Topic: Subj: [FUCK] Capitalism explains in cows
started by: Dysorderia
Posted by Dysorderia on Apr. 07 2002,07:57
Subj: [FUCK] Capitalism explains in cowsDate: 4/6/02 5:18:33 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: ***@shaw.ca (***)
Sender: owner-fuck@attrition.org
Reply-to: ***@shaw.ca (***)
To: fuck@attrition.org
CAPITALISM EXPLAINED IN COWS
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of
four cows. You are surprised when the cow soon drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
WORLD IDEOLOGIES EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS
FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
PERESTROIKA
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free market".
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. You go on welfare.
PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
AMERICAN CORPORATE CAPITALISM
Both cows are bloated with toxic steroids. They are set out to graze on privatized public parks, release massive amounts of flatulence that destroys the ozone layer, die from excess ultraviolet light, and are processed into meat-like products that look great as a result of clever and unprincipled marketing strategies. When you mortgage your artificially devalued farm at high interest rates in order to buy meat, you consume the poisoned material and develop terminal illnesses because there is no health care plan to treat you. The corporate management uses your purchase price to acquire THEIR meat from cows raised "naturally" on tree-free rain forest land outside of the country where labor and resources are cheap.
Posted by CatKnight on Apr. 07 2002,08:08
pretty good
Posted by Wiley on Apr. 07 2002,19:16
| Quote (Dysorderia @ 06 April 2002,22:57) |
| CAPITALISM You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. You go on welfare. |
There's no welfare in true capitalism
Should Read:
CAPITALISM
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. You get a Capitol One Visa card with a 19% APR (along with a free sports towel) during a student fair on campus. You use said Visa to buy one cow and one bull and mate them. You sell the video tape of them mating to the Discovery channel, sell the unpasturized milk to Trader Joe's, give baby-cow rides to all the neighborhood children, sell the cow/bull dung to Home Depot as "Nature's Fertilizer", sell some of the bull seamen to Fear Factor for Challenge number Three, and shave those bitched down to stuff your new invention The Cow-Down Pillow.
And of course you never pay back the Visa card until you are out of school and the balance is about $20,000.
That my friends ...is Capitalism
I need to go take a cold shower now.
Posted by incubus on Apr. 07 2002,19:32
comedy platinum
Posted by ic0n0 on Apr. 07 2002,22:11
Posted by Rhydant on Apr. 08 2002,05:05
| Quote (Dysorderia @ 06 April 2002,14:57) |
| A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad. |
heh heh heh.... thats good.
Posted by veistran on Apr. 08 2002,05:37
completely off topic...that sig rules rhydant.