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| Post Number: 1
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Wh4ck3r 
I am almost one of Us.
Group: Members
Posts: 50
Joined: Oct. 2000
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Posted on: Jan. 23 2002,08:00 |
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correction please!
When Max trained me for a national tournament, it became my, and his reason for living until I won. For the junior Olympics Max always held daily workouts that inevitably end with sparing till you cant walk. The hardest day of my life came about 3 weeks before the tournament. Max picked me up at the usual 7 : 00 on a summer Saturday.
Today we drove to the Redmond Lee’s Martial Arts, it was nothing big to train at another school, for the most part the Tae Kwon Do community is a friendly place. Max introduced me to the teacher, a 6’ 2’’ Kenyan and the resident badass who had won the Junior Olympics the year before. The badass and me were sent off for a warm-up run while Max played Playstation with a couple of squat Asians. They looked like they could name every Tae Kwon Do master ever, but not their wives; they were the usual suspects.
The run was much longer than I anticipated, ending up being about 2 miles. When we finished we put on our hogoos, sparing pads, Max told me I was going to hate today. I told him he must not know me, I hate running, swimming, pushups, sit-ups and any other form of training, sparing however was what I lived for. We entered the Red Square mapped with mats on the floor. Right off the bat me and him went at it like rabid dogs, I was less experienced, but me and max had worked out a few tricks that put me about even with the 18 year old black guy.
A round in Tae Kwon Do is 1 minute to 2 minutes long, depending on who you are talking too. That is 1-2 minutes of the most physically draining activity possible. Between rounds you have 15 seconds to recover, and by god you use it. After 5 rounds I was extremely tired. After 8 my opponent and me were only glaring at each other, taking occasional pot shots at the others head in response from our trainers. After the 8th round Max decided we were far too winded to continue, so we broke for a few minutes. I spent it busy being intimidated by the DMX playing on the radio.
After a few more rounds we finished and got our de briefing from the usual suspects who had come out of their cave with the playboy calendar to watch the fight. By their count I was winning until the 6th round. Max said it was because I was a little intimidated by my opponent and he would fix that. I didn’t realize he meant he would fix it RIGHT NOW. He went over to the Kenyan teacher and after a few words he started throwing flurries at a heavy bag. I knew Max had asked him to fight me and I was scared. After some stretching and a few practice kicks I again entered the Red Square. I was surprised, because with everyone, save Max, holding back wasn’t an option, but here was another person holding back on me. I didn’t know it then but it is because everyone else loses even without holding back, while Max and this man didn’t need to go all out right off the bat. In the third round he caught me with a spinning whip kick, followed with a roundhouse to the other side of my head. I saw some pretty colors and woke up on the floor.
The next day Max asked me if I wanted to fight the huge Kenyan, I said not particularly. Then he asked me what I thought of the smaller, badass kid. I realized now he seemed to be a bit of a pansy. Since then no one has intimidated me, it even brought Max down to the status of mortal, ass kicking mother f**ker, but mortal.
correction please!
Edit: stupd auto smilied my 7: 00
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a testicle for a testicle solves overpopulation -me
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| Post Number: 2
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Non
Angelheaded Hipster
Group: Members
Posts: 406
Joined: May 2001
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Posted on: Jan. 23 2002,17:02 |
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What kind of critique are you looking for? gramatical?
It was very informative... and the style is clean.
You used "me" instead of "I" in a few places, but that just gives if a more "street" feel. If you change it it will be gramatically correct, but it will also change the feel of the protagonist.
| Quote | | He went over to the Kenyan teacher and after a few words he started throwing flurries at a heavy bag. |
This line is a little unclear. As I read it I thought you meant Max started "throwing flurries". "He went" & "he started" don't use a pronoun for the teacher.
| Quote | | I didn’t know it then but it is because everyone else loses even without holding back... |
The "even without" part? should that be "even when he holds back"?
I liked it, maybe a bit more detail about how the protagonist feels about things...
So what is that for?
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I don't play well with others.
