazy?

homer: dont mind if i do

Kids: (being noisy)
Homer: "Ok let's play the quiet game"
--(about 3 seconds of silence)--
Homer: "The quiet game sucks, let's play hungry hungry hippos"

Homer: Well in that case he should have made the weak an hour longer.... lousy god.

------------------
Presented in double vision when drunk.

Homer: I'm Krusty, I want this car for free.
Salesman: Krusty I can't give it to you, but I can let it go for cheap.
*Gun Shots*
Homer: What are these holes in the hood?
Salesman: Speed holes, they make the car go faster.
Fat Tony: I knew we should've bought more than three bullets, let's go to go to BIG5.

*Back at Simpsons' house*

*Homer is using a pitch axe to put holes in his hood*

quote:

---

Originally posted by L33T_h4x0r_d00d:
When maggie is found out to be daughter of kodos and she grows tenticles and climbs on ceiling.

Homer: In this house WE OBEY THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS. (said with a gradually increasing tone)

---

dude, those arn't even from the same episode. or did you mean for it to be that way.

------------------
When my flying days are over, and my death has come to pass
I hope they bury me upside down, so the whole damn world can kiss my ass

Homer: In this house WE OBEY THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS. (said with a gradually increasing tone)

Enjoy.... ....Toucan

"Arr..I hate the sea, and everything in it"
-Sea Captain

"Are you going to stalk Lenny and Carl?"
-Marge
"Nooo...I'm just going to...stalk...Lenny and Carl...doH!"
-Homer

"Well, my work is done here" -Leonard Nimoy
"But you didn't do anything" -Barney
"Oh, didn't I?" - LN, before beaming out

------------------
I never let my schooling get in the way of my education - Mark Twain

"Put out an APB for Uswer G. Iwo" - Chief Wiggum
"Chief, your reading that backwards." - FBI Agent

------------------
"You got so much of this fuzzy math, I'm beginning to believe not only you invented the internet, you invented the calculator too." George W. Bush to Al Gore, Presidential Debate, 2000

.:: < Paul Szoldra dot com - Slashdot on Crack > ::.

The kids are drawing pictures, Ralph is drawing something religious.

"Jesus did not have wheels, Ralph!"

------------------
Nuke em' till they glow and shoot em’ in the dark and let the computer sort em' out.
Then wait for a mutation…

"and now to help introduce our fantastic new burger, the one with ketchup, here he is krusty the clown"

------------------
son.. fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.

------------------
Presented in double vision when drunk.

Cletus: Look! Cardy-board tubes!
Brandine: Now we can have indoor plumbin' like theys got at the women's lockup!
Cletus: They spoil't you Brandine...
Sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore...

------------------
Kiss my white-hot metal butt! Wait a minute... white-hot?