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BlackFlag 
Objections noted; Notes discarded.
Group: Members
Posts: 637
Joined: Jan. 2002
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Posted on: Feb. 13 2002,18:21 |
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Tomorrow, Valentine's Day, is the 3rd most depressing day of the year in the laugh till you drop tragedy that is my existance. (its behind Christmass and my birthday, but not by much.)
It has been about 2 1/2 years since my last relationship, and longer still (by a few days) since the last time i've gotten laid.
As distrubed as I should be by this, I'm sort of not.....
At first, I started to question my sexuality. I started to wonder if i was really heterosexual. 0.0012 seconds of looking a gay internet pr0n, and 2 hours of nauseated chain-smoking later, I came to the conclusion that I'm not gay.
So what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am i not embarising myself at local bars, or wasting money on hookers and strippers? Why am i not drooling all over female friends (and friends of friends)? Why am i not doing everything possible to find a socket for my plug?
Lubriderm and access to free internet porn.
I've come to the conclusion that i'm neither heterosexual nor homosexual; i'm asexual. 
Abandoning all hope isn't quite as bad as it sounds.
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[img]http://members.bellatlantic.net/~vze327zx/pissed.gif[/img]
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Rshias
The Insomniac
Group: Members
Posts: 198
Joined: Jan. 2001
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Posted on: Feb. 13 2002,18:28 |
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Just ignore it. Apathy solves everything.
There's no reason to get down on yourself on V-day. You don't have anyone to share it with. There's no shame in that. More than likely, over 90% of us who post on these boards probably fall into the same situation as yourself. It's part of life. You take the good with the bad. In time, you'll meet someone you can love, and if you're lucky, she'll return the feelings.
Cheer up. Look at your wallet and know it's that much fatter simply for the sake of being single. Enjoy the silence of phone calls from the lusers asking for help. Then, after you've started to feel a little better, go to the city throw bread-ties at some poor smuck that's trying to impress his girlfriend. In the end, you'll feel better about yourself.
Edited by Rshias on Jan. 01 1970,01:00
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Sleep is for the weak.
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ic0n0
I have become Death, Destroyer of Worlds
Group: Members
Posts: 1352
Joined: Sep. 2000
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Posted on: Feb. 13 2002,18:45 |
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What about waxing the bishop, does that count?
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"I don't have the evidence to prove that God doesn't exist, but I so strongly suspect he doesn't that I don't want to waste my time." (Isaac Asimov)
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Nikita
Princess of Darkness Spy. Assassin. Seductress.
Group: Members
Posts: 937
Joined: Apr. 2001
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Posted on: Feb. 13 2002,19:08 |
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hey, what's that thing asexually budding off your shoulder ... it looks like ... a mini version of you!
Hrm, relationships come and go (yea yea stfu  )
I was single for 2 goddamn years. It did a number on my ego.
Maybe you've entered a new plane of existence - maturity?
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Mad scientist, sexy engineer
Who's yo Mommy?
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| Post Number: 5
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Wolfguard
Flyswatter of the Apocalypse
Group: Members
Posts: 1696
Joined: May 2000
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Posted on: Feb. 13 2002,21:39 |
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| Quote (Nikita @ 13 Feb. 2002,14:08) | | hey, what's that thing asexually budding off your shoulder ... it looks like ... a mini version of you! |
Christ! not again. Ill get the flame thrower and get it before it gets into the air ducts again...
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Fucknuggets flamed while you wait.
[url=http://www.teamwolfguard.com]TeamWolfguard.com[/url]
"screw the fireball spells...i got a case of WP grenades and a case of teddy bears!"
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liquid metal
i make this look good
Group: Members
Posts: 263
Joined: Jan. 2002
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Posted on: Feb. 13 2002,21:47 |
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| Quote (BlackFlag @ 13 Feb. 2002,13:21) | As distrubed as I should be by this, I'm sort of not.....
At first, I started to question my sexuality. I started to wonder if i was really heterosexual. 0.0012 seconds of looking a gay internet pr0n, and 2 hours of nauseated chain-smoking later, I came to the conclusion that I'm not gay.
So what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am i not embarising myself at local bars, or wasting money on hookers and strippers? Why am i not drooling all over female friends (and friends of friends)? Why am i not doing everything possible to find a socket for my plug? |
everything I just quoted are things that I have done too, I was thinking I was gay too. Then I saw this girl and it sprung and I figured out I wasn't gay.
