------------------
10 PRINT "HOME"
20 PRINT "SWEET"
30 GOTO 10

"Mother Tomato, Father Tomato and Baby Tomato cross the street. Baby Tomato can't walk quick enough and so Father Tomato goes back and steps on him and says 'Come on, ketchup.'"

Was that the kind of "bad joke" you meant?

Btw don't flame me for quoting that joke wrongly, I saw the movie only in German. <rant> insert rant about synchronization of movies into German here </rant>

------------------
------------------------
I can imagine a world with no hate, no crime, and no violence. I could also imagine us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

------------------
10 PRINT "HOME"
20 PRINT "SWEET"
30 GOTO 10

So, there was a Bride Broom and a Groom Broom. After the festivities, the Bride Broom takes the Groom Broom aside and says, "I have to tell you this--we're gonna have a whisk broom."
"How can that be??" asked the Groom Broom. "We've never even swept together!!"

------------------
--Jynx

I used to be a kleptomanicac, but I took something for it.

A: Easy. You dig a hole in the ice, wait for him to come and look, and then you kick him in the ice hole.

BLEOTCH!

------------------
I can imagine a world with no hate, no crime, and no violence. I could also imagine us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

heh heh, i love that joke.

------------------
I may be paranoid, but not an Android.

Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way--unique up on him.

Joe's a bus driver for the Port Authority Transit. His first day on the job is driving a bus decorated with Sesame Street stuff on the outside. (Some buses have other large images along the sides and screened over the windows.)

First stop on the route, two very large women get on the bus.

"I'm Patricia," says the first.

"My name is Pat," says the second.

Joe introduces himself and continues along the route. At the next stop, a guy dressed in what can only be described as a pimp outfit gets on.

"My name is Ross, but you can call me Special Ross, " he says.

Then another man steps on the bus wearing a huge pair of headphones playing loud music. He's practically dancing up the bus steps. When he pays his fare, he introduces himself as Lester G.

Further along the route, Joe looks into the rear-view mirror to see how his passengers are doing. He is rather shocked to see that Lester G is picking a rather large bunion on his foot.

When Joe gets back to the garage, one of his buddies asks how his day went. Joe says, "I had the Big Mac run today."

"The Big Mac run? What do you mean?."

"You know, two obese Patties, Special Ross, and Lester G picking bunions on the Sesame Street bus!"

:ducks flying fruit:

------------------
When 1337 hax0rs start impaling each other with swords and typing code with a hook on one hand, then they can modify the term "pirate."

------------------
I may be paranoid, but not an Android.

------------------
10 PRINT "HOME"
20 PRINT "SWEET"
30 GOTO 10

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rhydant:
im starting NOT to like this Beldurin fellow.... hrm....
/me throws a brick at Beldurin

---

If it makes you feel any better, I don't really like myself...and I've held that opinion for years.

------------------
I can imagine a world with no hate, no crime, and no violence. I could also imagine us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

------------------
I may be paranoid, but not an Android.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rhydant:
#include /usr/local/he_probobly_doesnt_know_what_hes_doing_with_this_line_dumbass

---

cute...

addendum: Maybe I should grow up and stop responding to this petty shit...

------------------
I can imagine a world with no hate, no crime, and no violence. I could also imagine us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

This message has been edited by Beldurin on August 09, 2001 at 03:52 PM

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

Men's English

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice tits!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it... We'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Okay, I said it... We'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
(While shopping): I like that one better = Pick any bloody dress and let's go home 'cause the game's on.

------------------
< http://www.geocities.com/Seady1117 > <--- ME

------------------
< http://www.geocities.com/Seady1117 > <--- ME

------------------
< http://www.geocities.com/Seady1117 > <--- ME

------------------
I may be paranoid, but not an Android.

*whoooooosh*

Ok, flame's out, back OT:

Two twins are separated at birth, one's name is Amal, the other is Juan. When Juan turns 18, his mother gets very sad and starts out looking for his brother. Seeing her folly, the father says, in his infinite wisdom, "They're twins. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off." Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

This one's for that guy (who's name escapes me, he had the sig similar to this punch line)... It's a modified pun that I found. Enjoy.
------
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small private forum to raise some money. Since everyone liked to visit the forum of the men of God, a rival forum on another domain thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival forum gh0d hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug on the net to "persuade" them to close. Hugh flamed the friars and trashed their forum, saying he'd be back if they didn't get /.'ed. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent forum friars.

