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demonk 
The other white meat
Group: Members
Posts: 800
Joined: Aug. 2000
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Posted on: Jul. 22 2002,19:40 |
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Ok, the shock that I suffered this weekend has just ended, so the emotions are starting to flood over me. If I don't share and work through these, I might have some bad problems. And since I concider you, the people of detnet, my friends, I've chosen to share with you. This is a very touchy subject and it has been engrossing my life for over 3 months now. Quick recap:
Girlfriend of almost 4 years goes to Korea for study abroad in Feburary. Calls at beginning of April and says she wants to date other people. Tells me she had cheated on me. I naturely feel like complete shit. I spend the next several months in counceling working through a lot of problems, some directly from her breaking up with me, some from problems I've always had. Middle of June roles around, I feel like a new man. I have identified all my major and most of my minor problems and had addressed most. Friends start to notice a huge change in me. I become a complete, happy person who doesn't need a woman in my life to define my selfworth.
Ok, so here's the new stuff. She comes back late June. Because of everything that has happened, I had things I need to say to her. I sat her down and basicly tore her apart emotionally. I then forgave her for everything she had done because that was the only way I was going to get over my anger. It worked. Now, there were reasons that I dated her for almost 4 years, and those reasons where still there. So, we decided to try and be friends. After a few weeks, I notice that I"m starting to slip into old patterns of trying to make her happy, all in an attempt to win her back. So I stop calling her and stop thinking of doing things with her on purpse to get over these desires. Things were going well on that front.
Then my old roommate and good friend of mine (let's say portrman for those who can remember him) called up and said that he got a new BBQ for his apartment down in Corvallis (where we both goto college). We decided to get together this past Saturday, hang out, BBQ some meat, and just have a good time. We did. Saw a movie, talked computers, watched some comedy, and made pork chops. Then, just before I was going to leave, he wanted to go on a walk. Me being Mr Oblivious didn't think much of it. While on this walk, he told me that he has started dating my ex.
At first I became completely numb and didn't know how to react. I slowly started to realize that I still do have a lot of real feelings towards her and that I'm not ready to sign off having a future with her. I became very depressed and walked away from him. I thought about suicide for the next 30 minutes. Sometime in there my anger turned from being directed at myself to being directed at him and her. Since she was in another town at the time, most of it was directed only on him. I turned and found him following me talking on his cell phone. Appearently he was afraid I was going to do something to myself, and he was calling my mother to come get me. I didn't like this since I'm not a child, I can take of myself. About this time my anger flared really high and I attacked him. I only got one punch in before disgust took over and I couldn't even look at him.
When I got back to my car, he had had one of his friends block me in with his car so I couldn't drive away. Since I couldn't leave by car, I started off on foot. He kept following me, this time on his bike. I didn't want him around me, because all I felt was pure rage and anger at him. He knew how I felt about her. He had been my friend since high school! Yet he did this. And it isn't like they are ment for each other or these really compatible people. If you knew them, you could easily see that their emotions aren't really for each other, just emotions in general. He has been looking for a long time and has many emotional problems of his own, so he's in a very vulnerable state. She is unable to exist outside of a relationship, so she started looking, even if subconciously, since she came back. So they both found each other looking, and latched on to each other. I know how she does relationships: she will jump into bed with anyone that has mutual attraction to her, with or without any real romantic feelings. So I know that they have already started a physical relationship. It just eats me up inside to think about that.
So, after trying to put my fist through his face for the next 2 hours and failing (he was on a bike after all), my parents show up and drive me home. I spoke to her in person that night, and the only thing saving her was that I had had 90 minutes in a car to calm down. I told both of them that this was it. I can't deal with them and that I refuse to be friends with either of them anymore. I'm afraid for them, because this will end very badly for them. They won't make it, even they know this. In the end, she will probably leave him or cheat on him, or who knows what. But because of his past and his emotional state, I expect him to try to comitt suicide when she leaves him. This entire thing has ruined 3 friendships, just for some nookie. I've lost what I thought was a good friend, and I've lost all respect for her. It just hurts to have such a betrayl like this.
Edited by demonk on Jan. 01 1970,01:00
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I'm just two people short of a threesome!