I think the problems that you just don't care anymore. I don't care anymore. Hey if I find a girl, great, but I'm not desperate about it. I'll still have a good day with or without punani. Last year was great. I had this girl. I had off from school that day. I surprised her at her school w/ a bouquet that were hand delivered by me. 
Having someone is good, but not having someone isn't the end of the world. Just think about what you're doing as long as you're having fun you'll be fine.
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hi
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Spydir
proof that humans suck (www.netsyndrome.net)
Group: Members
Posts: 1089
Joined: Apr. 2001
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Posted on: Feb. 13 2002,21:53 |
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... the longest offical relationship I've had (meaing both of us respected each other as either boyfriend or girlfriend) was a week and half. it could have been 3+ months, but I was so afraid to ask her out for so long that she had to get one of my friends to threaten me just to do it. She was hot as hell though, so I guess it equals out a little...
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Net Syndrome - www.netsyndrome.net
Catch The Sickness
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CatKnight
Jedi Republican
Group: Members
Posts: 3807
Joined: Dec. 2000
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Posted on: Feb. 14 2002,00:43 |
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| Quote (ic0n0 @ 13 Feb. 2002,05:45) | | What about waxing the bishop, does that count? |
punishing the one-eyed cleric?
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[url=http://www.personal.psu.edu/users/d/b/dbl125/dfa.jpg]If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful that you can possibly imagine.[/url]
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editor
forum whore
Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: Jan. 2002
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Posted on: Feb. 14 2002,03:50 |
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I would love to know where
"Spank the monkey"
came from!
Mine don't look like a monkey, and I never spank it. That would hurt!
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| Post Number: 10
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ic0n0
I have become Death, Destroyer of Worlds
Group: Members
Posts: 1352
Joined: Sep. 2000
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Posted on: Feb. 14 2002,03:56 |
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A big date with Rosy Palms
A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
Adjusting the antenna
Adjusting your set
Answering the Bone-A-Phone
Applying the hand brake
Arguing with Henry Longfellow
Arm-wrestling the purple-headed stormtrooper
Asking for a second opinion (your second head)
Assault on a friendly weapon
Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
Attending to the throb knob needs
Auditioning the hand puppet
Backstroke roulette
Badgering the witness
Baiting your hook
Ball slappin' fun
Bangin' your bacon
Banging one out
Banging the Cyclops
Bashing the Bishop
Bashing the candle
Bashing the pear
Basting the ham
Batting practice
Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
Beatin' Bobby
Beating Bob and the twins
Beating Jack
Beating off
Beating the bait
Beating the balloon
Beating the balogna
Beating the beagle
Beating the bed flute
Beating the Bishop
Beating the dummy
Beating the fuck out of your best friend
Beating the goat
Beating the old man
Beating the pud
Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
Beating the snake
Beating the snot outta Rotney
Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
Beating the stick
Beating your meat
Beef-stroke-it-off
Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
Being rough with the sex stick
Being your own best friend
Belaboring the obvious
Biffing off
Bleeding the weed
Blowing your load
Blowing your own horn
Bludgeoning the beefsteak
Blue-ball buster
Blueball baseball
Bobbing your boloney
Bonging your shlong
Booting up the hard drive
Boppin' your bologna
Bopping Richard
Bopping the baloney
Bopping the bishop
Bopping the Bonzo
Bouncing the bunny
Boxing Oscar
Boxing Oscar in the closet
Boxing the bald champ
Boxing the clown
Boxing the Jesuit
Boxing the Jesuit and getting cockroaches
Boxing the one-eyed clown
Boxing the trouser mouse
Boxing with Richard
Breaking the fish tank
Buckin' it
Buffin' the bishop
Buffing my wand
Buffing the banana
Buffing the rifle
Buffing the wood
Buffing your nuts
Buggering your hand
Bunning your hot dog
Burning off a few calories
Burping the baby
Burping the worm
Busting a nut
Buttering your corn
Calling all cum
Calling down for more Mayo
Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
Caning the vandal
Caping the crusader
Capturing the bishop
Carrying weight
Casting off
Changing your oil
Charming the cobra
Charming the one-eyed trouser snake
Charming the snake
Cheap date
Cheating on your other hand
Checking for testicular cancer
Checking the plumbing
Cheesing off
Chilling the dill
Choking Charlie 'till he throws up
Choking Kojak
Choking the bald guy until he pukes
Choking the chicken
Choking the hog
