Topic: I have 16 days left
started by: Wiley
Posted by Wiley on Apr. 24 2002,18:09
In 16 days I will be getting married. 
I know this comes as a complete surprise to those who didn't think there was a woman alive who could handle my mad sexy ways, but I found one. Let me relive the night for you.
I found her one night while in a bar that happened to be serving .25-cent beers ...of which I had many because I was maximizing a return on my investments. I still hear the fist words she ever spoke to me echoing in my ears. "Are you drunk" she asked as the smell of beer rolled off my breath. I tried to think of something witty, but I just burped. She reluctantly accepted my invitation to dance and that's when I put the Wiley charm in full effect. Just when things where getting hot between us I grabbed her ass and yelled loudly "this is what I'm talkin bout baby" because I read in Cosmo that girls like that ....or maybe it wasn't Cosmo. At any rate she excused herself to use the restroom and she must've gotten lost because I saw her outside walking towards the parking lot. I chased after her and tried to get her to go back to the club with me but she didn't want to go. I figured she got hit on by some looser between leaving me and finding the restroom ...if I ever find that guy I'm going to give him a piece of my mind for ruining my night!
She told me she had to get up early the next morning for school and that it wouldn't be a good idea if I went home with her for a night of crazy sex as I had offered. I figured she was really serious about the school thing having given up a chance to sleep with me and I must admit that was a bit of a turn-on. I asked if she went to a school with those sexy uniforms because they always make me horny. She told me that no, she just wore regular clothes to school.
About this time I asked for her phone number. She didn't have a pen on her but luckily I had the one I carry (since girls never seem to have a pen on them when you want their phone numbers). I jotted down the digits and had her recheck them for accuracy because girls sometimes get nervous when they give me their info and transpose some numbers. So then I walked her to her car and tried to give her a goodnight kiss but she pulled away ...I guess she was coming down with a cold and didn't want to give it to me, sweet huh? At any rate I gave her a hug and watched her drive away ..making sure to get her license plate number as she pulled away.Now, most guys have this lame 3 day rule bullshit but not me. I figure I want to get some tonight ..why put off the inevitable, seize the day right? So I called her 20 minutes later when I got home and guess what ...she wrote her number down wrong. I figured this was I good sign because she must've been so into me that she couldn't focus on getting her number right ..and when compared to the number I got by pulling her address off of DMV and doing a reverse-lookup through GTE's phone listing data she was way off. She got like two numbers right on the entire thing. So I called her and she sounded half asleep when she picked up. I gave her my best "Whas up babee" and all of a sudden the phone went dead! Shit, I was worried that something happened to her so I jumped in my car and drove over to her place as fast as I could. She sure was surprised to see a guy who cared about her so much and could fix her phone problem (apparently the phone line just came out of the wall). So then I stayed there all night to watch over her as she slept. And now just seven years later and three calls to < 1-800-US-SEARCH > I'm going to marry that girl
Posted by Rshias on Apr. 24 2002,20:57
How romantic.
Posted by BlackFlag on Apr. 24 2002,21:06
The nice thing about restraining orders is that they're nullified if the girl who slapped one on your contacts you (and you can prove it). Many people don't know that.
Posted by Wiley on Apr. 24 2002,21:48
That's why I used to page her from strange numbers. She'd call back and say "hello?" and I'd be like "You contacted me this time ....we're back on baby!!"
Posted by veistran on Apr. 24 2002,22:12
you are a genius!
Posted by WrineX on Apr. 24 2002,22:49
This reminds me of Something Awful| Quote |
some call it stalking, i call it love  |
GG Wiley!
i'll fuck you till you love me
Posted by Rhydant on Apr. 25 2002,04:38
just remember to answer everything that the priest asks you with a 'yes' or 'I do'. or bad things might happen.does getting drunk really help with the ladies? i need a prom date, but ill be damned if ill ever muster the balls to ask one out.
Posted by Rhydant on Apr. 25 2002,04:48
wait a minute. why did you delete your posts, editor?
Posted by editor on Apr. 25 2002,04:50
um, they blipped on the "is it stupid meter".
