I thought this was a pretty interesting chat I had with a girl tonight. I don't know if we're not supposed to post these, but I figured what the fuck.--
Satriarch: Hello!
jennyjenny05: hey
jennyjenny05: whos this?
Satriarch: Satch. I work as a direct representative of Jehova. You could say I'm his lawyer. It seems to me like you've damned something recently without his permission. Is this true?
jennyjenny05: what are you talkingn about?
Satriarch: Damning things is copyrighted by the Lord our Savior. Have you recently used the word "Damn" followed by a noun? Or "I'll be damned."? Or even "Damn it!"?
jennyjenny05: ummm i don't know
jennyjenny05: do i know u?
Satriarch: No, you would not know me. I work as a direct representative of Jehova. I am not exclusively known to the public.
jennyjenny05: umm ok
jennyjenny05: dou know me?
Satriarch: Yes, I know you. You've recently damned something, and by extensive use of my Father's intelligence I've come across your screenname.
jennyjenny05: your kind of freaking me out
Satriarch: I'm sorry if it seems that way. The overwhelming power of God can seem a bit ominous at first, but I assure you he is a very reasonable man.
jennyjenny05: how do u know about me?
Satriarch: The Lord knows everyone and he also knows what they say and when. We've come across you from that extensive knowledge.
jennyjenny05: ummmmmm yeah whatever
Satriarch: You can expect a bill for the sum of ฮ dollars. It's not much, and please don't make a big deal out of this like many people do.
jennyjenny05: what are you talking about?
jennyjenny05: look i'm sorry if i offended you in some way
jennyjenny05: but please just leave me alone
Satriarch: No, you haven't offended me. You've used the word "damn" in the context of damning something. This is copyrighted by the Lord. I'm sorry for any confusion.
jennyjenny05: how do u know i said that
Satriarch: I've explained before, our God, our Lord and Savior, knows all. He knows what you say and when.
jennyjenny05: your not god
Satriarch: No, I'm not God. I'm a direct representative. I've explained that also.
jennyjenny05: you think that i am going to believe that
Satriarch: You do not have to believe anything, just pay the bill and there won't be any trouble. Got it?
jennyjenny05: what bill?
jennyjenny05: i have no stinking clue what you are talking about
Satriarch: Listen. I am God's lawyer. A representative of His higher power. Please understand that our Lord does not like when people do the things he has copyrighted. He has copyrighted damning. You've damned something in the past year or so. You might have thought this held no consequence then, but it finally caught up to you. You must now pay God a sum of ฮ, or we'll see you in court. That is all. I must go now, lots of other people have damned things.
jennyjenny05: ha ha
jennyjenny05: what a bunch of shit
jennyjenny05: bye
Satriarch: Have a nice day.
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--
Now, right after this, I get an IM from one of her friends:
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dolphingurl1404: hello
Satriarch: Hi.
dolphingurl1404: i hear you are bugging my friend
Satriarch: I'm sorry to hear that, but your friend has used the word "Damn" in conjunction with a noun, or some other type of damning. She is being billed by Jehova for the sum of ฮ.
dolphingurl1404: that is kinda dumb
dolphingurl1404: you can't charge her for saying that!
Satriarch: I'm sorry if you feel that way, but if she refuses to pay, she can expect to see us in court. God does not tolerate direct conflict.
dolphingurl1404: okay, God will forgive her for her sins if she prays
dolphingurl1404: Iw ould know, I've been a Christian my whole life
dolphingurl1404: AND NO IDIOT WOULD ASK TO BE PAID IF SOMEONE CUSSES!!!
Satriarch: Ok, this is not about sin, this is about copyright issues.
dolphingurl1404: da*n is a copyright word?
Satriarch: Damning is an action copyrighted by the Lord our God.
Satriarch: No, the act of damning, not the word.
dolphingurl1404: how old r u
Satriarch: I am 37 years old, God hired me to represent him in legal disputes when I was 25, if you must know my background.
dolphingurl1404: God wouldn't hire anyone for legal disputes! what religion are you neways?
Satriarch: My religion is that of Jehova. I am a Christian. If you don't believe God will not hire anyone for legal disputes, wait until your friend does not pay. If you keep talking to me like this, we just might run a background check on your recent damnings.
dolphingurl1404: I don't cuss incase you would like to know
dolphingurl1404: I think it is wrong and there is no point to it and people do it to try to make theirselves cool or something, I don't know
Satriarch: Oh, it's not about cussing. In the eyes of God, saying the word "damn" is not a cuss word. I'm sure you've let it slip before, however. Everyone does.
dolphingurl1404: okay then, what, may i ask, is a damning?
Satriarch: There are other legal disputes we could pull up such as showering, praying, and even technically we could get you for "living." If you don't want any of these to occur to you and your immediate family, do not use that tone of voice.
dolphingurl1404: showering? how gay! Jehova people
dolphingurl1404: are weird
Satriarch: Damning is the act of saying "Damn it!", "Damn (noun)", or even "I'll be damned."
dolphingurl1404: i don't say any of that thank-you very much
Satriarch: Oh, thats another thing. God doesn't tolerate hatred towards gays. That's something we're going to have to process.
dolphingurl1404: gays?
Satriarch: "dolphingurl1404: showering? how gay! Jehova people"
Satriarch: We can, and probably will, process that comment for further investigation.
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Vitiate
Penis-man!