Choking the pirate
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
Choking your chicken
Choking yourself into emission
Chopping down
Chucking one in the sink
Chucking the yogurt
Churning your butter
Civil War
Clamping the pipe
Cleaning out your rope
Cleaning the pipes
Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
Cleaning your rifle
Clearing the snorkel
Climbin' the tree
Climbing Mount Baldy
Climbing Mt. Barbell (for guys with pierced dicks)
Climbing the corporate ladder
Clobbering the bad guy
Clobbering the Kleenex
Closet Frisbee
Clubbing Eddy
Clubbing the baby seal
Clubbing the clam
Clubbing the dummy
Coating Prince William Sound with love oil
Cocking the rifle
Collecting a specimen
Coming into your own
Coming to grips with the situation
Coming to grips with yourself
Committing mass spermicide
Cooking the cream of cock
Cooking with Wong
Corralling the tadpoles
Couch hockey for one
Cracking one off
Cracking the fat
Crank yanking
Cranking
Cranking for cum
Cranking one off
Cranking the love pump
Cranking the monkey
Cranking the shank
Crimping the wire
Crowning the king
Cuddlin' the Kielbasa
Cuffing the carrot
Cuffing the dummy
Cuffing the puppy
Custer's Last Stand
Dancing round the maypole
Dancing the two-fisted tango
Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye
Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
Dating Mother Palm and her five daughters
Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Debugging the hard drive
Decongesting the weasel
Devil's Handshake (Catholic School)
Dick whacking
Diddle whacking
Diddling
Digging for change
Digitally oscillating one's penis
Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
Disciplining the primate
Disseminating
Do the Dew
Dogger Bank
Doin' a loner with your boner
Doin' the solitary rhumba
Doing a hand job
Doing an impression of Goofy
Doing battle with the Purple-Helmeted Warrior of Love
Doing handiwork
Doing it your way
Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
Doing the hand jive
Doing the hand-cooter
Doing the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT
Doing the janitor thing
Doing the knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
Doing the plotkin
Doing the pork sword jiggle
Doing the sin of Onan
Doing the White Knuckler
Doing your own thing
Doodling your noodle
Downing at the club (for members only)
Downing the pitcher
Draining the dragon
Draining the lizard
Draining the main vein
Draining the monster
Draining the one-eyed monster
Draining the poisons from the building
Draining the vats
Draining the vein
Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
Driving the skin bus
Droppin' a wad of hot wax
Dropping a line
Dropping stomach pancakes
Dropping the kids off at the pool
Dry humping the ottoman
Duking the Bishop
Dundering the devil-dolphin
Electing the president
Emptying your sex pistol
Engaging in safe sex
Erupting Ol' Faithful
Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
Evicting the testicular squatters
Falling in love with your right hand
Faxing Jimmy Dean
Faxing the Pope
Feeding the chooks
Feeding the ducks
Fetching milk
Filling Charlie's magic sock
Finding yourself
Firing the flesh musket
Firing the love rifle
Firing the presidential staff
Firing the Surgeon General
Firming your worm
Fishing for the two-toned trouser trout
Fishing for zipper trout
Fist fucking
Fisting your mister
Five against one
Five knuckle Olympics
Five on one
Five-Digit Shuffle
Five-finger discount
Five-finger solo
Five-knuckle chuckle
Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
Fixing the toilet
Flapping Takkie (South African)
Flaying the Emperor
Flick on over the thumb
Flicking the bic
Flipping the Bishop
Floggin' the log
Flogging the Bishop
Flogging the dog
Flogging the dolphin
Flogging the dong
Flogging the frog
Flogging the General
Flogging the hog
Flogging the log
Flogging the mule
Flogging the salami
Flogging your dong
Flogging your dumber brother
Flogging your log
Flogging your stob
Fluffing the pillow
Flute solo
Fly fishing
Flying a kite
Fondling the fig
Fondling the fisherman
Fondling the fountain
Fooling with your tool
Foreplay with Fistina
Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
Freeing the hostages
Freeing the Willies
Freeing Willy
Freeing your dick fish into the gene pool
Frigging the love muscle (British)
Friggit
Frosting the pastries
Fucking a pillow
Fucking Mrs. Fist, the five-fingered widow
Fun with friction
Galloping the antelope
Galloping the old lizard
Ganging the plank
Ganking
Getting' your oil checked
Gettin' jizzy with it
Getting a date with Slick Mittens
Getting a grip on things
Getting a load off my mind
Getting a milk mustache
Getting a stiffy
Getting busy
Getting chafed
Getting in touch with your manhood
Getting in touch with yourself
Getting off
Getting tennis elbow
Getting the dirty water off your chest
Getting the German soldier marching
Getting the glue stick
Getting to know Miss Michigan
Getting to know yourself
Getting to know yourself personally in the "biblical sense"
Getting your caps peeled
Getting your exercise
Getting your palm read by Mister Softee
Getting your palm red
Getting your pole varnished
Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
Giving it a good once over
Giving it a tug