Posted by Uberkommando on Apr. 25 2002,05:04
| Quote (Rhydant @ 24 April 2002,22:38) |
| does getting drunk really help with the ladies? i need a prom date, but ill be damned if ill ever muster the balls to ask one out. |
Not being drink, but a little buzzed usually helps. Quiets that tiny voice I sometimes get that I call 'doubt'. Plus, it can help you dance really well, as far as you're aware. I've busted many a half-drunk groove that were caught on film and later played back in front of me.
Posted by kuru on Apr. 25 2002,13:40
Wiley you poor bastard.My condolences on the loss of the rest of your life.
Posted by editor on Apr. 25 2002,18:37
Hey Wiley, I thought your wedding was on a Sunday; Saturday is my busy day, but I think I can still make it.So, put me down for no fancy food just in case and let me know what sort of present I can buy for the guy who has everything!
I hope to restore email later today.
She's a looker, Mr Wiley!
Posted by Rhydant on Apr. 25 2002,22:40
get him porn. thats always a good present.oh wait... he wont be needing it anymore.
in that case, send porn to me.
Posted by Wiley on Apr. 26 2002,05:44
| Quote (editor @ 25 April 2002,10:37) |
| So, put me down for no fancy food just in case and let me know what sort of present I can buy for the guy who has everything! |
Dinner is Filet Minion and Lobster (I'm not joking there) that's as un-fancy as it's going to get. Cocktails are at 6 and dinner is at 7. That should give you time to get there if you can't make the Ceremony.
I don't have a ...um ...a
Yeah, I don't know ...just no glasses or silverware I got three sets from bridal showers. You got to get over here next weekend and scope out my pad ...then you can see what I'm missing.
Posted by Rhydant on Apr. 26 2002,06:49
i hear money is nice this time of year.and gift certificates to check-cashing centers are never a bad idea, either.
Posted by Beldurin on Apr. 26 2002,07:11
| Quote (Wiley @ 25 April 2002,23:44) |
| ...then you can see what I'm missing. |
too easy, Drill Sergeant
Posted by editor on Apr. 26 2002,09:24
Mr Wiley, I got 4 victims to photograph so far on Sat. but fer sher I'd be delighted to visit your love nest!(brought to you by WinXp!
(only 200$ and three hours of fiddley bits)
Posted by PersonGuy on May 06 2002,01:22
Hey! Congrats! Can I come? Where you getting married at?
Posted by Wiley on May 09 2002,16:01
| Quote (PersonGuy @ 05 May 2002,17:22) |
| Hey! Congrats! Can I come? Where you getting married at? |
Thank You, Sorry ...but no ...I fear you are a potential stalker, Crystal Cathedral (If you've ever turned on the TV on Easter then you've seen it). Damnit, I shouldn't have told you that seeing how you're a stalker and all.
Posted by BlackFlag on May 09 2002,16:40
Jesus, you're getting married at the Crystal Cathedral?! Damn, how much is that costing you?!?!?!?
Posted by Wiley on May 09 2002,17:17
| Quote (BlackFlag @ 09 May 2002,08:40) |
| Jesus, you're getting married at the Crystal Cathedral?! Damn, how much is that costing you?!?!?!? |
Please don't remind me. They get you with all the "extras".
$600 for the trumpets, $100 for the water fountain to be turned on, $100 to open the big glass doors when we kiss and other romantic things like that. Women cannot so no to these things.
There is a Sony Jumbotron in that church ...I asked how much it would be to put the game on durring the ceremony and the gf hit me. I actually want it on so people can see our faces when our back is to them.
Posted by veistran on May 09 2002,20:52
| Quote (Wiley @ 09 May 2002,11:17) | ||
Please don't remind me. They get you with all the "extras". $600 for the trumpets, $100 for the water fountain to be turned on, $100 to open the big glass doors when we kiss and other romantic things like that. Women cannot so no to these things. There is a Sony Jumbotron in that church ...I asked how much it would be to put the game on durring the ceremony and the gf hit me. I actually want it on so people can see our faces when our back is to them. |
To paraphrase ... the phrase "oh that's so cute, let's get it." is now on your list of phrases that make you want to kill something?