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whiskey@throttle 
Kiloposter
Group: Members
Posts: 1085
Joined: Sep. 2000
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Posted on: Jul. 19 2002,06:51 |
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Well, lookie here, fag-o-rinos! It seems our little grab bag of internet friends has once again regrouped for more online posting fun. Well, good for you! A new chapter in interweb history has been wrote upon this very spot. Heave ho! You're still alive!
Of course, it’s one thing to make a site, and it’s a whole ‘nother ball game when it comes to maintaining a site. I sure hope you all haven’t lost your fucking senses of humor. A quick scan of this place reminded me of the pulse on my cold, dead grandmother (hint: she’s dead). Where is everyone? Does anyone even post here anymore? Why is there a color scheme that looks like vaginal pus? Hello? Is anyone in here? Heeelllloooo?
Well, I must admit, I’m impressed with the sights of this red "Detonate This" theme. Shee-it, I leave for no more than five minutes and this place has gotten quite a makeover! Most impressive. Still smells of feces though, that’s for sure. Warm, fetid poopy.
Now, I see there has been a lot more mods than before. Everyone wants a whack at the “lock thread” button, I bet. :rolleyes: Ooooh, and there’s a front page! Sad requiem for Rshias. I never knew him. Too bad. Unless, of course, it’s all a hoax. If it is – HA! Props to Jeep. If not…well, I have no pity for suicide anyway. I'm sure Jimbo knows what I mean. Sorry! 
Anyway, so what have I been doing? Well, lemme tell ya. Gather round, folks:
For the past 55 weeks I’ve been on a rather extreme meth bender. I’ve been holed up somewhere between Old El Paso and the River City Gorge, and there, my friends, I have been producing high-grade commercial methamphetamine in a space-age polymer tub. I feed on rabbits and gutter squirrel, mostly. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, Mrs. Beasley at the Chuckletown Bakery cuts me scraps from the cupcake tin. I’ve really grown fond of the chocolate burnt taste of day-old shavings. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, Mrs. Beasely will throw out a chicken bone. It kinda sucks cause I have to fight for it with that mangy mutt with the marble eye. I think his master is a Klansman, because its name is Koodles (spelled with a K where there should be a C).
On a lighter note, I'm much more happy with my new choice of profession. Before the whole meth lab thing, I was workin as a technician down at the Country Bear Theater in Disneyland. It didn't work out too well, though. Let's just say I tried to run the show on "overdrive" and the bears got a little…well, “out of control.” I mean, for fuck's sake, why would the goddamn lever go up to 11 if you can't turn it up to 11?? Anyway, some kid's leg got all chewed up real bad and that was that. I guess Disney don't like no tangled limbs on infants. Something about “maintaining the aura of safety to maximize customer generated revenue.” I don’t know. I wasn’t listening.
Still, they didn't fire me without a fight. A friend over in Tommorowland hooked me up with a tad bit of information before I left: seems them "Autopia" cars (now what the fuck does a gas-powered go-kart have to do with "Tomorrow" ??) anyway, them Autopia cars have a nice, ripe governor on the tail end, under a plastic manifold. Being the automotive monkey I am, I knocked that fucker off and ripped the Autopia car right out of its socket. Pedal to the metal and the son of a bitch flew right off the track. It was pure madness. I was weaving and crashing, all the way from the motor den to fucking Toontown. I hit a few kids and got tangled in a wheelchair along the way, but it was still fun.
So, somewhere around Frontierland, the lady in the wheelchair got loose, and went skating into Tom Sawyer lake. What a disaster. I pulled over as she glugged to her watery doom, and as my Autopia racer putted alongside, I found myself poised with a rather potent life choice: do I steal some popcorn? Or just make a fucking break for it?
Well, I broke. Straight up Main Street USA and right through the goddamn front gates. YeeeeeeeeHAW! Disney freedom! Never since Bambi-brand self-enema have I felt so liberated. I was pushin 80, 85mph by the time I got to the freeway. Those fucking Autopia cars can sure haul some serious ass.