Giving Ms. Palm and and her five sisters a ride on the meat train
Giving the John Hancock
Giving the pink Mustang a lube job
Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
Giving the seamen shore leave
Giving your employee a raise
Giving yourself a dishonorable discharge
Giving yourself a hand
Giving yourself a happy ending
Giving yourself a helping hand
Giving yourself a low five
Glazing the donut
Gluing the lady's eye's shut
Going a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
Going blind
Going for the gold
Going into battle with the purple-helmeted warrior
Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Going on a date with Rosey Palm and the five daughters
Going on Peewee's little adventure
Going steady with my bouncing Betty
Going the blow
Going to the basement
Grappling the gorilla
Greasin' up my love monkey
Greasing the axle
Greasing the flagpole
Greasing the monkey
Greasing the pipe
Greasing your bone
Gripping the pencil
Hacking the hog
Han Solo
Hand job
Hand Shandy
Hand Solo
Hand-starting the one-eyed yogurt thrower
Hand work
Hand-to-gland combat
Handling heavy equipment
Handling the hound
Hands-on training
Handy work
Hanging out with Peter Tork
Hanging the old man
Hard labor
Harping on Happy Harry Hard-on
Hatchin' a batch
Having a ball
Having a Barclays Bank
Having a bat
Having a chuff
Having a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
Having a date with Fisty Palmer
Having a date with Mrs. Thumb and her 4 daughters
Having a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Having a ham shank
Having a J. Arthur (British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it's rhyming slang)
Having a one-night-stand with yourself
Having a play date with your little friend
Having a puppet show in your pants
Having a Roy (Australian)
Having a Sherman (British)
Having a staff meeting
Having a tommy tank
Having a tug
Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
Having dinner
Having group sex with five friends
Having it off
Having one off the wrist
Having sex with someone you love
Heaving the heathen handhold
Helping Mr. Happy
Hitchhiking to heaven
Hitchhiking under the Big Top
Hitching to heaven
Hitting the ham
Hitting the sack
Hitting the speedbump
Hoisting the flag
Holding all the cards
Holding my own
Holding the sausage hostage
Honing the cone
Honing your bone
Honking the bobo
Huffing on the hoagie
Hugging the hog
Hugging the sausage
Humpin' air
Humping your fist
Humping your hose
In the hand
Irking the dude
Ironing some wrinkles
J. Arthur Rank (British rhyming slang - wank)
Jack hammering
Jackin'
Jackin' the Beanstalk
Jackin' your meat
Jacking off
Jacking up the hot rod
Jag off
Jammin' your jimmy
Jazzing yourself
Jelly roll
Jenny Mccarthy Jaunt
Jerkin' the gherkin
Jerkin' the joystick
Jerkin' your beef
Jerking Jamby
Jerking off
Jerking the Johnson
Jerking the turkey
Jerking yanking daisy-chaining
Jiggling the jewelry
Jiggling your Johnson
Jimmying your Joey
Jizzlobbing
Jogging the lizard
Joining the Navy
Joshing it
Juice the Moose
Juicing the jizz monster
Jumping the jock
Just combing my hair
Just jerkin' it
Keeping the Optometrists in business
Kicking seamen
Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to "call your parents"
Killing it
Killing the Beast
Killing the bird on punches
Kneading my knockwurst
Kneeding the bread
Knockin' over the weeble
Knocking one off
Knocking the top off
Knuckle nobbing
Knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
Knuckle Shuffle on your Piss Pump
Knuckling the bone
Launching the hand shuttle
Launching the morning missile
Launching the rocket
Laying the smack down on yourself
Leakin' the main drain
Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
Lighting the lava lamp
Living it up
Looking for ticks
Loping the mule
Love's labors lost
Loving the lizard
Loving the muppet
Lubing the tube
Make like Hans Solo and stroke your wookie
Makin' moonshine
Making a fist sandwich
Making a foreskin cone
Making a knuckle hot dog
Making free hand lotion
Making friends with Big Ed
Making instant pudding
Making nut butter
Making soup for one
Making special sauce with frank and beans
Making the bald guy puke
Making the Cyclops cry
Making the cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
Making the llama spit
Making the piggy squeal
Making the scene with the magazine
Making vanilla jism shakes
Making with the tadpoles
Making yogurt
Making yourself at home
Mangling the midget
Manhandling the manhood
Manhandling your man-handle
Manipulating the mango
Manning the cockpit
Manual labor
Manual override
Masonic secret self handshake
Massaging Mr. Ho-Ho
Massaging the mink
Massaging your muscle
Massaging your purple-headed warrior
Master bacon
Measuring for condoms
Medical wankorama
Medieval folk dancing
Meeting Mary Palm and her five sisters
Meeting Rosie Hancock
Meeting with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
Meeting with Palmala Handerson
Meeting your kids
Milking one's self
Milking the bull
Milking the cow
Milking the lizard
Milking the monkey
Milking the moose
Milking the mule
Milking the muscle
Milking the weasel
Milking your wood
Milkywaying
Million sperm march
Minding my own business
Moisturizing your hands with your beauty bar
Molesting the mole
Moulding hot plastic
Mounting a corporal and four
Much goo about nothing
My sex life!