This message has been edited by miNus on August 09, 2001 at 05:11 PM

------------------
I can imagine a world with no hate, no crime, and no violence. I could also imagine us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

Linux Source Code: Ũ
Apache: Ũ
MySQL: Ũ
PHP: Ũ
GPL: Ũ

Starting a revolution:
Priceless.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

Because they're ugly and they smell.

Because they think we care.

*dives for cover*

------------------
I can imagine a world with no hate, no crime, and no violence. I could also imagine us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

The bartender goes "Hey, they named a drink after you!"

The grasshopper goes "Really? There's a dirnk named Stan?"

<dives for cover>

A priest, a rabbi, a polack, and an indian walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Also, a horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

------------------
I can imagine a world with no hate, no crime, and no violence. I could also imagine us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

"I'm looking for the guy that shot my pa (paw)."

------------------
When 1337 hax0rs start impaling each other with swords and typing code with a hook on one hand, then they can modify the term "pirate."

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

------------------
Behind every good computer -- is a jumble of wires 'n stuff.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

------------------
< http://www.geocities.com/Seady1117 > <--- ME

------------------

quote:

---

Violence isn't the problem... it's the solution.

---

< Where's your self re-cocking-spect >

------------------

quote:

---

Violence isn't the problem... it's the solution.

---

< Where's your self re-cocking-spect >

Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza? One doens't scream when it goes into the oven.

(and nobody gets to get offended, cuz i'm a jew myself)

This message has been edited by psychopharmacologist on August 18, 2001 at 05:54 PM

A: A Nun with a spear through her head.

------------------
When my flying days are over, and my death has come to pass
I hope they bury me upside down, so the whole damn world can kiss my ass

what is black white and red all over, and can't go round corners in corridors?

a nun with a javelin through her neck.

</pun nazi>

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender how much it is and the bartender replies, "No charge."

insert groans here...heh

------------------

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dark-Angel99:
How come {name removed} doesn't like you? I find you really funny :D

---

Never argue with and idiot...he may be doing the same thing

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".
I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went
to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I
would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked
like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine
years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to
have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was
over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world
revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life
and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy
having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of
the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we
checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my
wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a
place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the
dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should
have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have
Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me
after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A
cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in
the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --

My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with
that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my
first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the
trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it
has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor
said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best
friend, so get yourself a dog.

quote:

---

Originally posted by YouGunnaStopMe?:
A Dog Called Sex

---

I heard a similar one about naming your dog MyPenis. As in: "I taught MyPenis to do tricks." or "MyPenis is always slobbering all over my guests" etc...

------------------

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dark-Angel99:
How come {name removed} doesn't like you? I find you really funny :D

---

Never argue with and idiot...he may be doing the same thing

That shows you how strange life is for racehorses. You win the race; you wind up on the front of the stamp.

Lose a race, you wind up on the back.

Seen today at < JokeADay.com >

------------------
When 1337 hax0rs start impaling each other with swords and typing code with a hook on one hand, then they can modify the term "pirate."

This message has been edited by damien_s_lucifer on August 16, 2001 at 11:28 PM

quote:

---

Originally posted by damien_s_lucifer:
There are lots of jokes here, but most of 'em aren't punny.

---

Alright, how about the age old one...
A guy walks into a bar...OUCH!

/me ducks for cover. So many bricks!

I'm sorry. I had to...

------------------
If I want your oppinion, I'll rattle my zipper.

------------------

quote:

---

Originally posted by RenegadeSnark:
If you have a problem with the average IQ around here, don't do things to lower it.

---

This message has been edited by TheTaxMan on August 17, 2001 at 01:40 PM

A trombonist walks past a bar. Muhahahahaha!

(For all non-musicians: a trombone player would never walk past a bar, he'd only walk straight in!)

A woman and her 7 y.o. daughter are walking in a park. On a bench, they see two teenagers fucking like beast. The little girl is intrigued by the show before her eyes:

- Mommy, what are they doing?

The mother, ambarassed and not wanting to tell her daughter about birds and bees, responds:

- Well darling, they are... uhh.... making muffins.