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| Post Number: 2
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jim
Asshole
Group: Members
Posts: 1208
Joined: May 2000
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Posted on: Jul. 22 2002,19:55 |
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Sucks man... You have to let go... Or at least that's what I'd do.
First of all, I never date chicks that have mutual friends of mine. (There is always that chance that your friends may start in with her)
Second, I never remain friends with women I've dated. (Eventually they will fuck someone else, and eventually you WILL find out about it)
Third, any guy that would date your Ex, without first talking to you about it first is either... Not your friend or Extremely desperate. Another option is that he was made for her, but NOT if he didn't talk to you about it first.
Just random thoughts. And I speak from experience on this. As I've been cheated on, I've had a friend backstab and snake my woman, etc. etc...
Just know that it's not gonna happen with her, and move on. And tell that guy he either needs to cut ties with that chick, or cut ties with you.
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| Post Number: 3
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just_dave
Town Naysayer, and court jester..
Group: Members
Posts: 535
Joined: Apr. 2001
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Posted on: Jul. 22 2002,20:24 |
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Yup, I like people, they taste good, except for clowns... they taste funny.
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| Post Number: 4
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demonk
The other white meat
Group: Members
Posts: 800
Joined: Aug. 2000
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Posted on: Jul. 22 2002,20:25 |
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I've already told both of them that I've cut ties to them both. Wounldn't matter if he dumps her tomorrow, next week, or next year. Damage has been done. They started dating 4 DAYS after she came back! Doesn't anyone else find that a little fucked up? And it's not because he was made for her, I can tell you that. Yes, they have shared ONE common life altering experience, but on all other levels I just know that they weren't made for each other. He's just desperate and has been for years. The one other girl that he fell for basicly said that she could barely see him as a friend, let alone a romantic partner. They both are fucked up emotionally, they even know it, but they don't want to change. The know that this will be bad for them, yet they still are going to do it. Fucking asshole. I'm still angry at him, so the next time I see him, I'm just going to walk right up to him and belt him right across the face. No words, no threats, just one solid, rage filled punch. That will be the last communication he and I have. I never want to be friends with him again.
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I'm just two people short of a threesome!
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| Post Number: 5
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Nikita
Princess of Darkness Spy. Assassin. Seductress.
Group: Members
Posts: 937
Joined: Apr. 2001
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Posted on: Jul. 22 2002,20:36 |
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I agree with jim.
Additional junk:
That "remaining friends" thing - just near impossible. That's the one thing I hate about dating - if it turns sour, you lose a friend (or if he/she turns out to be an asshole/bitch, you don't lose too much)
Your friend could have talked to you first, being you best friend and all. But all that car blocking, calling your mom, chasing after you with a bike ... what the hell was all that about? Sounds like he has control issues ... manipulative or insecure or something like that ...
Then again - best friend or ex - you don't/can't control their lives or decisions. They're all grownups (ok maybe not emotionally/mentally), but they can take care of themselves one way or the other. Sure, you can go ahead pity them, but you can't blow a gasket by judging them or dictating what's "right" for them. Only they can decide and follow through. Whatever lies ahead is for them to find out (and if in a vengeful state, for you to sit back and laugh at the pitiful outcome).
You said "I know how she does relationships: she will jump into bed with anyone that has mutual attraction to her, with or without any real romantic feelings." AND "In the end, she will probably leave him or cheat on him, or who knows what." Is this the truth or words of anger/spite? If true, then why the fuck do you want to subject yourself to more pain? You deserve better. Walk away. You were happier before she came back - I'm sure that it wasn't easy to make the transition, but don't get sucked back into the grime you got yourself away from. Changing yourself shouldn't be a temporary phenomena - it's a long term, genuine change. If you truly like the person you have become, avoid the things/people that drag you back to the old you.
Finally, you and the girl aren't together - you "tore her apart emotionally and forgave her ... It worked"
Honestly. Did it?
*hug*
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Mad scientist, sexy engineer
Who's yo Mommy?
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| Post Number: 6
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demonk
The other white meat
Group: Members
Posts: 800
Joined: Aug. 2000
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Posted on: Jul. 22 2002,20:45 |
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Those words aren't completely hate filled, but those did happen. And yes, I have honestly forgiven her for what she did in our past relationship and what she did while in Korea. It's strange to think that even now, when I'm so mad at both of them, that I'm not angry at her for her past actions. I'm angry at her for betraying me and making me lose a friend. I can't look at him now without thoughts of him and her together. That's not healthy. I'm also angry at her for lying to me, very blantently. She didn't say flat out she was single, but she definatly talked and acted like she was. It has been over 3 weeks since they started, you would think they could have told me by now. Their timing sucks ass!