Nerking your throbber
Oiling the baseball bat
Oiling the glove
Oiling the mighty dick hinge
Oiling the pogo stick
Onan's Olympics
Onanism
One gun salute
One hand clapping
One handed shim sham
One man show
One off the wrist
One stop shopping
One-armed skiing
One-handed workout
One-man orgy
One-man ring toss
One-man show
One-man tug-o-war
Opening up a bottle of Squirt
Organ solo
Packing your palm
Paddling the pickle
Painting the ceiling
Painting the pickle
Painting the walls
Painting your pants
Palming the calm
Pam Anderson Polka
Pasting pages
Pat the Robertson
Pattin' the puppy
Pedal and crank
Pee Wee pleaser
Peeing children
Peeling some chilis
Peeling the banana
Peeling the carrot
Performing a self-test
Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
Perling the oyster
Petting the lizard
Petting the puppy
Petting the python
Petting your animal
Petting your dog
Phoning the czar
Pipping the pumpkin
Playin' the bone-a-thon
Playin' with hardballs
Playin' with yourself
Playing a little five-on-one
Playing a one-stringed guitar
Playing Billy Squier on the skin flute
Playing five card draw with a handful of jacks
Playing five card stud
Playing in a one-man show
Playing miniature golf
Playing paintball with white paint
Playing Peek-A-Boo with Mr. Johnson
Playing peekaboo
Playing peekaboo with Darth Vader
Playing ping pong with your ding dong
Playing pocket pinball
Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
Playing pocket pool
Playing tag with the pink torpedo
Playing the crotch trombone
Playing the flesh flute
Playing the male organ
Playing the one-handed air guitar
Playing the one-stringed melody
Playing the organ
Playing the piss pipe
Playing the pisser
Playing the skin flute
Playing the solo symphony
Playing the stand-up organ
Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
Playing tug-o-war with the staked vampire 'til he flames up
Playing Uno
Playing with dick
Playing with my little brother Peter
Playing with Susi Palmer and her five friends
Playing with the pogo stick
Playing with the snake
Playing with the spitting llama
Playing with Yoosef
Playing with your bird
Playing with your noodle
Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys?)
Playing with yourself
Playing Yahtzee
Playing your instrument
Pleasing your pisser
Pleasure pumping
Plunking your twanger
Poaching the salmon
Pocket billiards
Pocket pinball
Pocket pool
Poking palm
Pole vaulting
Polishing Percy in your palm
Polishing the bayonet
Polishing the beak
Polishing the cane
Polishing the chrome dome
Polishing the family jewels
Polishing the fire pole
Polishing the helmet
Polishing the hot rod
Polishing the knob
Polishing the Lighthouse
Polishing the pink Mustang
Polishing the Pope
Polishing the purple people pleaser
Polishing the rocket
Polishing the rocking horse
Polishing the rod
Polishing the sword
Polishing your bayonet
Polishing your helmet
Polishing your piece
Popping a nut
Popping the blister
Popping the bone
Popping the cork
Popping the porpoise
Popping the purple pimple
Popping your top
Pounding off
Pounding the bald-headed moose
Pounding the pud
Pounding your flounder
Pounding your piss pump
Pounding your pud
Pouring off the potatoes
Practicing for the big game
Praising God
Preparing the carrot
Priming the pump
Pud wrestling
Puddin'
Pudwhacking
Pullin' a few rounds
Pulling off
Pulling pud
Pulling rank
Pulling the blue-veined custard chucker
Pulling the blue-veined junket pumper
Pulling the bologna pony
Pulling the carrot
Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich Manuever
Pulling the cord
Pulling the five-knuckle shuffle
Pulling the goalie
Pulling the handbrake
Pulling the piss pump
Pulling the pole
Pulling the Pope
Pulling the pork stick
Pulling the root
Pulling the rope
Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
Pulling the weed
Pulling the wire
Pulling your goalie
Pulling your love muscle
Pulling your own leg
Pulling your plonker
Pulling your power cord
Pulling your prick
Pulling your pud
Pulling your taffy
Pulling your wire
Pummeling the priest
Pumpin' the poodle
Pumping cream
Pumping for pleasure
Pumping for power
Pumping gas at the self-service island
Pumping iron
Pumping the electric goo gun
Pumping the porpoise
Pumping the python
Pumping the soft soap dispenser
Pumping the stump
Punchin' the clown