They continue to walk, the mother trying to hide her daughter from sex scene. After two blocks, the daughter asks:

- Mommy, you and daddy were you making muffins last night in the livingroom ?

"Why darling? ", answers her mother, turning red as beet.

- Well, i liked off the creaming from the couch this morning.

------------------
#define QUESTION (2b)| |!(2b)

What's the best part about dead babies? When you throw them, they bounce.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall red? One if you throw it hard enough.

How do you get 10 000 dead babies in a phone booth? Use a blender.
How do you get them out? Tostitos!!

I'll give you more later if you are actually enjoying these...

------------------
If I want your oppinion, I'll rattle my zipper.

You can unload one of them with a pitch fork.

Just had to throw that one out.

------------------
10 PRINT "HOME"
20 PRINT "SWEET"
30 GOTO 10

1 baby in 10 bins

/me is going to hell

phil: i dont know, are you sure?

bill: im positive.

A baby in a microwave.

Whats small and blue and sits in the corner?

A baby in a trash bag.

Whats small and green and sits in the corner?

The same baby 2 weeks later.

------------------
x303tm3b3xptxvmmtx cccmtpmmc2reutplfh 4opp1n13qresnzcvxm

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, insomniac philosopher? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

------------------

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dark-Angel99:
How come {name removed} doesn't like you? I find you really funny :D

---

Never argue with and idiot...he may be doing the same thing

"Where's my tractor?"

Why do babies have soft spots on their heads?

So they can be carried in 5-packs.

it depends which slice you throw!

how do yo umake a dead baby float?

2 scoops of dead baby

whats more fun than nailing a dead baby to a telephone poll?

ripping it off

/me is struck down by god

This message has been edited by Wh4ck3r on August 23, 2001 at 07:29 PM

30 dead babies on fire

Whats sicker then fucking a baby?

Fucking a dead baby.

It's:

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of ice cream, a little root beer, and a dead baby.

He bangs on the bar with his paws and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear becomes angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings!"

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer,
I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar!"

The bartender says,
"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as he promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender says,
"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings
who are on drugs!"

The bear says, "I ain't on drugs!"

The bartender says, "Yep. You are now. That was a barbitchuate!!!!!!!"

------------------
Behind every good computer -- is a jumble of wires'n stuff.

------------------
I'm not living, I'm just killing time.

Because it was dead.

------------------
damage@detonate.net

"On a long enough timeline the survival rate for anyone drops to zero."
-Narrator 'Fight Club.'

As they pass by a bar, the first man says "Hey, let's go get a drink."

"Nah, they'll never let us in with our dogs," replies the second.

"Watch me and follow my lead," says the first. He walks inside, and sure enough the bartender yells "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

"But sir," says the first man, "that's my Seeing Eye Dog."

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the bartender, looking at the German Shepherd. "Here, have a drink on the house."

Seeing this, the second man wanders into the bar. "Hey, get lost!" shouts the bartender. "No dogs allowed!"

"But sir," says the second man, "this is my Seeing Eye Dog."

The bartender looks at the scrawny Pekingese. "That Pekingese is your seeing eye dog?"

"What?" shouts the second man. "They gave me a Pekingese?"

(dives for cover)

Confucius say, baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk

Confucius say, foolish man give wife grand piano. wise man give wife upright organ

Confucius say, man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants

Confucius say, boy who go to sleep with stiff problem, wake up with solution in hand

heheheh

------------------
~Anztac [ I'm just this guy, you know? ]

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Man with erection who go through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

It is good for boy to meet girl in park, but it is better for boy to park meat in girl.

A girl may not be able to get her virginity back, but at least she have the box it came in.

------------------
When 1337 hax0rs start impaling each other with swords and typing code with a hook on one hand, then they can modify the term "pirate."

------------------
I'm not living, I'm just killing time.

Whats the definition of 'perfect pitch'?
Being abe to throw a viola in the toilet without touching the sides.

Whats the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off the jump on a viola.

How do you get a violist to play pianissimo tremalando?
Mark the passage 'Solo'

------------------
spdfgh

The first person he called was an engineer. He brought he drafting board and drew up some plans. He said that it was all due to their environment. The coop was in the wrong place, there was the wrong type of dirt, the fences where all in the wrong place.