And I am concerned for him. He doesn't know her the way I do. She can't be with guys like him (how I used to be). She will eat him up and spit him out because he had no idea how to deal with a woman like that. I'm afraid that she'll end up putting him in the same kind of mental state that I have been in for years, and then leave him. At that point, I'm afraid he'll kill himself. That is a real concern of mine. I may not want to be friends with him ever again, but I don't want him to die. She knows she does this to guys like him, but she still goes for them.
I'm rambling at this point. You are right, I can't make them do anything, and I've already done what I needed to do. I've removed them from my life. I no longer need to let them effect me. Either I'm beginning to accept this fact, or the shock is coming back. Either way, I"m feeling better.
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I'm just two people short of a threesome!
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| Post Number: 7
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jim
Asshole
Group: Members
Posts: 1208
Joined: May 2000
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Posted on: Jul. 22 2002,20:52 |
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www.matchmaker.com
Internet Dating at it's best! Find you a new women and go out and get drunk!
And I'm not posting this sarcastically. I used to use this website all the time. I could sit around at work BSing with chicks, and setting myself up for dates that night.
And yes, there are some nappy, 3 kid having, white trash, fat, skanks on there. But there are also some un-believably hot chicks on there as well.
I've only had one break up that drove me insane, that's when I discovered Matchmaker.com. From that point on, I was so busy chatting up women, and going on dates every night, that I forgot about all my problems.
Try it!
Bet you'll like it!
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| Post Number: 8
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Beldurin
Mayor of Detnet
Group: Members
Posts: 1242
Joined: Aug. 2001
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Posted on: Jul. 22 2002,21:49 |
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stay strong, dk...as for your friend...you're not his keeper. You got upset about him trying to "control" you by calling your parents, blocking you in, etc. That bothered you because you feel that you are and should be the master of your own life. So it should be with him. It is difficult to not worry about people when we think we know what's best for them. You may, you may not, but it's not your responsibility.
Some bridges are better off burned.
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If someone's ungrateful and you tell him he's ungrateful, okay, you've called him a name.
You haven't solved anything.
-- zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance
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| Post Number: 9
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demonk
The other white meat
Group: Members
Posts: 800
Joined: Aug. 2000
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Posted on: Jul. 22 2002,21:56 |
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Soooo true!
/me turns around and kicks last few stones from old bridges into bottemless pit
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I'm just two people short of a threesome!
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| Post Number: 10
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Wiley
©0®ÞØ®4+3 whØ®3
Group: Members
Posts: 1268
Joined: Oct. 2001
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Posted on: Jul. 22 2002,21:58 |
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| Quote (demonk @ 22 July 2002,11:40) | | While on this walk, he told me that he has started dating my ex. |
I don't even know the guy and I want to kill him. That's just fucked up. I mean, i'd be different if you dumped her and didn't have feelings for her any more, or it had been ten years, or they had know eachother before you got together ...but damn dude, to have him invite you to a BBQ and act like nothing is up and then tell you outta the blue is jacked up.
There is only one solution, you must fuck your ex's sister ...or the sister of this guy ...or both at the same time. If there are no sisters then you have to move onto mothers ...it's the only way to cause as much pain as they put you through. And destroy some personal property. That sometimes makes me feel better. Just don't kill anybody (self included) that just makes things generally worse.
Anti Suicide Rant:
I knew a guy who tried to off himself with a gunshot to the abdomin. It didn't work so well and he was all messed up after that. He couldn't digest food and had to have like 10 surgeries to try and fix the mess. Anyhow, he got over his depression, got a girlfriend who he loved, was happy and wanted to live but the doctors told him he was going to die in a few years. He tried evrything he could to stay alive but he started going down-hill after a while. He fought hard to stay alive but his suicide finally worked ...just when he realized that it was the last thing he really wanted. It's like a temporary fix that you can't undo. Things change too much to make rash decisions ...but I'd still fuck that guys sister if I were you.
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