Punchin' the midget
Punchin' the munchkin
Punching the clown
Punching the munchkin
Punching the possum
Punching the stepson
Punching yourself in the crotch
Punishing Percy
Punishing Percy with the palm
Punishing the Bishop
Punishing the Pope
Puttin' the tie on
Qualifying in the testicular time trial
Raising Stonehenge
Raising the flag pole
Raising the mainsail
Raising your sail
Ramming the ham
Rapid delivery
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Raping your hand
Reading poetry
Releasing the Olympic Doves
Relieving tension
Reverse osmosis
Riding the Great White Knuckler
Riding the lightning
Ringing the rag
Rippin' the rocket
Rocket piloting
Rockin' the rooster
Rolling the fleshy blunt
Rolling your own
Roman helmet rhumba
Romancing the bone
Romeo and Himself
Rootin' for the Yankees
Ropin' the long horn
Roping the pony
Roping the Pope
Roughing the passer
Roughing up the suspect
Rounding up the tadpoles
Rubbing off
Rubbing one out
Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
Rubbing the magic one-eyed wonder weasel
Rubbing the pink eraser
Rubbing the rod
Rubbing the unicorn's horn
Running in single-user mode
Running off a batch by hand
Running the cheeta
Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights
Safest sex
Salting your nuts in the shell
Sanding the obelisk
Sanding wood
Saying a private prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey
Saying hello to Mr. Winkie
Scalpin' the injun
Schnauzer Shuffleboard
Scouring the tower of power
Scraping your carrot
Scraping your horn
Scratchin' the itch
Scratching the cat pole
Screwing your girlfriend Handgella
Scromping the camper
Seamen reporting for duty on the skin boat
Seasonin' your meat
Secret handshake
Seeding the carpet
Self abuse
Self catering
Self love
Self-induced penile regurgitation
Self-inflicted intercourse
Sending a boy to the Academy
Sending out the troops
Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
Sex with someone you really love
Shagging
Shakin' hands with Little Richard
Shakin' the snot off your frog
Shaking coconuts from the love tree
Shaking hands with Abe Lincoln
Shaking hands with beef
Shaking hands with Jack McNasty
Shaking hands with Johnson
Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
Shaking Hands with Mr. President
Shaking hands with Shorty
Shaking hands with the boss
Shaking hands with the general
Shaking hands with the goblin of love
Shaking hands with the Governor
Shaking hands with the midget
Shaking hands with the one-eyed trouser trout
Shaking hands with the President
Shaking hands with the unemployed
Shaking hands with your John Thomas
Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
Shaking hands with Yul Brenner
Shaking the bottle
Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
Shaking the dice
Shaking the hand of the self-employed
Shaking the sauce
Shaking the sausage
Shaking the snake
Shaking the sugar tree
Shaking the white-out pen
Shanking
Sharpening your pencil
Shavin' the carrot
Shellacking the shellaleigh
Shemping the hog
Shifting gears
Shifting to fifth gear with the pork spear
Shining the helmet
Shining the pork sword
Shining the shaft
Shining the shank
Shining your pole
Shootin' your splouge
Shooting Cupid's arrow
Shooting enemies
Shooting flies
Shooting for the moon
Shooting for the stars
Shooting putty at the moon
Shooting Sherman
Shooting skeet (pull...shoot)
Shooting tadpoles at the moon
Shooting the pump action porridge gun
Shooting the sherbert
Shooting to score
Shooting your wad
Shuckin' Bubba
Shucking the corn
Simple infanticide
Singing with Donny Osmond
Skipping rope
Slaking the bacon
Slammin' the salami
Slamming the ham
Slamming the hammer
Slamming the salmon
Slamming the spam
Slamming the sump-pump
Slap-Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
Slappin' the purple-headed yogurt pistol
Slappin' Pappy
Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner
Slapping it
Slapping my happy sacks
Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
Slapping the carrot
Slapping the clown
Slapping the Cyclops
Slapping the donkey
Slapping the FleshGopher
Slapping the meat
Slapping the pud
Slapping the salami
Slapping your chub
Slaying the beast
Slaying the dragon
Sleeping
Slicking the stick
Slinging jelly
Slinging the jelly
Sloppy Joe's last stand
Sloppy sign language
