Topic: Funny Airline Announcements
started by: Wolfguard
Posted by Wolfguard on Mar. 07 2002,17:19
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendantcrew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
4 ways out of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one,
you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with more than one small child pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children... or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm
here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the
asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach,
the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat
belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane
to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a
hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except
for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind
if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is
it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door
and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should
have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH,
MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the
flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine
Posted by Spydir on Mar. 07 2002,23:37
southwest airlines sucks. They're all ugly, they make you stand in line for 2-3 hours just to get a ticket, and there's no first class.
Posted by Jynx on Mar. 08 2002,01:29
But on the bright side, I have personally heard three of the above comments from Southwest attendants. They may be ugly, but they do have a sense of humor. :pIn a related note, I was waiting on an Alaska plane for them to shut the doors and get moving. I noticed that their music station was playing, and after a moment, realized that they were playing one of Tom Petty's songs--care to guess which one?
"Learnin' to fly......."
"But I ain't got wings........"
"Comin' down........."
"Is the hardest thing........."
I just about choked.
Posted by Necromancer on Mar. 08 2002,01:42
"gravity is marvelous it gently lowers you down not letting you hurry at all and then electromagnetic repulsion spoils it all by smacking your crumpled body into a very flat pile"
Posted by veistran on Mar. 08 2002,01:49
| Quote (Spydir @ 07 Mar. 2002,17:37) |
| southwest airlines sucks. They're all ugly, they make you stand in line for 2-3 hours just to get a ticket, and there's no first class. |
apparently none of those things actually have anything to do with running a successful ariline, considering Southwest is the only major carrier to turn a profit last year.
Posted by BlackFlag on Mar. 08 2002,04:25
while on your next flight:grab the sealed in plastic, stethiscope type earphones.
plug them in.
flip to the alternative channel.
wait for "learn to fly" by the Foo Fighters to come on.
feel wierd as hell when the song causes you to think of scenes from the video.
somehting i once heard the captian say:
"Whoever is talking on their cell phone, please observe the electronics lights (the one between the no-smoking light and the buckle seatbelt light); it is on. This light keeps this plane from crashing into the ocean at 400+ mph and exploding into a fireball." few moments later...." thank you."
Posted by Spydir on Mar. 09 2002,04:47
| Quote (veistran @ 07 Mar. 2002,13:49) | ||
apparently none of those things actually have anything to do with running a successful ariline, considering Southwest is the only major carrier to turn a profit last year. |
look. when you're standing for 2 hours waiting to get your "boarding pass" next to my fat father who for godforsaken reason keeps standing closer and closer to you while everyone else moves further away (including you) you can go ahead and bitch about "earnings", ok?
Posted by veistran on Mar. 11 2002,06:11
So don't stand next to him. Honesttly though, that sounds more like a problem with your airport sucking.
Posted by Spydir on Mar. 11 2002,22:44
it was the same thing at 4 different airports.
Posted by Nikita on Mar. 12 2002,04:08
next time yell "don't touch me there, daddy!" when he inches a bit too close? 
That is creepy. Like these 2 scary guys in my dance class who always manage to end up within a 3 foot radius of me no matter how much space there is out there ... hmph
Posted by Bob_the_Cannibal on Mar. 12 2002,05:32
My sister and I were being little bastards in a Safeway one day, and my mom was a little pissed off, we see the perfect opportunity to drive her over the edge, around one other shopper, and take it...she comes up to us and then we duck and say at the same, exact time: "Mommy, don't hurt us!" with no preparation or discussion beforehand... this lady looks up, and we were literally ROTFL. the shopper started too, and then my mom did, being the butt of the joke... it was rich...