The farmer said "What a bunch of toss". So he kicked him out and called in a microbiolgist. She brough half a laboratoy with her. She set up a big white tent in the middle of the chook run and took some soil samples and chook samples and ran them in her sequencer. She looked for trace elements, and for good measure, she took some samples from the farmer and his wife.

The farmer took an afront at this and booted her out on her arse.

Finally, he called in a physicist (well, he was at the end of his tether). This physicist just sat out the front of the chook yard and proceeded to solve a shitload of equations. He just sat there and went through reems of paper, trying to figure out what was wrong with this farmers chooks. Finally, he jumped up and ran to the farmer. "I've found out how to fix your chooks!! Theres just one problem though. It only works if you assume the chooks are spherical and in a vacuum."

------------------
spdfgh

This message has been edited by masher on September 03, 2001 at 04:41 AM

There was this guy, whose favourite pastime was going to the pub. Unfortunately, he didn't like having to walk home afterwards. Inevitably he was drunk, and ended up lost, or in the gutter, or in a police cell. One night after staggering home, he turned on the TV and saw an ad for Intelligent Shoes. These shoes (so it claimed) could do lots of things. One of these was to walk you home after a night out around the bars. When you were too drunk to know where you were, these shoes would just walk you home. This fellow though that these shoes would be really good for him; No more worrying about where he was going to wake up. He ordered some and they worked perfectly.

The problems started about a month after he got them. These shoes, being intelligent, grew bored of walking from his home to the pub and back again everyday. This manifested itself one morning when the man woke up on the Indian Pacific. The shoes wanted to see Australia, so they had walked him on the train so they could see Adelaide and Sydney, and then go onto Melbourne. This made the man quite upset. He only wanted to go home, not to Melbourne or anywhere else. When he got home, he put his shoes away in the cupboard and started to walk himself home from the pub and take his chances with the gutters and police cells.

Now, these shoes, being intelligent, didn't like being locked up. So, one night (morning) when he got home, these shoes kicked down the cupboard door and took off his shoes and put themselves on him. When the guy woke up, he was on another train. This time it was the Australind. If they couldn't see Adelaide, Sydney and Melbourne, the shoes wanted to see Bunbury and Australia's southwest. This time when he woke up, our friend was even angrier than before. When he got home he sold the shoes to one of his mates. Now, the shoes didn't like being sold, so when they were taken out of the box at the mates place, they kicked down the front door and ran back the their original owner. When they got back, he was so incensed at their arrival that he took them outside and dumped them in the bin.

This was the last straw for the shoes. He had damaged their mind. They kicked over his bin, ran to his car, and stole it. Now, having no arms, the shoes where unable to steer the car. The car just drove straight forward and into the river that was in front of this mans house. The car sank and the shoes drowned.

The man was quite distraught over this. He was a semi-religious man, although he hadn't been to church for several years. He finally decided to go and see his priest about this; after all, he had been responsible for the death of two intelligent shoes. The priests reassured the man, saying that they had fulfilled their purpose in life, and are now in heaven with God. After all, the priest said, why shouldn't they go to heaven? All shoes have soles.

------------------
spdfgh

agh! editized for the correctification of mine grammar.

This message has been edited by chmod on September 03, 2001 at 03:06 PM

do u know why it's so hard for girls to pee in the morning?

ever tried openening a grill cheese sandwhich?

------------------
~Wine me. Dine me. 1000101 me.

quote:

---

Originally posted by DRUFER:
Did you hear aobut the guy who overdosed on Viagria? They couldn't close the coffin.

---

And there went the original plot for the Die Hard movies

quote:

---

Originally posted by aznangl:
********CAUTION**********

do u know why it's so hard for girls to pee in the morning?

ever tried openening a grill cheese sandwhich?

---

*vomits*

quote:

---

Originally posted by aznangl:
********CAUTION**********

do u know why it's so hard for girls to pee in the morning?

ever tried openening a grill cheese sandwhich?

---

------------------
Leave the kids alone -
with me!

------------------
~Anztac [ I'm just this guy, you know? ]

------------------
Leave the kids alone -
with me!

"you got a steering wheel in yur pants"

"i know, its driving me nuts"