Smackin' Isaiah
Smacking Bob around
Smacking the monkey
Smacking the oompa loompa
Smacking the salami
Smacking the weasel
Smacking the yak 'til it spits back
Smacking your sister
Smacking-off
Smoking the bratworst
Snappin' off a batch
Snapping one off
Snapping the carrot
Snapping the monkey
Snapping the radish
Snapping the rubber
Snapping the whip
Snapping your carrot
Solo flight
Solo marathon
Solo sex
Solo spurting
Soup of the day
Spackling the ceiling
Spanking Cheetah
Spanking Elvis
Spanking Frank
Spanking the bishop
Spanking the frank
Spanking the monkey
Spanking the plank
Spanking the salami
Spanking the wank
Spanking up a batch
Speaking into the microphone
Spear chucking
Spearing the Spartans
Spending some quality time with yourself
Spermin' Herman the one-eyed German
Spewing your load
Spilling my children on my belly
Spit-polishing the purple helmet
Spitting up
Splashing one out
Spluging
Spreading the mayo
Spunking
Spunking the Monk
Spurtin' Bert
Squashing the sea monkey
Squeezing the burrito
Squeezing the Charmin
Squeezing the cheese
Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
Squeezing the glue
Squeezing the juice
Squeezing the lemon
Squeezing the snake with the turtleneck sweater
Squeezing the tube of toothpaste
Squeezing the weasel
Squeezing your cheese-dog
Squirting off your load in the school bathroom
Squishing the fish
Staff meeting
Stall clapping
Starting the day off right
Stirring the batter
Stirring the soup
Stirring the yogurt
Stoking the fire
Strainin' the main vein
Strangling Kojak
Strangling the hog
Strangling the one-eyed trouser snake
Strangling the Serpent
Stress relief for a personal appendage
Stretching the limo
Stretching the turtle neck
Striking the pink match
Striking your match
Stripping the bark off your wood
Stroke 'til you spew
Strokin'
Strokin' the mule
Strokin' the sausage
Stroking it
Stroking off
Stroking the balony pony
Stroking the dog
Stroking the lizard
Stroking the mole
Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
Stroking the salami
Stroking the satin-headed serpent
Stroking the snake
Stroking the squirmin' German
Stroking the stallion
Stroking the wiener
Stroking your goat
Stroking your poker
Stroking your pud
Stroking your twinkie
Stromming the Thurmond
Strummin' my six inch
Studying for a math test
Sucker-punching the blind webster
Swickin' it
Swinging the jump rope
Swinging the light saber
Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
Swinging the royal red reproduction rod
Tagging off
Takin' the bunt sign
Taking a five minute vacation south of the border
Taking a nap
Taking a shake break
Taking Captain Picard to Warp-Speed
Taking care of business
Taking control of yourself
Taking Herman to the circus
Taking little Elvis to Graceland
Taking matters into your own hands
Taking ol' one eye through the fly
Taking ol' one eye to the Knuckle Shuffle
Taking part in population control
Taking some time off
Taking the dog for a walk
Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
Taking the monster for a one-armed ride
Taking the sperm whale for a walk
Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
Talking quietly to yourself
Talking turkey
Taming the shrew
Taming the wild hog
Tamping your tater
Tapping the turkey
Target practice
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Target practicing with white ammo
Taunting the one-eyed weasel
Teaching a one-eyed Chinaman how to dance
Teaching him a lesson
Teaching your kids to swim
Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
Teasing the python
Teasing the Viking
Teasing the weasel
Teasing the weenie
Teeing off
Tenderizing the tube steak
Tenderizing your meat
Test-firing the meat missle
Testicular tensile strength test
Testing the hand cream dispenser
Testing the testicles
Testing your batteries
That crazy hand jive
The art of Unisex
The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
The five digit disco
The five-knuckle shuffle on the old piss pipe
The five-finger hustle with Russel the one-eyed love muscle
The serta solo
The sticky page rhumba
Thrapping
Thrashing the weasel
Threading a needle
Throbbing the knob
Throwin' down
Throwing
Throwing a shower
Throwing off a batch
Throwing one
Throwing the hamster against the wall
Throwing up mayo
Throwing your hand on the bed and raping it
Thumping the pump