-=Non=-
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| Post Number: 3
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Delpino
FNG
Group: Members
Posts: 43
Joined: Jan. 2002
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Posted on: Jan. 23 2002,18:10 |
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When Max trained me for a national tournament, it became my, and hisour reason for living until I won. For the junior Olympics, Max always held daily workouts that inevitably ended with sparring till you cantuntil you couldn't walk. The hardest day of my life came about 3 weeks before the tournament. Max picked me up at the usual 7 : 00 on a summer Saturday.
TodayThat day, we drove to the Redmond Lee’s Martial Arts,. It was nothing big to train at another school,; for the most part the Tae Kwon Do community is a friendly place. Max introduced me to the teacher, a 6’ 2’’ Kenyan and the resident badass who had won the Junior Olympics the year before. The badass and meI were sent off for a warm-up run while Max played Playstation with a couple of squat Asians. They looked like they could name every Tae Kwon Do master ever, but not their wives; they were the usual suspects.
The run was much longer than I had anticipated, ending up being about 2two miles. When we finished we put on our hogoos, sparing pads,. Max told me I was going to hate today. I told him he must not know me very well, because while I hated running, swimming, pushups, sit-ups, and any other form of training, sparing however was what I lived for. We entered the Red Square mapped with mats on the floor. Right off the bat me and himhe and I went at it like rabid dogs,[/u]. I was less experienced, but me and maxMax and I had worked out a few tricks that put me about even with the 18 year old black guy.
A round in Tae Kwon Do is 1 minute to 2one to two minutes long, depending on who you are talking tootp. That is 1-2one to two minutes of the most physically draining activity possible. Between rounds you have 15 seconds to recover, and by God you use it. After 5five rounds I was extremely tired. After 8eight, my opponent and meI were only glaring at each other, taking occasional pot shots at the others head in response from our trainers. After the 8theighth round, Max decided we were far too winded to continue, so we broke for a few minutes. I spent it busy being intimidated by the DMX playing on the radio.
After a few more rounds we finished and got our debriefing from the usual suspects, who had come out of their cave with the Playboy calendar to watch the fight. By their count, I was winning until the 6thsixth round. Max said it was because I was a little intimidated by my opponent and he would fix that. However, I didn’t realize he meant he would fix it RIGHT NOW. He went over to the Kenyan teacher and after a few words, the Kenyan he started throwing flurries at a heavy bag. I knew Max had asked him to fight me and I was scared. After some stretching and a few practice kicks, I again entered the Red Square. I was surprised, because with everyone, save Max, holding back wasn’t an option, but here was another person holding back on me. I didn’t know it then but it is because everyone else loses even without holding back, while Max and this man didn’t need to go all out right off the bat. In the third round, he caught me with a spinning whip kick, followed with a roundhouse to the other side of my head. I saw some pretty colors and woke up on the floor.
The next day Max asked me if I wanted to fight the huge Kenyan, and I said not particularly. Then he asked me what I thought of the smaller, badass kid. I realized nowthen he seemed to be a bit of a pansy. Since then, no one has intimidated me, and it even brought Max down to the status of mortal, ass kicking mother f**ker, but mortal.
OK, that took a bit there..... Underline is what I'd remove, bold what I'd add. The italicized section is the place where it needs reworking, but I really didn't feel comfortable changing it without completely changing the entire tone. Sorry if I came across as a grammar Nazi.
And thanks to Non for catching me there. My brain started to shut down, as I was in a call while typing the second half of that up.
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| Post Number: 4
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Non
Angelheaded Hipster
Group: Members
Posts: 406
Joined: May 2001
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Posted on: Jan. 23 2002,18:20 |
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I was taught that the numbers 1-10 should be written out; one two three... but higher numbers can be written with digits... you left "5 rounds" and "After 8"...
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| Post Number: 5
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editor
forum whore
Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: Jan. 2002
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Posted on: Jan. 24 2002,04:07 |
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Why do I feel like someone's getting their homework fixed for free?
if you want to write better, just read more.
How about Lord of the Rings?
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| Post Number: 6
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whiskey@throttle
Kiloposter
Group: Members
Posts: 1085
Joined: Sep. 2000
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Posted on: Jan. 24 2002,04:17 |
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Take my advice: I took the time to write it out, and it's good.
#1) Your essay is all over the place. Here's a good skeleton to follow:
Thesis / Opening Paragraph: a summary of what you're going to say without any spoilers. Make it suspenseful enough by adding uncertainty. Outline every paragraph of your main body here.
