Thanks for the understanding guys-I wrote him an email. I also sent him an ecard. The night we broke up I told him I didnt want to talk to him again ( I was so upset) but the email pretty much said that if *he* wanted to persue a friendship then I would be willing. But he didnt write me back so Im thinking its a no go. 
I just keep thinking. The relationship he had before me- a girl named Sara- he was with her for seven years and it was almost completely platonic but he loved her nonetheless. He still talks to her even though he was hurt so badly after- but I think he was in the same position Im in. Maybe he said the words lets break up but she had set the tone long before that. I dont know if he and I will ever be friends. I know that there will be times when I need to talk to him, he was my best friend up here. I think I can let go of the lover part but the best friend thing is gonna be much more difficult.
I havent eaten in two days- I just cant bring myself to put food in my mouth. Last night I came home from work at 5 and went straight to bed. I woke this morning hoping there would be an email from him telling me that he would consider my offer of friendship.
I think the worst part of all of this is not knowing what hes thinking. I just remember what it was like the first time i felt this way. It was a repeat of the same thing- I wanted to be friends with my ex (who I was so in love with 10 mins apart from him killed me)so in a vain attempt to speed up the process I would go to his dorm room everyday and every night. But there was no real friendship and it took me almost a full year to figure it out and hurt me in ways I could not describe. I dont want to that again. But Im honestly dying.
I think part of him is hurting too. I dont think he really didnt want to be with me, he just didnt know what else to do. Im such a control freak. But you know what? Im not like that with my friends- I let them call the shots I let them decide when we are gonna hang out, go out etc. I just wanted to be with him, he always made me feel better. Now when I really need to feel better- who do I turn to. I learned to count on myself after the first real heartache of my life but I hated being alone. I took chances saw the world (spent 6 months in australia, went to London, went out west)and I decided to go to law school, things I never would have done or considered if he and I were still together.
People told me that it would take time to feel better about the whole thing, they were right eventually. But because I hurt so badly I never wanted to hurt like that again (so I could avoid feeling out of control)so I pushed myself into other things and never really felt anything until this guy came along and changed that.
Now after countless hours of conversation telling him that I couldnt deal with being hurt like that I again I agreed to see him. I thought that no matter what he would work things out with me because he knew about my past. But in my mind I knew that this would happen and so I tried to prepare myself for this, but no amount of preparation can shield you from this pain.
Now I feel like 5 years later my life is repeating and I hate every second of it. I cried almost every day for a year after my first love hurt me. I couldnt bring myself to go out or to do anything fun because I was in such pain that nothing seemed to dull it.
I know we've all had heartaches like this one. Pain that seems endless, hopeless. I know that we all get through it because the world doesnt stop turning just because you want it to. But the truth is I have nothing left to give any more and each time I get hurt my ability to love someone disappears a little more. My heart can only take so many rebuilds and repairs before the glue that holds it together comes apart and it starts leaking like a broken milk pitcher. And every day I feel my heart getting smaller and smaller and caring less and less about things about people about life in general. The more pain I have the less I feel like feeling.