3,495 gas stops later, I was in Arizona, crashed into a totem pole outside Mrs. Beasley's and the Chuckletown Bakery. I was out, out cold, delirious from hours upon hours of highway driving in a small, plastic go-kart made in Quong Po, Vietnam. The bugs and wind had cut me up real bad. Lemme tell you, you can only drive top speed in the desert for so long before the gnats and junebugs start breaking skin. Good thing God made whiskey.
Well, after I got knocked out I woke up in an underground trailer park lair some 200 clicks south of Tuscon. Apparently some sewer-dwelling tribe of methheads made a deal with Mrs. Beasley, and they had nursed me back to life with their sewer filth and amphetamine. I asked them what this supposed “deal” was and all they did was hiss at me. They did that a lot. Hissing.
Life was all right in the sewers. Bad news was I couldn't see too well and I felt like shit. Good news was I had developed an immunity to E. Coli and had a preternatural ability to cook speed. After about four months I got my first bathtub for Christmas. It was so nice! I mean, my new family wasn’t exactly poor you know. They sold tweak for Chris’sakes. It was a Kohler, from the “Corporate Elegant” Series. I might as well have gotten some fancy schmancu European car with cruise control and a permanent mouth for in-car simulated road head.
Sweet Jesus tits, it’s been one hell of a summer.
Don’t tell the cops my IP, btw.
Oh, and I heard a joke:
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
xoxo,
your pal whiskey
ps - fuck you all
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TheTaxMan
Controversial Thug
Group: Members
Posts: 874
Joined: Apr. 2001
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Posted on: Jul. 19 2002,07:06 |
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/me pours himself a glass of milkamphetamines.
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Four billion years of evolution and this is all we have to show for it?
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| Post Number: 3
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Beldurin
Mayor of Detnet
Group: Members
Posts: 1242
Joined: Aug. 2001
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Posted on: Jul. 19 2002,07:25 |
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what in the fuck was that?
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If someone's ungrateful and you tell him he's ungrateful, okay, you've called him a name.
You haven't solved anything.
-- zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance
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| Post Number: 4
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demonk
The other white meat
Group: Members
Posts: 800
Joined: Aug. 2000
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Posted on: Jul. 19 2002,07:40 |
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Drive-by trolling! 
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I'm just two people short of a threesome!
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| Post Number: 5
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PersonGuy
Right-wing pigeon from outer space
Group: Members
Posts: 2081
Joined: --
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Posted on: Jul. 19 2002,11:57 |
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Ahhh... so THAT'S what was missing! Pay attention folks: THAT = old skool detnet humor. Welcome back wiskey!  Your first post in a year and the best post in a year... we missed ya!
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"My love for you is like diarrhea... I just can't hold it in." - A Chick on InfatuAsian
-[URL=http://www.personguy.com]PersonGuy[/URL]
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| Post Number: 6
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jim
Asshole
Group: Members
Posts: 1208
Joined: May 2000
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Posted on: Jul. 19 2002,12:53 |
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Welcome back Whiskey... Fuck You too! 
What scares me is that probably 50% of his story is true...
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| Post Number: 7
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Necromancer
Ace Rimmer
Group: Members
Posts: 419
Joined: Feb. 2002
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Posted on: Jul. 19 2002,15:51 |
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the bit about the munched up kid was funny i hope its true.
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There'll be time for explanations later... and hopefully, some sex
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| Post Number: 8
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incubus
mack daddy
Group: Admins
Posts: 1316
Joined: May 2000
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Posted on: Jul. 19 2002,16:20 |
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amen to that whiskey...
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Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your
humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned ....... Tyler
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| Post Number: 9
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CatKnight
Jedi Republican
Group: Members
Posts: 3807
Joined: Dec. 2000
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Posted on: Jul. 19 2002,17:44 |
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Edited by CatKnight on Jan. 01 1970,01:00
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[url=http://www.personal.psu.edu/users/d/b/dbl125/dfa.jpg]If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful that you can possibly imagine.[/url]
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| Post Number: 10
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whiskey@throttle
Kiloposter
Group: Members
Posts: 1085
Joined: Sep. 2000
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Posted on: Jul. 19 2002,19:51 |
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heh. i missed you too, gang.
(ck, that cracked my ass)
so where the hell is dsl?
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