Body: Rephrase each outlining sentence of your thesis here, in the order it appeared in the opening paragraph. Expand on those ideas. Support with examples. Use transitions to lead from one body paragraph into the next.
Conclusion: Restate your thesis and explain all uncertainties here. End with a zinger that expands on, but still ties in with, your thesis...or perhaps just sounds clever.
Ex:
by whiskey
I like balls. In the summer of 1976 I got a red one. The red ball was fun to bounce. Unfortunately, it would never bounce past the close of the season.
The reason I like balls is because they remind me of my testicles. I often play with my testicles when I am bored. Just the other day, I was rubbing my testes and looking out the window. It really reminded how much I like to be outside...and how a rubber ball can give me that testicular feeling while I am outside enjoying beautiful weather.
In glorious sunshine of July 1976, my Mom bought me a brand new red rubber ball for my birthday. It was swell. I cherished it like it was my own nutsack.
The main thing I liked about the ball happens to be the main thing I love about my scrotum: it's buoyancy, elasticity, and ability to bounce off any substance! I bounced this ball everywhere, from the sidewalk to the street. I even bounced it in the house.
Unfortunately, my affinity with bouncing the ball anywhere and everywhere became its downfall. One day, while I was bouncing the ball outside a construction yard, I lost control. The ball bounced over a safety fence and landed in a bed of nails. No more ball.
I really like balls, especially the one I got to share time with in the summer of '76. I asked my Mom for another ball, but she did not have one. I tried to get my Mom to buy another, but she said she could not afford it. I tried to persuade her to steal one. She said, "No way!" I guess no matter how you slice it, the bitch had no balls.
On matters of style and grammar:
1) You mention you "won" in the first paragraph. Won what?
2) 'Junior Olympics' should always be capitalized
3) When you explicitly say something, put it in quotes: Max asked me if I wanted to fight the huge Kenyan, and I said, "Not particularly."
4) Past tense is enough to identify something happened in the past. Here's your line, as corrected by Delpino: I realized then he seemed to be a bit of a pansy.
I say take out the word then. It should just be: I realized he seemed...
5) I don't know why Delpino italicized that portion of your paragraph. The only thing that should be italicized is your, "RIGHT NOW" line (italics would be better than capitalization, imho).
and last but not least
6) If you are going to censor something (mother f**ker), then it doesn't belong in your essay. You're not fooling anyone with the asterisks, so why put them there? You are still essentially saying mother fucker. So make a choice. Either stick with something benign, or fucking write it out.
Hope this helps.
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| Post Number: 7
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Wiley
©0®ÞØ®4+3 whØ®3
Group: Members
Posts: 1268
Joined: Oct. 2001
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Posted on: Jan. 24 2002,04:39 |
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Whiskey, where the hell were you when I was in school? I just got "you suck, here's an F ..do better next time". Better as in what? Sheesh ..no direction in schools today.
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| Post Number: 8
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Delpino
FNG
Group: Members
Posts: 43
Joined: Jan. 2002
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Posted on: Jan. 24 2002,05:13 |
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I italicized because I couldn't think how to rewrite it without making it sound completely like me writing it and thereby making it stick out conspicuously.
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| Post Number: 9
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wh4ck3r
Unregistered
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Posted on: Jan. 25 2002,02:19 |
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wisky, the reson it seems all over the place to you is becasue it is used in a series or vignettes (s?) that i am writing for L.A. the format isent essay, and doesent follow any rules or organazation that go with essays. Why did I do this? i wanted it to feel like street talk.
I agree with all the 1-10 write it out number rules, and the confusing sentences have been corected. thanks.
if you want some mroe of the vignettes Id post them for yer reading pleaseure, if you ask. there is also an all encompasing essay that DOES fallow all the rules and stuff, which ill post if any of you want too.
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| Post Number: 10
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Wh4ck3r
Unregistered
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Posted on: Jan. 25 2002,04:30 |
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damn, i just realized that in the second paragraph i say ^6"2' kenyan and resident badass, where what i ment to say was the kenyan teacher as well as the resident badass, hope that clears some thigns up
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