Thumping your pud
Thwackin' the sack
Tickle the Elmo
Ticklewigglejigglepickle
Tickling my fancy
Tickling the dragon's tail
Tickling the ivory
Tickling the one-eyed weasel
Tickling the pickle
Tickling the Polish salmon
Toilet sailing
Tonking
Torkin' the fork
Torqueing the turtle
Torturing the tentacle
Tossing off
Tossing the boss
Tossing the salad
Tossing the sauce
Tossing the snag
Tossing the spam javelin
Tossing the turkey
Tossing the white ball
Tossing yogurt
Touching the penis
Treating yourself right
Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
Trolling for trouser trout
Trouser snake CPR
Trouser trout dancing lesson
Tube sock tango
Tug of war with Cyclops
Tuggin' the timber
Tugging Mount Love
Tugging old beater
Tugging the rope
Tugging the slug
Tugging the tapioca tube
Tugging the Tossle
Tugging the turkey
Tugging your tubesteak
Tuning my horn
Tuning the antenna
Tuning your organ
Turning Japanese (UK - one step beyond wanking)
Turning on your fire hose
Tussle with your muscle
Tussling the Muscle
Twanging the wire
Tweaking your twinkie
Twisting your crank
Twisting your tool
Typing with one hand
Uncorking the bottle
Underarm javelin in the meat olympics
Unloading
Unloading the gun
Unmasking Darth Vader
Unsheathing the pork sword
Unwrapping the pepperoni
Using the Force on Darth Vader
Using the force on your meat saber
Using the ol' 1 wood
Varnishing the cane
Varnishing the flagpole
Vibrating the viper and making him spit poison
Violating the hedge-hog
Visiting Old Faithful
Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
Visiting the five-fingered widow
Wacking a lap
Wacking off
Wacking the one-eyed worm
Wacking the paddle
Wacking the weasel
Wacking the weiner
Wacking the willie
Wagging the dog
Wailing
Wakey wakey hands off snakey
Waking the dead
Waking Wee Willie Winkle
Walking the dog
Walking the plank
Walking the snake
Walking Wally the one-eyed wonder worm
Waltzing with Willy
Wank
Wank-o-rama
Wanking
Wanking off
Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel
Warming up the altar boy's dinner
Washing the elephant's trunk
Washing the meat
Washing the wolverine
Wasting your wad
Watching the geyser
Waving the Magic Wand
Waxing pedro
Waxing the beanpole
Waxing the car
Waxing the carrot
Waxing the dolphin
Waxing the flipper
Waxing the old goal post
Waxing the rocket
Waxing your Jackson
Waxing your surfboard
Waxing your weasel
Waxing your Willy
Whackin' the weasel
Whacking it
Whacking off
Whacking the axe
Whacking Willy
Whacking your tack
Whippin' the whopper
Whipping off
Whipping skippy
Whipping the balls
Whipping the bishop
Whipping the dummy
Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake
Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel
Whipping the pony
Whipping the rat
Whipping the stiff
Whipping the walrus
Whipping the window washer
Whipping the wire
Whipping up a batch
Whipping up some sour cream
Whipping Willy the one-eyed wonder-worm
Whipping your dripper
White-water wristing
Whitewashing
Whittling the stick
Whizzin' jism
Whomping the walrus
Wiggling your worm
Winding my watch
Winding the Jack in the Box
Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
Wonking your conker
Wonking your donk
Workin' out a stiff joint
Working a cramp out of your muscle
Working off
Working off a batch
Working overtime at the meat factory
Working up a batch
Working your Willy
Wrapping my hand around my cock and blowing a load all over my mother
Wrestling the alligator
Wrestling the eel
Wrestling the gator
Wrestling the one-eyed monster
Wrestling the purple-headed warrior
Wrestling with Jimmy
Wrestling with the bald champ
Wrestling with the one-eyed superhero
Wringing out your rope
Wringing the weasel
Wringing your thing
Wringing your weasel
Wrist aerobics
Yahtzee
Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
Yankin' it
Yankin' your chain
Yankin' your Franklin
Yanking off
Yanking the crank
Yanking the doodle
Yanking the yoyo
Yanking your chain
Yanking your crank
Yanking your plank
Yanking your Yoda
Yogurt slinging
Zipper Olympics
Zygote spraying
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"I don't have the evidence to prove that God doesn't exist, but I so strongly suspect he doesn't that I don't want to waste my time." (Isaac Asimov)
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